Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!
by RebelX
Summary: It's back! The alternate ending to Ocarina of Time redone in correct story format and better than ever! PG13 for violence and innuendo. Mostly Innuendo
1. The Snapping of a Princess

Give me that blasted Ocarina!

A Zelda fanfic by RebelX

Chapter 1: It begins

Author's note: I'm baaa-ack! And this time, I've done it in story format, so they can't delete it! Muahaha! So…yeah…I'll be getting the other chapters redone eventually as well, but it'll take me awhile to do all- what was I at, 15? 16? Chapters redone. Argh…so anyway, for those of you who didn't read the original script version of this, it's basically an alternate ending to Ocarina of Time. A reeeeeeeeeeally long alternate ending. This is set just after the final battle with Ganon, after Ganondorf has been sealed in the sacred realm. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go play the game.

Disclaimer: Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. I own nothing. Nothing!

"Link, please give me the ocarina. As a sage, I can return you to your original time with it." Zelda said quietly, her pleading blue eyes rising to meet his.

"But...but I don't want to go back! I _like _being an adult!" Link protested.

"But you must regain the years you lost when your spirit was imprisoned in the sacred realm!"

"No!! I hate being a kid!"

"I don't care! Just give me the ocarina!"

"No!"

"Give it to me!"

"NO!" he shouted, and, to Zelda's great surprise, turned and ran away.

"Dammit!" she cursed, pulling up her skirts and chasing after the fleeing elf, "Give me the ocarina!"

"Never!!" he called over his shoulder.

"Grr! I'll tell Ruto where you live!" she threatened.

"What!? Dammit...I'll uh, I'll move away! Far away!"

"I can sense you through your triforce piece! I'll send Ruto to get you, no matter where you go!"

Link thought about that for a second. He wasn't sure if she really could sense his whereabouts, but supposing she could, was life on the run really better than life as a child? A brief flashback of Mido's gang chasing him down and beating him up flashed through his mind. Yes, life on the run was definitely better. "Then I'll never stop running!" he answered finally.

Zelda gritted her teeth. She was getting really annoyed now. "Dammit Link!" she snapped in a most un-princess-like fashion, "Just give me the ocarina!"

"NO!"

"Fine!" having had enough of this, Zelda angrily snapped her fingers, dismissing the spell that held them aloft in the sky.

"Gyaaaaaaaaa!!!" Link screamed as he fell through the sky. He soon landed flat on his face somewhere in Hyrule field.

"Owie…" he moaned.

"There you are Linky-poo!" Link stiffened at the shout. He knew that voice…he knew it far, far too well.

"NOOOO!" he cried as he looked up to have his worst fear realized. Ruto, princess of the fish-people- er, I mean Zoras, was barreling towards him opened armed and with frightening speed. Link promptly recovered from his fear, jumped to his feet, and ran like hell.

"I just want to hug you!" she called as she chased after him.

Link shuddered at the thought of even touching her slimy body. "NOOO!"

At that moment Zelda appeared out of thin air and hovered alongside Link as he ran, keeping perfect pace with him. "Give me the ocarina!" she ordered.

"Never!"

Zelda pursed her lips as she tried to think of another way to persuade him, then her eyes lit up as she thought up a new threat. "I'll make a dozen clones of Navi and they'll all follow you shrieking 'Hey! Listen!' "

Link winced at the thought of the fairies, but his mind was made up. "I don't care! I'm never going back, do ya hear me? Never going back!"

"Fine!" She snapped and disappeared.

Link reached the entrance to Lon Lon ranch and skidded to a stop as he saw a squadron of Navis fly out of it. He looked around desperately for an escape. Ruto was running up behind him, and the Navies were in front of him. As he looked to his left he spotted Malon. To his right he saw Zelda. With his characteristic quick thinking and quicker acting, our hero grabbed Malon and threw her to the side of the entrance. The Navies immediately flew to her, lighting up in dozens of little blue arrows. His path now clear, Link raced inside the Ranch. Once safely inside, he found his faithful steed Epona and mounted her (No, not THAT way). He then rode back out of the ranch, trampling Ruto in the process.

"It's ok, Linky-poo! I forgive you for not seeing me and accidentally running me over with your horse!" she called somewhat dazedly.

A similarly disoriented Malon crawled out from under the Navies and eyed the Zora. "Uh...Ruto? Did you not notice how he went out of his way to trample you?"

"...shut up farm girl."

"Hey Ruto! Your boyfriend's getting away!" Zelda called.

"What?! Nooo!!" she shrieked, a most unpleasant sound not unlike fingernails running down a chalkboard, before jumping up and chasing after Link and Epona.

"Vuahaha!" Link laughed triumphantly, "You'll never catch me now, you deranged- OOF!"

He cried as he suddenly hit the ground. They had reached the stone steps leading up to Kakariko village and Epona (who didn't like stairs) had reared, flinging the distracted hero from his perch on her back.

"Blast it all!" he cursed.

"Oh no! Are you ok, Linky-poo?" Ruto called.

"I would be if I could just **get rid of you**!" he snarled. Suddenly, a light bulb appeared above his head. "Wait! I have an idea!" And with that he grabbed the light bulb and flung it in Ruto's general direction. A satisfying 'crash' sound, followed by the tinkle of broken glass and Ruto's subsequent scream, brought a smile to his face. With another "Vuahaha," he took out the ocarina of time and prepared to play it. Before he could do so, however, Zelda again appeared out of nowhere and lunged for it.

"A-HA! Mine!"

"Ack!"

Naturally, a tug of war over the ocarina ensued.

"Let go, Link!"

"Never!"

"Give me the ocarina, or else I'll intertwine your fate with HIS" She nodded to her left, where Tingle appeared in a puff of smoke, "meaning you and all your descendants will have to put up with him because he'll be an integral part of your quests!"

Link looked over at Tingle. He didn't look so bad… but then that was before he started dancing disturbingly and sang "Tingle Tingle Kooloh Limpah!" while tossing confetti into the air.

"...You can do that?"

"Yup!"

Link stared at Zelda. Either she was a really big liar or a lot more powerful than he realized. "Damn...well...I don't care! Take-" He lifted his right foot and planted it on her stomach- "THIS!" and kicked her in the gut with all his might (my, how un-chivalrous!)

"Oof!" She gasped as she lost her grip on the ocarina and fell to the ground.

Now that he had the chance, Link quickly played the Bolero of Fire, then laughed as he vanished in a flash of red light.

"Follow me if you dare, oh princess of sushi!" his taunting voice echoed from the pinpoints of light that danced away towards the village

"Aww! He finally came up with a pet name for me! I'm coming, Linky-poo!" Ruto cooed.

"Wait! He's gone to Death Mountain crater! You won't be able to survive the intense heat-" Zelda began, before Ruto cut her off with an ear-piercing wail of despair.

"NOOOOO!!" she moaned, falling to her knees with a sob.

"Which is why I'm gonna do THIS!" Zelda finished, casting a spell on Ruto to protect her from the heat. "But be careful!" she warned, "Just like Link's Goron tunic, it can't help you if you fall in the lava!"

"Ok!"

And thus Ruto used her sagely powers to warp to Death Mountain crater, much to the dismay of Link, who had thought himself finally out of danger.

"Oh Linky-poo! I found you!"

Link, who was not at all pleased to see her again so soon, screamed "AGGH!" and jumped down entrance to the fire temple. (It's a big hole, remember?) "Oh wait...this is a really long drop, isn't it?" he realized aloud, directly before landing very painfully on the stone floor below. "Urk...that hurt...that REALLY really hurt..."

Ruto, who like the intelligent fish she was (/sarcasm) had already jumped down after him, called out "Teehee! Here I come!" as she sailed down the shaft.

Link looked up and saw what was about to happen. "Aw shit."

Ruto landed very ungracefully on our hero, who was thrown face down by the impact of her long fall. Ruto then proceeded to strangle him in a mammoth hug.

"Linky!" she giggled.

"Urk!...can't...breathe..." he wheezed.

Zelda then appeared out of nowhere...again... "I can get rid of her for you if you give me the-" she had not even finished her offer before an ocarina-shaped object hit her smack in the face. "Yes!" she exclaimed, picking the object up, "I finally got the...wait a sec...this is your old fairy ocarina! Wh-"

Zelda looked down to find that she was talking to empty floor. Both Link and Ruto were gone.

"Blast it!"

Meanwhile, in the chamber directly before the boss room, Link had finally managed to pry the amorous sage of water off him.

"Oh, Link! You're so romantic, carrying me past those evil flaming bats!" she sighed.

Link rolled his eyes, "The only reason I was carrying you was because I couldn't get you OFF of me!" that said, he slipped through the door and ran away without Ruto noticing.

Ruto, who was facing the opposite direction at the time, continued talking to the Link that was no longer there. "Well, maybe I am a bit clingy, but..."

"Wait a sec! Did you actually call him Link?! Not Linky-poo?!" Nabooru gasped in surprise.

"Well, yea- Nabooru?! Where'd you come from?"

"I'm a sage too, ya know!" the gerudo huffed, "I can warp wherever I want!"

"Oh yeah…"

"Ruto, you pitiful, jelly-brained excuse for a fish!" Zelda snapped as she materialized beside them, "He's getting away!"

"What!?" She raced through door, closely followed by Nabooru and Zelda.

Link, who was halfway back up the ladder by now, laughingly shouted down "Thanks Nabooru!"

"No problem, kid!"

As Ruto chased after her fleeing fiancé, an enraged princess Zelda turned on Nabooru.

"You...you..._dope_!" she vainly attempted to insult her, "Why are you helping him?!"

Nabooru rolled her eyes, "C'mon, give the kid a freaking break, Zelda! If he doesn't want to go back to being a kid, than let him stay as an adult! Besides, he's so cute when he's grown up..." she trailed off with a giggle.

Zelda pondered that last bit of information. "Hmm...maybe you're right. Sigh... I guess I'll go get Ruto off his back."

Meanwhile, Link had reached the top of the ladder and was now scurrying towards the bridge towards the secret entrance to Goron city, Ruto not far behind.

"Link! I'm getting tired of this game! C'mon, can't we just stop and snuggle for a little while?"

Link shuddered violently and screamed "Eww! No way!"

He scrambled across the bridge and, as he reached the large gap at the end, he whipped out his hookshot. Hurriedly he took aim and fired. After missing twice, he successfully hit the wooden post on the other side of the gap. His misses had taken much valuable time, however, and Ruto had caught up to him and grabbed him right when the hookshot chain began to retract and pulled him across the gap. This caught Ruto off guard so her grip was not firm enough for her to be carried across with Link and he was pulled out from under her. This made her loose her balance, and after a few seconds of dangerous teetering on the edge of the bridge, she fell headfirst into the sizzling lava pit below.

Link took two seconds to comprehend what had happened, then leapt in the air for joy and began singing: "Woo hoo! Ding-Dong the fish is dead! Which old fish? The wicked fish! Ding-dong the wicked fish is dead!!"

Nabooru and Zelda had made it to the bridge just in time to see Ruto fall. Zelda simply stood there with her mouth hanging open, but Nabooru continued to the edge of the bridge and looked down for any sign of the water sage. Sure enough, there was her charred corpse floating gently in the midst of the bubbling lava.

Nabooru glared up at the dancing elf. "Link, you idiot! Stop singing! Don't you realize that with one of the sages dead, the seal on Ganondorf will break?!"

Link immediately stopped dancing and yelled "D'oh!" (I do not own the Simpsons)

And then Zelda spoke. Her voice was very soft, very slow, and very dangerous. Something had begun to burn in her eyes, as if some inner fire had ignited. Link suddenly felt very, very scared. He was in deep shit.

"Link... Do...you...have...any...idea...what... you've...done?

Link gulped. It was never a good sign when someone used that many elipses in a single sentance. Their eyes met, and Link felt a shiver run down his spine

"Um...d-do you want the ocarina back now?" he said weakly, holding the item out to her.

And that was when Zelda's mind snapped.

RebelX: So what do you think? Should I bother rewriting the rest of it? This part was always good enough on its own…please Review and tell me! (Puppy dog eyes) Pweeze?


	2. Yup, She's Gone Nuts

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: Zelda, Metroid, and all related indicia (ooh, fancy word) belong to Nintendo.

Author's note: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! I'm trying to get this up as fast as I can, but that's kinda hard right now, what with…er…

Ganondorf: Finals?

A/N: AGH! Don't even speak the word! But yeah…the evil tests of doom are coming up, and I'm going to be a tad busy studying and stuff. But don't worry! I'll get this done at one time or another! I REFUSE TO LET THIS STORY DIE!!!! …ok I'm done.

Chapter 2: Bye-bye Sanity

It was on that day that a monstrous sound rang out from Death Mountain: A scream of rage the likes of which had never been heard before. It echoed throughout the land, reaching the ears of all who inhabited it and filling them with terror. There was but one person who heard this inhuman roar and did not quiver with fear. Ganondorf Dragmire, former king of evil and all around not-nice guy, had just exited the Temple of Time, and the sound did no more than increase his already abundant confusion. First the seal imprisoning him in the evil realm cracks for no apparent reason, and now this? It was an impressive roar, to be sure. Even the redeads deep within the ancient catacombs of the Shadow Temple looked up with a start at the sound of it. But Ganondorf was a king, and an evil one at that, and he had a reputation to keep up, you know. He simply couldn't let himself be frightened by anything. So he wouldn't. It was as simple as that. Once the terrible noise had died away, he had only one thing to say:

"What the hell?"

And as if he was not confounded enough, suddenly an orange light throttled into the temple courtyard and materialized into Nabooru and Link. The courageous young hero was pale as a sheet and quivering all over, looking to faint any second. He leaned heavily on a likewise trembling Nabooru. The gerudo king was still puzzling over this new development when Nabooru added to his confusion with this well-timed quote:

"Ganondorf! I'm so glad you're here!"

After a moment or two of staring and heavy blinking, Ganondorf replied:

"Have I walked into some alternate dimension, or has everything been thrown upside down in my absence?"

"Oom!" the cow cried as gravity suddenly shifted and it floated up into the sky.

"What the f-ck?" Nabooru said after a moment of confused staring.

"Oooooooh…" said Link, his fear temporarily forgotten. And so he picked up a rock and threw it at the spot where the cow had been. It, too, flew up into the sky, but at a much faster rate than the cow. It smacked the cow in the face, knocking it out of the gravitational anomaly. And then everyone's eyes bulged for a second as they realized what was about to happen and jumped back to avoid being crushed by the falling bovine. Link's eyes widened in fascination.

"Cool!" he cried. Then, turning to Ganondorf, he asked what is perhaps the most random, out of place question in the history of this fanfiction: "Hey, do you have an umbrella?"

And Ganondorf did stare. Stare at Link like he was insane.

"I do!" piped up the cow, to everyone's surprise. Noticing their gawking, he innocently queried: "what?"

Ganondorf, being a king (and an evil one at that), would not let himself be surprised for long, and therefore recovered first. "Okaaaaay then….." he trailed off, breaking the bewildered silence which had settled over them like a fuzzy rag.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an organism largely resembling a floating blue Jell-O mold (it was actually an X parasite, but the Zelda characters, having never played metroid fusion nor heard of the metroid series, did not know that) sprang out of the ground and materialized into a teenage girl with a ferret on her head.

"I have come to the conclusion that cheese…is a vegetable!" she announced before dematerializing back into a blob and zipping off into space.

And there was much blinking, and rubbing of eyes.

"Grr I'm a dog." Said the cow.

Link frowned down at it.

"What?"

"You know what, just give me the damn umbrella." He snapped, holding out his hand expectantly.

"Okay."

Then a strange noise which sounded suspiciously like dun dun dun duuuuun came out of nowhere as Link held the umbrella above him (well…he wasn't really holding it, it was just sort of…floating…above his hands…o.O)

"You got: umbrella!" said a random text box.

"Yay!"

Ganondorf and Nabooru exchanged worried glances as they internally debated the sanity of the hero. But then their musings were rudely interrupted…for something happened then that made their blood turn cold. A monstrous roar of triumph sounded from a pink ball of light that had just appeared in the sky above them.

Ganondorf looked up in wonder, all pretense of stoicism forgotten, and muttered "what the...?" under his breath.

Nabooru gasped in horror as realization beat her over the head with a stick, a realization that would soon come to all of them as an all-too-familiar voice rang out:

"A-HA! HERE YOU ARE, HERO OF TIME!"

Link made a small sound in his throat that sounded something like "meep."

"NOW FEEL MY WRATH, YOU INFERNAL RUNT!"

At this comment, the hero immediately recovered as he posed the accusatory question: "…are you calling me short?"

After a brief pause, the voice replied: "…yes. Yes I am." With that, the pink light floated down to them and materialized into a very angry looking princess Zelda. Ganondorf was understandably taken aback and he turned to Nabooru with a puzzled frown.

"Dare I ask?"

"No" she said without hesitation.

Zelda approached the tremulous hero in a threateningly slow manner, her eyes gleaming of ill intent. That is, until Nabooru stepped in her way. Then her eyes shifted to dagger mode as she turned her glare on the gerudo.

"Out of the way, sage." She sneered. Of course, Zelda, being a princess, did not have much practice in the way of sneering, and the result was an expression more equivocal to someone who has something shoved up their nose and is trying to blow it back out. Nabooru somehow managed to keep a straight face (Link and Ganondorf didn't- but they weren't in Zelda's line of sight anymore) as she tried to reason with the infuriated princess.

"Zelda, you're being ridiculous! It was all just an accident!" she argued, "If anything, its Ruto's fault that-"

"Silence!" Zelda cut her off, attempting to glare down her nose at the gerudo as she pointed menacingly at her. Of course, she ended up looking rather odd since Nabooru was somewhat taller than her and she didn't seem to quite grasp the idea of staring down one's nose at another person. If you can imagine someone staring cross-eyed up at another person while flaring their nostrils and puckering their lips (we think she was going for the stern pouting-lipped look), then that's what she looked like. Now, up to this point the boys had managed to at least silence their laughter if not keep a straight face, but at the sight of Zelda trying to stare down her nose at Nabooru, Ganondorf burst out laughing. Zelda glared icicles at him (now _that_ was something she was good at) before moving her menacingly pointing finger in his direction and snapping: "Get back in that temple and wait until I find another way to seal you!"

Ganondorf stopped laughing and peered at her with an amused expression.

"Well?!" She snapped, her eyes narrowing.

Ganondorf continued to gaze evenly at her with a funny little half-smile. "Do you have a death wish?" he asked, half incredulous, half laughing.

Zelda's non-pointing hand curled into a fist as she glared heatedly at him, a genuine sneer curling her lips. This was not nearly so comical as before, though the very fact that it was delicate little princess Zelda doing it did take away some of its effect. Still Ganondorf remained unfazed, and after a short while the very frustrated and angry-beyond-belief Zelda rounded on Nabooru.

"_MOVE!!!_" she roared.

Now, for reasons to be discussed later in this fic, Nabooru has a very adverse response to people who glare madly at her and scream "move". Ergo, her immediate reaction was to jump aside with a frantic "eep" sound while her eyes instantaneously doubled in size. This left Zelda facing Link, who was slightly hunched over and still trying to contain his laughter from Zelda's cross-eyed attempt at staring down Nabooru. He immediately straightened and managed to look relatively serious (though his lip still quivered occasionally) as he stared her right in the eye. Now Zelda smiled as evilly as she could (looking rather manic in the process) and she tried her hand at an evil chuckle of sorts. It was a very halting, drawn out laugh which (unfortunately for her) sounded remarkably like Ganondorf's signature laugh. What happened next was a bit of a blur, though witnesses will recall a loud 'thwack' sound and Ganondorf's snarl of "That's _my_ laugh!"

Link stared. First at Zelda's prone form, then up at Ganondorf.

"…Did you just smack her with a swordfish?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes. Yes I did."

"Ow…" Zelda moaned from the ground.

Link considered the princess for a moment, remembering an old saying about a woman's wrath.

"Do _YOU_ have a death wish?" he crooked an eyebrow at the gerudo king.

Ganondorf snorted and tried to hide his smile behind his hand. The idea of Zelda posing any threat to him was laughable, although he really shouldn't be laughing quite so much…not unless it was _evil_ laughing, leastways. Of course, he shouldn't allow that sort of insubordination, either. Which is why Link was on the receiving end of a swordfish-thwack a few seconds later.

Zelda, having recovered by now, ominously rose from the ground. Her eyes burned, her thin form shaking with barely supressed rage. Link immediately forgot the pain of his thwacking, Nabooru froze in terror, and Ganondorf actually raised his eyebrows slightly. Zelda looked downright pissed.

"Alright, that's it…" she hissed venomously, "_Now everyone gets to die!_" If looks could kill, all of Hyrule temple would be a smoking crater in the ground. Link was so absorbed in her death glare that he accidentally dropped the umbrella on his foot, painfully bringing himself back to reality and reminding him of his earlier idea. Eyes alight with rediscovered inspiration, Link completely forgot Zelda's current mood (he was a very forgetful sort of person), exclaimed "A-ha!" and ran over to the cow. Zelda turned her raging eyes of death doom and destruction in his direction, but he wasn't looking. He had his eyes closed as he smiled brightly and waved. "Sayonara, princess!" he cried, and with that, he jumped to the right. Nothing happened. Bewildered, he looked up.

"Oh, whoops! It's over here."

He took a step back and whoosh! Up up and away he went in the gravitational anomaly. This turn of events was enough to push Zelda's raging insanity back from "I EXIST ONLY TO KILL" to "I will knock you all down!" (both final fantasy quotes).

"What the f-ck?" she said.

"That's what I said" Nabooru agreed.

"Vuahahaha!" Link laughed.

Zelda turned to the others. "How'd he do that?"

"Moo power!" spoke up the cow for the first time since Zelda's arrival. Zelda stared at it, noticing it for the first time. The first thing that caught her eye was the fact that it was lying on its back, then the cracks in the ground surrounding it, then the ridiculous smile plastered over its face. How a cow was even able to smile is a mystery for the ages.

"What the...?" she murmured, unconciously mimicking Ganondorf yet again. This time, however, she did not get thwacked.

Meanwhile, up in the air, Link was so far up the others looked like toy dolls. Deciding that this was high enough, he took out his umbrella and 'fwoomp!' opened it. He gently glided out of the gravitational anomaly and headed in the direction of Kokiri forest. Back on the ground, Zelda was debating going after him.

"Screw this! I'm going after him."

Well, maybe not quite debating. Anyway, Nabooru furrowed her brow. She knew she had to stall Zelda, but could not overcome her fear of her. Then an idea came to her. She turned to Ganondorf.

"I'll bet you 10 rupees you can't hit her ten times in a row with the swordfish."

Ganondorf glared over at Nabooru. It was a well known fact (among the gerudo, at least) that Ganondorf had a serious gambling problem. You could get him to do almost anything, so long as you included the words "bet" and "rupees." He knew she was just trying to get him to stall Zelda for her, but…

"10 rupees?"

"Yup"

"You're on."

'Thwack!'

"Ow!"

'Thwack!'

"Urg!"

'Thwack!'

"Dammit!"

'Thwack!'

"I'll-"

'Thwack!'

"get-"

'Thwack!'

"you-"

'Thwack!'

"for-"

'Thwack!'

"this!"

'Thwack!'

'Thwack!'

Ganondorf merely smiled as he sheathed his swordfish. To him, Zelda's meaningless threats were…well…meaningless. Calmly he held out his hand to Nabooru, the half smile gracing his features once more. Nabooru smiled as well as she slapped two blue rupees into his palm. Link was safely out of sight.

"Grr…" Zelda growled, her eye twitching slightly. Then she grabbed the frozen swordfish and: 'Thwack!'

Ganondorf had coolly closed his eyes in expectation of the blow, but it did not come. So when he heard the 'thwack' sound he smiled and said "You missed."

"Did I?" Zelda purred. The swordfish beating had pushed her slightly over the edge of "I will knock you all down!" to that in-between, weird sort of stage of madness that involved a lot of random "ha ha's" and strange, ranting poems.

"Ow" Nabooru moaned from the ground beside them. Ganondorf glanced down at her and smirked. So Zelda had gone after Nabooru instead of him…wise decision. As if reading his mind, Zelda sidled closed to him until they were almost nose to nose (nose to chest, actually, for she was quite short) and drew herself up to look as tall as possible, smiling vaguely all the while with a somewhat dreamy gloss over her eyes.

"I will get you. Someday. Ha ha. Someday. Just wait. Ha." Her eye twitched. Ganondorf cocked an eyebrow as he gazed down at her. He recognized the madness burning behind the glaze of her eyes, having a great deal of experience with it himself. He wasn't sure what had happened exactly, but he knew that something had made her snap. Still, he was fairly confident in her ability (or lack of ability, rather) to hurt him, and her insanity was more amusing than terrifying.

With a manic, high-pitched giggle Zelda dematerialized into a pink ball of light and flew away in pursuit of our hero. Ganondorf, Nabooru, and the cow simply stood there, blinking.

A/N: That's all for now! What do you think? Is it as good as the first chapter? Review! (puppy dog eyes) Please?!

Oh, and " Grr I'm a dog" is a quote from an old substitute teacher that used to teach at my school. My _high_school. Yeah. Be afraid, be very VERY afraid.


	3. Fun in the Forest

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. I own…um...

"NOTHING!!!" Link roared.

Author's Note: Agh…sorry this took so long guys, I got a little caught up in that little holiday we like to call "Christmas". A big thank you to all who reviewed, your continuing support is very much appreciated, and another big thank you to everyone who reads this, whether you review or not, because you gave my fic a chance. I'll shut up now before this starts looking like some award acceptance speech.

"Too late!" said the cat.

The author took a moment to wonder why the cat was talking, then shrugged it off and decided to continue with the fic.

Chapter 3: Fun in the forest

A soft breeze tousled Link's golden hair as he swayed back and forth. The glide down with the umbrella had been quite pleasant, but now his arm was getting tired and he was still too high up to let go and fall. Unfortunately, the umbrella was no longer drifting down towards the ground. Why not, you ask?

"'Cuz it's stuck in a frickin' tree, that's why!" Link snapped irritably at the narrator.

Yes, that was true. The umbrella had been snagged on a very high branch in a very tall tree, and Link had been shaking it for a good five minutes with no success in loosing it. He was still puzzling what to do next when a certain someone came along down the path below him.

"Dum de dum…" hummed the Happy Mask Salesman.

"Hey! I remember you!"

"Huh?"

The mask salesman looked around wildly, many of the masks attached to the outside of his sack swinging around and smacking him in the process, trying to find the source of the mysterious voice that called to him.

"Up here!"

The Happy mask salesman tried to look up, but the weight of the enormous sac on his back made him fall over.

"Oof!"

Link couldn't help but snicker, despite the fact his only hope for getting down from the tree had just gotten grounded.

"Blasted kid! Now I'm stuck!" the mask salesman snarled.

"Aw great, so how am I gonna get out of this tree?" Link whined.

"What are you talking about? I'm not whining!" Link whined some more, despite the fact that he was obviously whining.

"I am not!"

Are too.

"Am not!"

Are too.

"Link, stop arguing with the narrator" growled the author, "and get to the damn scene change already!"

Meanwhile, back at the cow…

"Moo?" said the cow, still lying on its back beside the gravitational anomaly.

Err...I mean, in Kakariko village….

"The llamas…they're in the walls…and they want my soul…" muttered the cuckoo lady while a couple redeads clambered out of the well and started doing disco.

Uh…Lake Hylia?

"Agh! The scarecrows are attacking again!!" screamed a random Zora while dodging the pitchfork of an enraged dancing scarecrow.

O.O uh….well since we can't find Zelda, let's just go back to Link then, shall we?

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth"

"Ok, does your name mean you're a salesman of happy masks, or a happy mask salesman?"

"Hmm…I don't know. Both, I guess."

"No, then you'd be a happy happy mask salesman."

"True. Well, I own a happy mask shop, so-"

"But is it a happy mask shop, or a shop of happy masks?"

"Mind.…boggled….can't….think…." the mask salesman gurgled, drool dribbling down his chin as his brain shorted out.

"Uh…let's skip to my turn then, shall we?

"Truth or dare?" said the salesman, who had instantaneously recovered somehow.

"Dare!" cried the ever-daring Link.

"Wait…ever-daring as in always daring people, or always being daring?"

…you people think into things way too much.

"Hmm…." Hummed the mask salesman, as he pondered weak and weary.

Five minutes later…

"Oh, come on! Is it that hard to think up a dare?!"

"It is when the person you're daring is stuck up in a tree, and can't really do much."

Link chewed on that for a moment, "You have a point there."

"I know! Sing "I'm A Little Teapot" at the top of your lungs!"

Link stared incredulously down at the Happy Mask Salesman. "….It took you five minutes to think of that?"

"How do you know it's been five minutes?"

"This umbrella has a built in clock" Link said, pointing to the black polished handle of the umbrella where a digital clock could be seen.

The Happy mask salesman raised an eyebrow.

"Don't ask."

"Oooookay, are you going to sing or not?"

"Oh, yeah"

"And don't forget the motions!"

Now it was Link's turn to raise an eyebrow, "Need I remind you that I'm _stuck in a frickin' tree?!!_"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll manage somehow."

Link scowled, took a deep breath, and prepared to sing.

Elsewhere in the forest….

Nabooru looked around idly as she strolled along, her hands in her pockets. "So… What else can we bet on?" she asked.

Ganondorf, who was walking peaceably next to her for some reason, grinned evilly and suggested: "10 rupees says we walk in on Link doing something really humiliating"

Nab (which is what I'll call Nabooru from now on, since her name is so annoying to type) stared at him oddly. "Well, that really came out of left field. What made you think of that?"

Ganon (Ganondorf, another long name I don't feel like typing) looked around with shifty eyes and snapped "Are you going to take the bet or aren't you?"

Nab shrugged dismissively, "You're on, pig boy!"

Ganon sighed. "I'm never gonna live that down…" he murmured.

They walked on in silence for a few moments until they heard something which made them stop dead in their tracks:

"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!"

"Oh goddesses tell me that's not who I think it is…" Nab muttered as she slapped a hand to her forehead.

"Oh what do you know, it's Link." Ganon observed with a grin.

Sure enough, far above them Link hung from an umbrella stuck on a branch and sang at the top of his lungs as he gently swayed back and forth in the wind.

Ganon smiled down at Nab. "That'll be 10 rupees."

Nabooru muttered darkly as she handed him the money.

"HERE IS MY HANDLE" Link continued to shout in an obscenely loud and off-key manner as he crooked his free arm, "HERE IS MY- urk…ung…"

Link tried to curve his right arm into the spout, something that proved difficult considering he was hanging by it.

"urp- SPOUT!" He cried as he finally succeeded. "Huff…puff…ok…five minute break before I finish the song."

"Yeesh, you'd think he'd never done a one handed pull-up before." HMS scoffed. (HMS equals Happy Mask Salesman because author equals lazy).

"Strange…why do you look so familiar?" Nab stared at HMS, stroking her chin thoughtfully.

"Huh?" Ganon turned questioningly to Nabooru.

"That guy lying on his back! Does he look familiar to you?"

"Hmm…"

Flashback time!!

Some random Gerudo guard stood at the entrance to the Gerudo Fortress, eyeing the strange man in front of her. "What do you want?" she snarled.

"Ah! I'm doing some important research on gerudos, and I need to get into the fortress," said the stranger, who was the HMS in case you haven't guessed.

The guard raised an eyebrow, "….what kind of research?"

"I'm making a mask!" He said happily, punching the air for emphasis.

The guard gave him the universal 'are you a lunatic?' stare. "Um…"

"Well?" He prompted, grinning insufferably as he rocked back and forth.

"I don't think I can let you in."

HMS went from 0 to royally pissed off in 1.5 seconds. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!!" he roared as he gripped her by the shoulders and throttled her like a dead sparrow.

"GAk! Let…go…you…freak…!"

"What's going on here?" Ganon demanded, having heard the commotion and meandered over from inside the fortress.

HMS took no notice of him as he growled and continued shaking the guard.

Ganon did not like being ignored. He did not like it one bit.

'THWACK!' (in case I haven't mentioned it before, anything in the single quotes like 'this' is a sound effect. It is a perfectly suitable way to express sound effects in story format, and is not directly associated to script format in any way. So take that! …please don't delete me.)

"…did you just thwack me with a swordfish?" HMS queried as he finally let go of Nab.

"Yes. Now who are you and what the hell were you doing to Nabooru?"

Nab, who had been the guard the entire time, made a small "urk" sound and collapsed to the ground.

"Researching!" HMS said with way too much enthusiasm.

Ganon stared at him.

Nab shakily got to her feet and massaged her throat gently, "He says he wants to make a mask or something." She said hoarsely.

Ganon shook his head and sighed before turning back to the HMS, "Look, I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to get the hell out of here before I beat the crap out of you. 1…"

HMS stood there, smiling, and did nothing.

"2…"

HMS continued smiling like an idiot and still did nothing.

Ganon was getting a little pissed off now, "3…"

HMS blinked, but other than that, he did nothing other than continue smiling.

"Just fry the bastard!" Nab snapped.

Ganon followed up on her suggestion and fried him.

HMS coughed, disturbing some of the soot which now covered him head to toe.

"Well?" Ganon prompted threateningly.

HMS then began running in circles for some reason.

"Um…the exit is that way." Ganondorf said helpfully, pointing in the direction of the exit.

HMS continued running in circles for no apparent reason.

Ganon and Nab watched him for a moment.

"I think he's lost it" Nab suggested.

HMS then ran up to Nabooru, gave her the super-uber-pissed look again, and screamed: "OUTTA MY WAY!!"

Nab's eyes got really big and she jumped aside with a small 'eep' sound.

"Yeeheeheheheheehe!" HMS cackled as he ran into the fortress.

Ganon scowled at Nab, "Dammit, that's the fifth time this week Nabooru!"

Nab gulped and scratched the back of her neck nervously. The fact was, she simply couldn't stand up under pressure. "Um…I'm demoted now, aren't I?"

"Yes. Now go give my step-mothers sponge baths!" he ordered.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" she screeched, "You'll pay for this! Someday, somehow, I will make you pay!! VUAHAHAHA!" and ran off.

Ganon stared after her. "That can't be good…."

End flashback!!

"Oh, I remember that lunatic…" Ganon murmured.

"So, you don't think one-handed pull-ups are hard? I'd like to see you do one." Link, who was completely oblivious of the lengthy flashback that had just occured, scoffed at them from above.

"Alright. Can you support a full grown man with one arm?" HMS directed this inquiry to Nab, who grinned impishly and hefted Ganon off the ground easily with one hand. It should probably be mentioned at this point that Link's golden gauntlets had mysteriously dissapeared after he ran into Nab in the Fire Temple earlier.

"Ack! Put me down!"

Nab snickered as she continued to hold the wildly flailing King of Evil two feet in the air.

"Don't make me get the swordfish!" he snarled.

Nab blinked, "Didn't Zelda take it?" she asked.

Ganon gasped, "You're right! I need to get it back!"

Nab finally put Ganondorf down.

"I'm off to recover the swordfish!" he stated with a heroic pose.

"The wonderful swordfish of Oz?"

"Ye- no. Shaddup."

And thus Ganondorf left to find Zelda and get back his swordfish. I wish him good luck with that, as she is one tough b---- to find.

"Right then." Nab glared at me, since I was going off on a tangent.

"Now hold out your arm where I can grab it." HMS ordered.

Nab looked down at him warily, "Hmm…that depends."

"Pardon?"

"Are you sane now? Can I expect not to be throttled like a dead sparrow?"

"What do you mean? African or European?" HMS said in a randomly appearing British accent.

Nab scowled at the reference, "Let me rephrase that…."

"Don't worry, Nabooru! If he does anything funny, I'll laugh!" Link piped up.

Nab rolled her eyes, "Some hero you are."

"What'd you expect? I'm STUCK IN A FRICKIN' TREE!!"

Nab grinned a grin of ill-intent, "That can be fixed…"

"Uh oh…"

A/N: Heh heh heh…ah, how I love cliffhangers.

"That's MY laugh!"

'Whack!'

"…did you just whack me with the windmill guy?"

"That sounded SO wrong" said the windmill guy

The author's eye twitched. That wasn't a good sign.

"Um…well, that's all folks! Thank you for taking the time to enjoy our insanity, and don't forget to review!" Ganon said as he nervously inched away from the author and the windmill guy.

"Grr…"

"Eep"


	4. Poor Link

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: Zelda, Metroid, Kirby, and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. I do not own South Park, and though I forgot to mention it last chapter I do not own Monty Python. I merely steal jokes from them.

A/N: Long ago and far away, there was a chapter I uploaded in which over half of the text kept getting deleted for some strange reason. I fixed this problem by breaking the chapter into two parts, thus making it load properly. Hopefully now I won't have that problem, so once again chapter four has been combined into one! Vuahahaha!! Now then…

Before we begin, let us recap the author's ending note to the last chapter, shall we?

An enormous screen lowers and plays the last chapter's ending.

A/N: Heh heh heh…ah, how I love cliffhangers.

"That's MY laugh!"

'Whack!'

"…did you just whack me with the windmill guy?"

"That sounded SO wrong" said the windmill guy

The author's eye twitched. That wasn't a good sign.

"Um…well, that's all folks! Thank you for taking the time to enjoy our insanity, and don't forget to review!" Ganon said as he nervously inched away from the author and the windmill guy.

"Grr…"

"Eep"

The screen goes black, and the author pulls out a large, bloody pike with the windmill guy's head on it, which she sticks in the ground and leans against casually.

The Author glances at the pike and smiles, "Just thought I'd clear up what happened there."

Link suddenly enters from stage left and gasps, "You killed windmill guy! You bastard!"

Ganon enters from stage right and asks, "You're not turning into one of those sadistic, evil authors who go around punishing all their characters, are you?"

The Author glares at him, "Who do you think you are, my psychiatrist? And besides, you don't need to worry about that… Yet" she says with a snap of her fingers.

At this signal the windmill guy jumps down from above and the two cry out in unison:

"FOOLED YOU!!"

And then the Author makes a great show of ripping a mask off the head to reveal that it was actually Tingle's, not the windmill guy's.

Link jumps in the air for joy, "Woohoo!! You killed Tingle! My hero!"

RebelX (the author) bows.

But their celebration is cut short as Tingle's voice drifts down from above, "Not so fast!"

"Oh no…" Ganon moans, slapping his forehead.

Tingle then pops his balloon and drops down from above with a cry of "FOOLED YOU!" He then jumps up and rips another mask off of the head, revealing it to be the head of some random stalfos.

"Aw nuts…" Link mutters, snapping his fingers.

"Wait a tic! How can this be? I specifically remember killing you!" RebelX protests.

"Ao-ohoho (an interpretation of that weird noise he makes) that was not me, but a stinking thief who stole the magic words Tingle created himself! Tingle warn him, warn him of magic fairy vengeance! But No-oho-" Tingle begins, then starts ranting about magic fairy vengeance.

Finally, after listening to about five minutes of his ranting, Link screams: "I can't take it anymore!" and comes after Tingle with the megaton hammer.

Tingle shrieks and runs away. While running he cries over his shoulder: "No mister fairy! Tingle forbids you to squish him! Forbids!"

Deaf to his pleas, Link increases his speed and roars: "Die you unholy incarnation of annoyance! I forbid you to plague my descendants!"

Zelda then warps from out of nowhere. "Wait!" she says as she steps into Link's path, "I have already given him an integral role in the fate of your descendants! If you kill him now, that role will never be fulfilled, and their quests will fail!"

"Ah, dangit!" Link moans, sadly putting his hammer away.

Zelda tried to hide her snicker. "Heh heh heh… sucker!" she thought.

'Whack!'

"How many times do I have to tell you?!" Ganon snaps as he sets the windmill guy back down, "That's MY laugh!"

Zelda stares open mouthed in confusion. "Wha- ? I was only thinking that! How could you possibly have heard my thoughts?"

"I'm psychic." He says simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"You are? I thought I was the only one in Hyrule with that power!"

"Nope! All the Triforce bearers have psychic abilities. You are, I am, and Link would be if he could only focus…"

"Yeah. It's sad, really." Link sighs, "My attention can be distracted by the silliest- ooh! Blinking lights!" he exclaims, staring up at the ceiling.

Zelda cocks an eyebrow.

The author turns around as she feels a tap on her shoulder. The headless stalfos behind her taps its foot impatiently, its arms akimbo.

"Oh. Heh heh, sorry." She says, jerking the head off the pike with some difficulty and then handing it to him.

The stalfos promptly puts its head on backwards, turns around, and walks straight into the set which crashes down with a series of loud bangs and other various crash noises. The head rolls back over in front of the author, who looks around shifty eyed for a moment before snatching it up and running off cackling.

(And thus concludes the longest author's note I've ever written!)

Chapter four: Poor Link (part one)

"HIEE-YAH!"

"WAAAAAAAAA- OOF!"

These were the voices that rang through the forest that fateful morning-

"Afternoon, actually" Link corrected with a point to the clock in his umbrella.

-Right. Anyway, one of them belonged to Link, who had recovered from the fifty foot fall surprisingly quickly-

"Lucky you landed on that Kirby"

"Yeah"

"Ung…the pain…" Kirby moaned.

And the other belonged to Nabooru, who was now at a loss as to how she would recover the scimitar she had hurled at the branch which had held Link's umbrella.

Nab scratched her head as she spoke, "Damn, it disappeared into the underbrush. This forest has too many plants!"

Then the Happy mask salesman kindly reminded her of what she was supposed to be doing.

"Are you going to hold out your arm or not?"

"Huh? Oh, right." She said, absently holding out her arm.

The Happy mask salesman grasped her outstretched arm with one of his own and pulled himself up with ease.

"Ha! You see? I can do a one armed pull-up easily. Oh, and thank you for helping me up."

"No problem. But why didn't you just take that humongous sac off so you could get up on your own?"

"Um… because I'm an idiot?"

"Ah."

They were interrupted (again) by the Hero of Time, who was now chasing after the swiftly departing Kirby.

"Hey! Come back here! That's MY umbrella!"

Kirby giggled and floated away, Link's precious umbrella in tow.

"Ok, that's it! You're in for a furious fist-shaking!" he cried, before shaking his fist in Kirby's direction.

"You forgot furiously!"

Alright, before furiously shaking his fist in Kirby's direction.

"Better."

"GET ON WITH IT," screamed the Author.

Nab cocked an eyebrow at Link, "So what, you're a disgruntled old man now?"

"Aw Shaddup" he muttered as he took off after Kirby.

"Let it go, Link. Those suckers can fly for miles!" Nab shouted after him.

Thankfully Link listened to Nabooru's pleading-

"Pleading?! I wasn't pleading!"

-and stopped. He walked back to them dejectedly and-

"Hey! Are you ignoring me?"

"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE STOP ARGUING WITH THE NARRATOR!!!" The Author roared.

"We will if you stop speaking in all caps."

"Deal."

Anyways, Link walked back to them dejectedly and immediately plopped down and began sniffling pathetically.

"It's not fair!" He sobbed most un-heroically, "Now I won't be able to tell time!" and promptly began crying.

"Aw, poor kid." Said the HMS, "Here, have a mask."

"Dun dun dun Dunnnn!

You got: Gerudo mask!" said a randomly appearing text box.

At this, Nabooru turned questioningly to the happy mask salesman. "You mean you actually made that thing?!"

"Yup!" HMS said happily.

Link rolled his eyes, "Oh, joy. Now I can look like a girl. Woopee." He said, his tone dripping with so much sarcasm that Nabooru had to put a bucket under it to prevent it from spilling. Link then put on the mask and began dancing around while speaking in a ridiculously high-pitched voice: "Look at me! I'm a stuck up gerudo! And I'm not going to let you into our fortress, even though you have to get to the spirit temple so that you can save the frickin' world, because you're just some stupid kid and you don't have any business with the fortress itself. Blah Blah blah, ooh, I broke a nail…"

Nab scowled darkly at him and was about to angrily respond to his mockery (in other words, was about to bring him much pain) when she noticed something very peculiar.

"Er…Link?"

Link stopped dancing and looked over at her, surprised that she had not yet attacked. "What?"

"Uh…look down."

He did so. He didn't understand what she was talking about. All he saw was the usual forest floor, littered by twigs, rocks, dirt, various plants and Nab's bucket.

"What am I supposed to be seeing here?" he asked.

"Euh, look down _at your body_.

Now profoundly puzzled, Link looked. His eyes popped as he screamed "Holy crap I HAVE BOOBS!!!!"

Nabooru and the HMS exchange glances, then simultaneously burst out laughing at Link's predicament. Through his laughter, the HMS managed to struggle out: "I'm sorry kid, heh, I must have given you the transform mask by mistake. Hehe."

"A transform mask? What's that?"

"Well, you wouldn't know about this since you won't go back to being a child and take that little trip through Termina, but there are certain masks that bind with your spirit and change your form when you put them on."

Link's jaw dropped.

"Vuahaha! Now you really ARE a gerudo!" Nabooru exclaimed, and then started laughing so hard she fell over on to the ground.

"It's not funny!" Link protested.

"He's right, it's not funny." The HMS said seriously.

"Thank you." Link sighed.

"It's hilarious!"

Link glared at both of them. "I hate you all."

Still chuckling, the HMS shook his head and said: "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an evil mask of doom to find." With that, he began walking off into the forest.

"So… shall we go back to the fortress and mourn our broken nails?" Nab, who had recovered from her laughing fit and gotten up from the ground, said with a smirk.

"Oh shut up."

"Aaargh! I lost him!" Cut in a mysterious voice.

"Huh?" Link and Nab both turned toward the source of the exclamation.

The owner of the mysterious voice burst through some nearby bushes, revealing them self to be none other than a very flustered, torn, dirty princess Zelda with several grass stains and tears in her dress and a twig or two sticking in her hair.

Nab eyed her distastefully, "You know, you really ought to quit copying Ganondorf. It's really getting annoying."

"Hmm?" Zelda turned and, noticing the pair of them for the first time, exclaimed, "What the- ? What are two gerudo doing in Kokiri forest?!"

"I'm not gerudo, I'm Kokiri!" Link protested, momentarily forgetting about the effects of the transform mask.

Zelda cocked an eyebrow at him.

Thinking quickly, Nabooru took Link's arm and told Zelda "I'm sorry, my friend here is a little...messed in the head. She somehow convinced herself that she is a Kokiri and keeps running off into the forest. Now if you'll excuse us, I need to get her back to the fortress where she belongs."

"Nabooru? That you? Oh, well go ahead. You haven't seen Link around here, have you?" Zelda asked.

Nab smirked a bit and truthfully replied, "Not since Kirby ran off with his umbrella."

Zelda looked at her oddly. "Riiiight…I'll keep looking, then." She said and then walked off in the same direction as the HMS.

Link stroked his/her chin thoughtfully. "I'm beginning to see the usefulness of my…predicament." He murmured.

"Mmm-hmm." Nab smiled knowingly.

Another Mysterious Voice then came from the same direction as the first suddenly cried: "Aaargh! I lost her!"

Nab smiled "Now THAT is a voice I recognize…"

A moment later, who should reveal themselves to be the owner of the not-so-mysterious voice than Ganondorf. His clothing was a little torn from tramping through the forest, but he certainly looked a lot better off than Zelda.

"Hey did Zelda pass by-" he paused as he caught sight of Link and blinked in surprise. "Who the hell are you?" he demanded.

"What, you mean you don't recognize me?" Link said, batting his eyelashes innocently.

"We'll give you three guesses." Nab said.

Ganon thought for a bit. He didn't recognize this gerudo, so he knew they weren't from around here. "Hmm… a gerudo visiting from Termina?" he ventured.

"Nope."

"Some long lost friend of yours that you just found in the forest?"

"Try again."

Ganon thought hard for a second. "Link?"

"Hey! How'd you- ?" Link stuttered.

Ganon grinned, but said nothing.

Link scowled.

"So… do I dare ask?" Ganon asked with his usual half smile.

"No." Link said firmly, crossing his/her arms to emphasize his/her point.

Ganon shrugged. He could understand not wanting to talk about something weird like this. "Okay… then have either of you seen Zelda?"

"She went that way" Link said, pointing.

"Thanks..." he snickered, "Link."

Link scowled darkly.

Still sniggering, Ganon took his leave.

"You know, I thought she went that way" Nab said, pointing in the direction opposite of where Link had directed Ganondorf.

Link smiled evilly, "That's what he gets for guessing correctly."

A/N: "Yahoo! Two chapters in one day! So review! Pweeze?" The Author pleaded with her trademark puppy dog eyes.

"Didn't you already try that?" Link pointed out.

The Author glanced at the review count and smiled, "It worked, didn't it?

"Anyways… thus ends the chapter (formerly two chapters, now one again) with the longest author's note. Boy, I'm just full of records today, aren't I? Thank you again everybody, and-

"Don't forget to review!" the author and Ganon exclaimed together.

"Bye now!" The Author cried, waving happily.


	5. There is No Chapter 5

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fan fiction by RebelX

There is no chapter 5.


	6. We Are the Bored

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. Or…do they?

Nintendo glared at the disclaimer.

"Um… I mean, of course they do! Eh heh…" the disclaimer quickly added, sweatdropping.

A/N: We are the bored. Fear the twistedness of our minds!" the author cackles, "and don't worry if any of this stuff goes over your head. Yeah. Review!" she said, with another dreaded display of the puppy dog eyes, "Pweeze?"

And on a side note, the reason there is no chapter five is because the order got all mixed up due to chapter four no longer being in two parts. Also, this chapter looked a lot better in script format. Especially in the last part. You'll see what I mean, if you haven't read the story before…

Chapter 5: Spoon

"Wait a minute! There is no chapter five!" Link points out.

-.- Chapter 6: Spoon

"There is no spoon!" Nab protested.

-.- (twitch) Chapter 6???

"Better!" Nab and Link exclaimed in eerie harmony.

The evening sun cast speckled shadows across two gerudo that sat on an old tree stump in the forest. A few feet away, a skullkid sat up behind several large bushes, intently dropping eaves on their conversation. He had jumped a little when he first heard their voices, but he was a bored skullkid, and now was grateful for something to take away from the monotony.

"Wiggle wiggle wiggle…wiggle wiggle wiggle…"

"Will you cut that out?!"

"What?! I've never had a pair of these before!"

"Sigh…"

Twisted and disturbing though it was.

"Look, just quit playing with them before somebody comes along and sees you!"

"Why? There's nothing wrong with playing with them!"

"Are you kidding?! They're for show only!"

"Not if you have kids"

"Any kid older than a toddler would agree with me, and besides, you do not and hopefully will not have any children. So put those away!"

The skullkid sat with wide eyes as he listened. He had a very dirty mind.

"Look, let's just go to the fortress and figure out what to do about Zelda"

"Aw, but I want to play! I've wanted a pair of these for so long-"

The skullkid cringed at that,

"And now I finally get some and you won't even let me-"

"LINK!!"

"Ok, fine, but….just once more?"

"Sigh…fine…"

"Yay! Giggle…wiggle wiggle wiggle….hey, can I try yours?"

"WHAT?!!"

"Please?"

"_No!_"

"Oh, c'mon, I wanna see what yours are like!"

"No way!"

"Oh, don't be so selfish! You need to learn to share!"

"Ah! Don't grab them! Ow, that hurt!"

"Gimme!"

"No!"

There was a crash as the struggling pair fell off the stump. The skullkid, meanwhile, couldn't take it anymore. He burst through the bushes that made his cover and shouted,

"What the hell are you two doing?!!"

Link and Nabooru looked up in surprise. Nabooru was on her back on the ground, her arms stretched away from Link who was in the middle of lunging for the bobble head dolls she held. His own pair of bobble head dolls lay on the ground a few feet away. Both stared at the skullkid, who stared back at them with a mixture of embarrassment and relief.

(A/N: yes, they have bobble head dolls. What did you think they were talking about? 0:- )

"Er… Sorry. I thought- uh- I thought- never mind what I thought. What are you doing?"

"Uh… We weren't playing with dolls! Really! We uh- we were uh-" Nab scrambled for an explanation.

"Give it up, Nabooru. He's seen us." Link said.

Nab hung her head in defeat.

"What's so bad about playing with dolls?" Skullkid asked incredulously.

"We refuse to contribute to the stereotype of females!"

"I see. Where did you get the dolls?"

"Mido" Link said.

Skullkid raised an eyebrow (they do have eyebrows, don't they?)

"What?" Link asked.

"Er… nothing. How do you know Mido?"

"Why shouldn't I? I'm a Kokiri for Pete's sake!"

For a moment skullkid said nothing. Then he slowly looked Link up and down a few times.

"A Kokiri. Really."

"What? I am!"

"A really tall Kokiri with tan skin, round ears, red hair, and fully developed…um…appendages."

Link blinked in confusion, "what are you talking about?"

Nab sighed. "Look down, Link."

Link looked down. "Oooooh yeaaaah…"

"Link? Your name is Link?!"

"Let me explain." Nab said, then knelt and began whispering in his ear (I don't know if they have ears either, but oh well).

Skullkid listened intently, interrupting with occaisional comments such as "She did?" or "Buahaha! Then what?" and "Kirby did what?!" and "That's hilarious!" and "He actually said that? Buhaha!" and so on and so on.

Link scowled at them. "He didn't ask for my life story, Nabooru!"

Skullkid and Nab ignored him.

Link muttered irritably under his breath.

'beep' 'beep'

"Huh? What's that beeping sound?"

The Kokiri turned Gerudo looked around until s/he discovered the source of the sound: one of Nabooru's bobble head dolls.

"Odd…" Link picked it up and examined it carefully.

Suddenly, the head fell off.

"Uh oh… I didn't do it!" s/he exclaimed, dropping the doll and throwing up his/her hands.

Then, oddly enough, a voice came out of the doll.

"Nabooru? Are you there? Nabooru! Helooooo! Anybody home?!"

Flustered and uncertain, Link glanced over at Nab and Skullkid. They had taken no notice, so he picked the doll back up. He examined it, trying to find the source of the noise, until he looked down the neck-

"What the?!"

-where he saw something that nearly made him drop it again.

"Nabooru, why is there a gigantic eye in your bobble head doll?"

Nabooru still didn't listen to him, so he looked back at the eye that was staring at him from inside the bobble head doll. It blinked.

Link's mouth fell open.

"Oh hey Link! Do you know where Nabooru is?"

Link stared.

"Link?"

Link continued to stare.

"Snap out of it already!"

Link snapped out of it. "Who are you and how do you know that I'm Link?"

"What, you don't recognize my voice?" it asked with a giggle.

"Wait… Saria?!"

"Got it in one!" She exclaimed happily.

"What are you doing in there?!"

"….doing in where?"

"Inside Nabooru's bobble head doll?"

"Oh, that must have been where she stuck her communicator."

"Communicator?"

"Well we sages have to have a way to talk to each other, duh."

"Um… Couldn't you use telepathy or something?"

"Ganondorf's psychic, remember? He would've heard everytime we called a meeting. And Zelda's psychic too, so this way's still safer."

"I see… So you knew he was psychic?"

"Yup!"

"How come Zelda didn't?"

"Well, she was sort of a newcomer." Saria explained.

"I see…" Link murmured.

"So can I talk to Nabooru now?"

"Probably not."

"How come?"

"I've been trying to get her attention for the past five minutes, you see, but she's too busy….well…."

Link pointed the neck of the doll towards Nabooru and Skullkid so that Saria could see them.

"I see…" she said, watching them whispering, "this could probably take a while, hmm?"

Link sighed. "Yeah…" he agreed. Then, an idea struck him. "Wanna play truth or dare?"

"Ok."

Meanwhile, in Hyrule Castle Town one of the most lively conversations in history was currently taking place…

"..…" said a redead.

"….." responded another redead.

",,,,,?" asked a third redead.

"…..!!" exclaimed the other two redeads.

The third redead scowled. "….." he said.

Riveting, ne? (end sarcasm) Sigh…don't tell me we can't find Zelda again…uh, let's try Lon Lon Ranch

"Back! Back minions of irritation, back!" Malon cried, brandishing a pitchfork at the Navi swarm.

"HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!"

"Aargh!"

Poor farm girl. Sigh… Zora's Domain?

The Zora King eyed the empty domain. "Sure is quiet around here." He remarked to his companion, who was the only other zora present in the entire domain.

"Yup" the second zora replied.

"Where'd everybody go?"

"I dunno. Something about evil dancing scarecrows invading Lake Hylia."

"Again?"

o.O er…Kokiri village?

Ganondorf glanced at me (the narrator) from where he stood puzzling next to Mido. "Can't find Zelda either, eh?"

Sigh… Nope.

Ganon sighed.

Suddenly a midget popped out of thin air and ran up to the king of evil.

"Telegram for an Evil, King of?"

"He's over there, dipwad" Mido snapped.

"Oops!" he cried, and then ran over to Ganondorf.

Mido glared at me. "They prefer to be called little people!" he snapped.

Oops! Sorry…

"Actually, I prefer the term midget." The little person- er, midget, said.

Ganon turned to him in puzzlement. "Really? Why?"

"Because it's so fun to say. Midget!" he giggled, "Midget!" then giggled some more.

Ganon smacked his forehead. "That's right! Silly me, I forgot we were in a fan fiction written by an author who's obsessed with the word."

"Hee hee. Midget!" The Author squeaked, before breaking into a fit of giggles.

Ganon rolled his eyes. "Anyways…"

"Telegram for an Evil, King of?" the midget offered him the piece of paper Mido had just rejected.

"That would be me." Ganon replied, taking the proffered paper.

"Dun dun dun dunnnnnn!

You got: mail!"

"Ha ha ha. Very funny, random text box. Let's see now…" he trailed off as he began to read the telegram.

And this was what the telegram said:

"Hey! Don't read my mail!" Ganon protested, whipping the telegram away from me.

Um… It's kinda necessary for the plot.

"Oh fine."

ANYWAYS, this is what the telegram said:

Deer sir,

You have been corduly invighted too the furst anual meting of Link Haters Anonymus. Pleeze come too the lost woods whenevr conveniunt. A representitive of Evul Miget Telugrahms wil gyde you to hour hideout. Bring a frend if you wahnt.

Sinseerly,

Princes Zelda

"Interesting…" Ganon said, trying to hide a smirk.

"Yeesh! She's got pretty bad spelling for a princess!" remarked captain obvious- I mean, Mido…who is now scowling darkly at me.

"I suspect she's used to dictating to other people who write for her," Ganon explained. "Hey, quit reading my mail!"

Mido jumped and made a small "eep" sound, dropping a stack of letters in the process. "He made me do it!" he cried, pointing an accusatory finger at the midget.

The midget glared at him.

Ganon also glared at him.

Mido looked around shifty eyed. "Er…don't you have a meeting to go to?"

"Oh, I don't think I'll go."

"What? Why not? I'd leap at the chance of joining such a club!"

Ganon smirked at the ebullient Kokiri. "I don't doubt that." He said, "But, as much as I hate Link, I hate Zelda infinitely more."

"Oh? How come?"

"Put yourself in my shoes. Now who would you despise more, the mastermind who came up with the scheme for your imprisonment, or the stupid pawn who carried it out?"

"Good point."

"I'm not stupid!"

"Yes you ar- wait, Link?! What are you doing here?"

"Well…"

Flashback Time!!

"Truth or dare?" asked Link.

"Truth!" Saria said instantly.

"Alright…is it true that if Kokiri leave the forest, they die?" Link asked.

"Nope! It was all a ploy of Microsoft to isolate them from the outside world and make them dependant on the internet for news and social interaction!"

Link raised an eyebrow.

"What? It's the truth!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiight. Er, my turn then?"

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare!"

"I dare you to throttle Nabooru like a dead sparrow!"

Link rolled his eyes, "Still think it's possible to get her attention, eh?"

"Never lose hope!" she encouraged.

"Right…"

With that, Link walked over to Nabooru, who was sopping wet with a chicken on her head and various objects poking out of her clothes thanks to Saria's dares. He grasped her neck and throttled her, making the chicken fall off and three bobble dolls fall out her pants. To his surprise, Nabooru actually reacted.

"AH! I'm being attacked by the happy mask salesman!" she shrieked.

"I'll save you!" Skullkid promised, promptly tackling Link, who fell down with a "Gak!!"

Saria watched from her safety in the…wherever she was through the communicator in the bobble head doll, and snickered.

Nab then made a startling observation. "Wait a tic! Link?"

"…hi…" s/he said weakly, winded from Skullkid's tackle.

"Gah! The Happy mask salesman must have possessed him through that mask! Run away!" Nab cried, running in circles.

Link raised an eyebrow.

"Uh…." Skullkid said, staring.

"Nabooru, sometimes I worry about you." Said Saria.

"Huh? Where's that voice coming from?" skullkid tracked it to the doll, which he picked up. "Hey, where'd its head-" He said as he turned it over, then stopped abruptly as he looked down the neck.

Saria's eye blinked.

Skullkid stared.

"Skullkid?"

Skullkid stared some more.

"Not again…snap out of it, Skullkid!"

And still he stared.

Saria sighed in exasperation. "This is getting old, people" she muttered.

Skullkid snapped out of it and turned to Nab. "Nabooru, why do you have discombobulated body parts in your doll?"

"What?!" she snatched the doll from him and looked down the neck. "Oh, hi Saria."

"Yo."

"S'up?"

"Meeting at the Sacred Forest Meadow."

"Right. I'm on my way."

"Good luck, agent spirit. This message will self destruct in five seconds."

Link's eyes widened.

"5…"

Skullkid stared.

"4…"

Nab stared.

"3…"

"Uh, should we, like, do something?" ventured Skullkid.

"2…"

"Nah, she's probably just joking." Nab said uncertainly.

"1…"

"Right?"

End flashback!!

"Well, that explains why you're all smoking." Ganon remarked.

Nab coughed, disturbing some of the soot that covered her head to toe.

"But there is still one question that you have failed to answer." Ganon said ominously.

"And that is?"

"Why does that midget keep throwing fish at me?!"

The midget giggled madly as it threw another fish.

Link raised an eyebrow.

"Speaking of fish, did you ever get your swordfish back from Zelda?" Nab asked.

Ganon slapped his forehead, "I completely forgot about that! Oh well, I suppose going to this meeting thing is necessary if I'm to retrieve my swordfish. Hey Mido, wanna come with?"

"Huh?"

"It says: 'bring a friend if you want to'"

Actually, it says: "Bring a frend if you wahnt"

Ganon did not appreciated my correction, as he rolled his eyes at me. "Right. We get the point. So, what do you say?"

Mido, who had gone starry-eyed, jumped up and down excitedly. "Are you kidding?! Let's go!"

Meanwhile, back with Link and company…

"Um… We're standing right next to them, you know." Link pointed out.

…..Shaddup.

"Why IS that midget throwing fish at him?" Skullkid wondered.

"In honor of the magnificent Tick! (really old cartoon show. Don't ask)" The midget replied.

Skullkid raised an eyebrow.

Midget threw a dead fish at skullkid.

Skullkid got nailed in the face with it.

The fish stuck to Skullkid's face.

Ganon snickered.

Midget threw more fish at Ganon.

Ganon glared at him.

Midget giggled.

The fish did the hula.

Skullkid wondered how a dead fish could do the hula while stuck to his face.

Mido wondered why a dead fish would do the hula while stuck to Skullkid's face.

Nab wondered where the dead fish had acquired a hula skirt to fit a fish.

Link wondered why no one had spoken for over 10 lines.

Ganon wondered why everyone was just standing around blinking.

Nab blinked.

Link realized he couldn't stand the silence much longer.

Skullkid peeled the hula dancing dead fish off his face.

The fish realized it was dead and stopped moving.

Nab stared at the limp, dead fish.

The readers wondered when the author was going to get on with the frickin' story.

The author wondered how long she could get away with this.

Link lost his mind.

Mido realized that midgets who throw fish can not be dipwads, and therefore the telegram for the King of Evil must have been offered to him because he really is the King of Evil.

Link started looking for his lost mind.

Mido plotted to steal the triforce and take over the world, then eat cake. Because cake is good.

Link found his mind.

Link's mind wondered what the f-ck the author was on.

The Author realized that she was on a chair.

Ganon wondered how the midget could possibly mistake Mido for the King of Evil.

Mido realized that no one could mistake him for the King of Evil unless he really was the King of Evil.

Ganon wondered where the logic was in that.

Mido remembered that Ganon was psychic, but wondered why he knew what Ganon was thinking.

Ganon realized Mido was psychic.

Zelda wondered what was taking so long for the King of Evil to show up.

Everyone else remembered what it was they were supposed to be doing.

Everyone else ran off to do it.

Zelda wondered how everyone else could do it at a time like this.

Everyone else marveled at the twistedness of Zelda's mind.

The readers marveled at the twistedness of the author's mind.

The Author plotted to remove all dialogue from the next chapter.

The readers shuddered at the twistedness of the author's mind.

The Author decided to end this chapter.

The chapter ended.

The Author thanked the readers.

The readers reviewed.


	7. Gasp! Plot Development!

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to me."

Nintendo's lawyers lurked up behind the disclaimer and cleared their throats loudly.

Disclaimer: O.O;; "I mean Nintendo! It all belongs to Nintendo! I don't own a thing!"

WE INTERUPT THIS FAN FICTION FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

We see the entire cast of Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time in a big group with the main characters out in front.

"HAPPY NEW YEARS!!" announces the cast as they all swig shots of whiskey, then all double over and start coughing and spluttering.

"Hey…..aren't some of you underage?" the Author asks suspiciously.

"Don't worry, we didn't all drink." Link reassures her.

"Oh, ok."

Saria chuckles under her breath, "Heh heh heh… Sucker…"

'Whack!'

"Ahem."

"Yeah yeah, we know it's your laugh." Saria rolls her eyes, then watches as Ganon puts windmill guy back down. "You really miss your swordfish, don't you?"

Ganon sighs. "Yeah. It's just not the same without a swordfish to smack people with."

"What's whiskey like, anyway?" asks Link, who, being the goody two-shoes he is, did not drink.

"It's exactly like drinking a shot of nail polish remover while being kicked in the chest by a horse." (That's an exact quote from my older sister) Ganon replies.

"How do you know what nail polish remover tastes like?" Zelda turns to him questioningly.

Ganon sneers. "From the smell, fool."

The author turns to the readers with a cheesy smile. "This New Years announcement was brought to you by: Jack Daniels! When you feel like being kicked in the chest by a horse, save yourself the trouble of healing those broken ribs and grab a shot of Jack Daniels instead! Note: RebelX does not own and is not actually sponsored by Jack Daniels. Please don't sue."

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED FANFICTION

Author's note: "I would just like to point out that I wrote this directly after finishing a semester of speech class, so there's a lot of mentions of parliamentary procedure and confusing junk like that. Just FYI."

Chapter 7: Gasp! Plot Development!

Today's chapter begins in the sacred forest meadow, where the sages are just beginning their meeting. Saria stands up from her tree stump with a clipboard and pencil at the ready.

"Roll call! Darunia?" she calls.

"Here!"

"Nabooru?"

"I'm here"

"Impa?"

"Present"

"Rauru?"

"Yo-ho!"

Everyone stopped whatever they were doing (nothing, actually) and stared at Rauru.

Rauru looked around at them all. "What?"

"Yo-ho?" Link asked.

Darunia, who was dancing like a maniac thanks to Saria's song, gasped and cried: "What weighs five ounces, lives in a tree, and is very dangerous?"

"A sparrow with a machine gun!" Rauru roared in response.

"Yes!" Darunia paused from dancing and gave Rauru a high five.

Link looked back from one to the other in confusion. "Er…"

"It's one of the Riddler's riddles in the old 60's batman movie, in which all the main villains answer each other with 'yo-ho' instead of 'yes'. We can only presume that RebelX has been watching it again." Impa explained.

"Can we get this meeting started or what?" Saria snapped with all the impatience of youth.

"I believe that with Zelda gone, we are in need of a new chairman" Impa suggested.

"Who was your chairman before you knew Zelda was a sage?" Link asked.

"Sheik."

"Oh….."

Darunia, who was still dancing like a maniac, had a sudden idea. "I nominate Saria!"

"But I'm the treasurer!" she protested.

"Do we really need a treasurer?" Nab pointed out.

"Oh, fine. I'll be chairman." She said, then cleared her throat and announced loudly, "This meeting of the Royal Order of Sage peoples will now come to order. Will the secretary please read the minutes of the last meeting?"

Nab stood and cleared her throat. "Last meeting, we discussed the importance of nacho cheese. We passed the move that Darunia be made to wear a ballet skirt whenever he dances during our meetings. We also decided to oust the evil king Ganondorf from the throne and opted to have Zelda give Link the light arrow in the temple of time as soon as he finished freeing the sage of shadow."

"Uh…..when was the last time you guys had a meeting?" Link asked.

"Obviously before you defeated the shadow temple. Alright, does anyone have any corrections and or additions to the minutes?" Saria said.

Darunia broke off from his dancing to declare, "You forgot to mention the chocolate pudding vs. Martian tapioca discussion!

Link raised an eyebrow.

"Do we really need that?" Rauru queried.

"No. The minutes stand as read. Will the special committee now report?"

"We dissolved that. They already imprisoned Ganondorf." Said Nab.

"But he's free again now." Rauru said with a pointed glare in Link's direction, "Perhaps we should reinstate it."

"I'm standing right here, you know." Ganon pointed out.

"Question, why ARE we here?" asked Mido.

"Because the midget ran off before it could lead us to Zelda's meeting." answered Skullkid.

"Oh yeah."

Saria pounded the deku gavel with a command of "Order!"

"I'll have the deku chicken nuggets and a small fry!" said Skullkid.

"One large pizza with everything!" said Mido.

"Anything to drink?" Saria asked.

"Coke!" they answered simultaneously.

"You got that, Nabooru?"

Nab scribbled hastily in her notebook. "What did the midget want?"

Mido scowled.

"Which one?" asked Saria.

Now both Mido and Skullkid scowled.

"Aren't we supposed to have refreshments AFTER the meeting?" said Impa.

"Oh, right! Uh, standing committee! Report!"

Nab stood up again. "As it stands now, Link has been trapped inside a gerudo body, Zelda has gone completely berserk, and Ganon is making faces at me."

"I am NOT!"

"You are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"D2?" asked C3PO hopefully.

"Order!" Saria commanded.

"We already did!" shouted Mido and Skullkid.

Ganon rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead. No wonder it took these freaks seven years to get him off the throne!

"Any old business?"

"What about Ganondorf?" Rauru asked, ignoring Ganon's immediately ensuing glare in his direction.

"Sorry, that's new business. Any more old business? Anything at-"

"Get on with it!" screamed a random hoard of Vikings.

"New business?"

"Now about Ganondorf!" Rauru snapped.

"Too late, that's old business already."

"What is this, the Marx brothers?" Rauru had barely finished his question when Harpo Marx ran by honking a horn. "…I'll pretend I didn't see that." He said.

"Any more new business?"

"What about me?" asked Link.

"Well, what about you?"

"I'm trapped in a gerudo's body!"

"Well that's very interesting, but I don't see how-"

"One moment, chairman." Impa broke in. she leaned over and whispered something in Link's ear.

"Er…..ok, I move that we form a committee to investigate my being stuck in a gerudo's body." Link rephrased.

"I second the motion!" Impa said.

"Wait, is Link even a member?" Darunia asked.

"Do we really give a damn?" Saria pointed out.

"Good point."

"The topic has been moved and seconded. It is now open for debate."

"What would this committee do exactly? Dissect you or something?" Rauru asked.

"No! Of course not!" Link immediately protested. "They'd figure out how transformation masks work and how their magic can be undone."

"Who'd be on this committee?" Darunia asked.

"I don't know. Any volunteers?"

"I'll do it!" piped up Skullkid as he jumped out of his chair in a priceless exhibition of his over eagerness.

"Anyone else?"

Skullkid scowled and plopped back in his chair dejectedly.

"Dude, cheer up! They just need someone else to volunteer because there has to be more than one person on a committee." Mido said with an encouraging elbow to the ribs. Unfortunately he hit Skullkid a little too hard and accidentally knocked him off his stump. "Oops…heh heh, sorry."

"S'okay." Skullkid wheezed as he climbed back up on the makeshift chair. "Thanks for reminding me. My parliamentary procedure is a little rusty."

"What I want to know is how you learned parliamentary procedure in the first place." Ganon said.

"Aren't we getting off topic?" Impa scolded.

"I'm still waiting for more volunteers for this committee." Link replied.

'Crickets chirping'

Link scowled.

"Oh, what the hell. I'll do it." Nab reluctantly volunteered.

"Thank you, Nabooru" Link smiled gratefully.

"Well, I wouldn't want you spoiling the good gerudo name anyways."

That wiped the smile off his face.

Darunia cocked an eyebrow at her. "'Good'?"

"…..Shaddup"

"That's all the discussion we need, right?" Rauru said, anxious to move on.

"I call the question." Said Darunia.

Link blinked. "What the heck does that mean?"

"That means we're going to vote on it now." Impa whispered.

"Oh! Does it need to be seconded?"

"Yes."

"Then I second!"

"Very well, the question will now be voted on. If it passes, then we will form a committee to investigate Link's being trapped in a gerudo body."

"All in favor?" Nab called.

"Yay!" hailed a chorus of voices.

"1,2,3,4,5,6." She counted, scribbling a note in her notebook. "All oppose?"

"Nay!" said Mido.

"Er…..1. The motion passes!"

Mido turned to Ganon. "Hey, why did you vote yay?" he asked. "I thought you hated Link."

"Well I do. But I voted yay for basically the same reason Nabooru wanted to join the committee in the first place."

Link scowled darkly. You could see a vein ticking in his/her forehead.

"Alright, we're forming a committee. Er…anyone remember the parliamentary procedure on that?"

"Nope." said the rest of the sages.

"Don't look at me. I have no idea what you're talking about." Link said.

Saria sighed. "Well, in the discussion we decided that Nabooru and Skullkid would do it, so I guess you guys are it. Ok, any more new business?"

I move that we do something about the scarecrows invading Lake Hylia.

"Huh? The narrator can't make motions!" Saria protested.

I know, but I haven't said anything the entire chapter. Well, I mean in the script version I didn't say anything for the whole chapter. Until now. So I guess this joke is kind of moot.

"Which begs the question: why did the author leave it in?" Ganon asked. He knows he's RebelX's favorite, so he does daring things like that.

"Because I'm lazy! Deal with it!" The author snapped.

Saria rolled her eyes.

"Wait, what was that about the scarecrows?" Skullkid asked.

They're invading Lake Hylia.

"Really?"

"Well we wouldn't know anything about it, since the representative for that area is dead now." Rauru said with a glower.

Link whistled innocently while the sages all glared in his direction.

"I move that we form a committee to investigate the situation!" Darunia announced.

"I second!" Link piped up. He liked seconding things, it made him feel important.

"The question has been moved and seconded. It is now open for discussion."

"Are the people who move to form a committee allowed to join their committee?" Darunia asked.

"I don't know. We never went over committees much when we were learning." Said Rauru.

"Who taught all you guys parliamentary procedure, anyway?" Ganon asked, since his question hadn't really been answered the first time.

"Zelda." All the sages said instantly.

"I see….."

"Stay on topic, people." Reprimanded Impa.

"Well, I guess we'll just form this committee the way we did the last one."

"You mean with people volunteering to join it during the discussion?"

"Exactly."

"Alright. So who would be on this committee and what would it do?" asked Rauru.

"Well I'd be on it, for one, and obviously it would go see what's up in Lake Hylia and Zora's domain." Said Darunia.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Link.

"What do you mean?" Darunia puzzled.

"Darunia, you're a goron. Gorons can not swim." Impa reminded him.

"Ooh, right….."

"Besides, what if the committee discovered that scarecrows were indeed invading Lake Hylia? Would they fight the scarecrows, or what?" Link asked. S/he was still a little angry about his/her current predicament, and felt like beating the sh-t out of something.

"I'd think they'd do some spying and figure out the scarecrow's motives and/or plans." Impa said, quickly deflating Link's daydreams of beating scarecrows.

"I agree."

"And if their discoveries revealed a threat to Zora's domain and or the rest of Hyrule, then would they go fight the scarecrows?" Link continued hopefully. He really wanted to beat up some scarecrows.

"Well obviously they'd gauge the threat, warn the party(s) involved, and figure out what else can be done about it." Impa said sagely. A natural thing, considering she's a sage and all. Ha ha, get it? Get it? …I'll shut up now.

"Once they've done all that, then can they go fight the scarecrows?" Link pressed on. Heavens knows why he wanted to beat up those scarecrows so badly. Maybe they traumatized him as a kid or something.

"If the situation suggests it's suitable…"

Link didn't even let Impa finish before blurting out "Ok! I'm on the committee then. Since I kind of didn't join my own committee, and all."

"I, too, will join." Rauru said.

"Anyone else?" Saria asked.

'silence'

"Very well, then I call the question." Said Impa.

Mido handed her a phone.

"Very funny, Mido." Impa said.

"Bah, we were being far too serious."

"Yes, Goddesses forbid THAT continue." Ganon said with so much sarcasm that Nab almost had to get out the bucket again.

"Hey, how come you guys don't contribute much in the actual discussion?" Link asked. He liked contributing to this sage meeting stuff. It helped wave away his feeling of being a mindless puppet.

"Eh, we're really just here for comic relief. Do you want us to contribute more?" Skullkid asked.

"If you don't, this won't be a very humorous fic." Link pointed out.

"Helloooo, is anybody going to second?" Impa interrupted.

"No, no, you have to hold it like this." Mido said as he showed her how to hold the phone correctly. "There, NOW try talking."

Impa made a face at him. Then her eyes suddenly went wide as she turned slowly and looked at the phone. Everyone else present stared at Impa as she stared at the phone, wondering what was going on. Naturally, they could not hear the rather fishy voice on the other end.

"What is it, Impa?" asked Mido.

Impa put the phone back to her ear and said "Who is this?"

Impa's eyes widened as she listened, dumbfounding the others.

"Wait, does that phone actually work?" Link asked.

"Hang on, isn't this video game set in the middle ages? We shouldn't even have telephones!" Ganon, ever the voice of reason (snicker), pointed out.

"You know, I don't remember whether that phone still works or not."

Impa then set the phone on speaker phone and said "Could you repeat that, please?"

"It is I, bzztRuto!"

There was a series of loud thumps as the jaws of everyone present hit the floor.

Link, who recovered first, cried out "Impossible! You're dead! I killed you!"

The sages all glared at him.

"Accidentally!" he added.

"Fool! That was my sister, the wicked fish of the east! I am the wicked fish of the west. And I called to tell you, you'll never defeat my army of dancing scarecrows! Lake Hylia- nay, ALL of Hyrule- Will be MINE!! YEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEHEH! (need I explain whose laugh that is an interpretation of? .- )"

'Wicked witch's theme from the Wizard of Oz plays'

There was a soft 'click' from the phone, followed by a dial tone.

Impa hung up the phone. "New motion; I move that we go kick Ruto's ass!"

Everyone else then simultaneously shouted "Second!"

The Author, however, was too caught up with the witch's theme to notice that the chapter was over.

"Ganondorf, if you'd do the honors." Link offered.

"Heh heh heh….."

'Whack!'

"OW! What the- …..let me guess, Saria?"

Ganon simply grinned evilly as he sheathed his new deku swordfish.

A/N: "Well, Happy New year everybody!" the author paused and activated her trademark puppy dog eyes, "Pweeze review!"

"Will you stop that?!" Link snapped.

"Stop what?" she asked innocently, turning the deadly puppy dog eyes on him.

Link got all starry eyed as he began muttering "So…..cute…..must…..review….."

The author grinned evilly as she turned back to the readers, "Anyway, you may have noticed the happy new years thing at the beginning of the chapter. Well I should have you know that I wrote that in when I wrote this _in script format_, meaning it's been exactly a year since I last posted this chapter. Holy cr-p, huh? Just goes to show how slow I am between updates. This realization, coupled with Christmas break, is what inspired me to update like mad the past few days (I did at least three chapters since Monday. Three!! And that's not counting chapter 5!). Will this trend continue? Your reviews may or may not decide… (Reading reviews gets me all hyped up to work on this story, just so you know. Wink wink, nudge nudge, puppy dog eyes) Happy New Years everyone!


	8. The Groups Seperate

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to him!" proclaimed the disclaimer, pointing to a random tree.

Nintendo's lawyers cocked their eyebrows.

A man behind tree chuckled under his breath, "heh heh heh…..suckers!"

"Get him, boys!" Ganon roared.

Nintendo's lawyers attacked.

Disclaimer whistled innocently.

A/N: "Ok, don't usually do shout-outs or anything, but I just have to say this. Can this story get any more stupid? Yes, PsychoSpiff01, yes it can" The Author cackles evilly. "Now, on to the chapter!"

Chapter 8: The Groups Separate

Post A/N: "Well, the title is kind of self-explanatory, but in this chapter the committees go off and do their thing. Group 1 is Skullkid and Nabooru (the special committee made to investigate transform masks) Group 2 is Link, Darunia, and Rauru (the special committee made to investigate Ruto's invasion of Lake Hylia) And Group 3 is Saria, Impa, Mido and Ganondorf (everyone who isn't in a special committee). The word GROUP followed by a number signifies a change in POV to the group specified by that number.

GROUP1

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" asked Nab, eyeing the Skullkid doubtfully.

"Of course! I know the way to Termina like the back of my hand."

"Really."

"Mmm-hmm."

"Then how come we've passed this exact same tree about five times now?" she pointed to a peculiar looking tree with moss growing into the likeness of Elvis Presley. It later sold on E-bay for 17,000 $.

"Aw, son of a…" Skullkid cursed, realizing they were lost.

GROUP2

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"NO, DAMMIT!!" Link roared, finally silencing Darunia. They had barely continued in silence for five seconds when Rauru piped up.

"Can we take a break? I'm hungry!"

"You just ate fifteen minutes ago!"

"But now I'm hungry again!"

"Well too bad! We're not stopping!"

Darunia was inclined to disagree with him, as he then stopped walking. "My feet hurt."

Link's eye twitched.

Rauru also stopped walking. "I'm hungry"

"Oh, c'mon!"

"I'm not moving another inch until I've had a good ten minute break" Darunia said, and sat down.

"And I won't go another step until I've had some food" Rauru said, also sitting down.

"We aren't even out of the sacred forest meadow yet!"

GROUP3

"So…what do we do while we're waiting?" Impa asked.

"Why don't we go get Link's umbrella back?" Saria suggested.

Mido blinked, and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" asked Saria.

"How do you know about that?" inquired Ganon as he turned to Saria.

"Well….."

Flashback Time!!

Some Random Great Fairy held out her hands to the forest sage as she announced: "I now present you with one of the coveted narrator's balls!"

Saria's eyeballs widened.

"Er…..it's not what it sounds like."

"Right….."

"Anyways, this narrator's ball will allow you to utilize the seeing powers of the narrator. With this magic sphere, you will be able to see whatever you want. Just say the name of the person or place and it will show you what is happening in that person or place."

"Don't you mean in OR around? I mean, if you say the name of a person, it won't show the insides of that person, will it?"

"Actually, it will."

Saria stared.

"Of course, if you want to watch what is going on around a certain person you have to speak the name of the place that person is in."

"So if you don't know where that person is….."

"You're screwed."

End flashback!!

"Well, that explains why the narrator was having problems because they couldn't find Zelda" Ganon remarked.

"So, who wants to go get Link's umbrella back?" Saria polled.

"Do you know where it is?" asked Impa.

"Yup! I was just watching Nabooru and Skullkid when I spotted Kirby floating around nearby."

"…Kirby?" Mido dared to ask.

"It's a Looooooong story"

Group1

"Great! Now we're completely lost!" Nab snapped.

"CURSE YOU KIRBY!!" Skullkid roared, raising his fists to the sky.

Kirby's evil laugh echoed through the forest around them.

"A-ha! He went that way!" Skullkid said, tracking the source of the voice.

"Don't go chasing after him again! You'll just get us even more lost!" she shouted, before muttering "If that's possible….." under her breath.

"Aw, c'mon! If we can get back that umbrella, than at least we'll have something to show for our being hopelessly lost!"

And before she could stop him, the little Skullkid ran off in pursuit of the maniacal…..um…..whatever the hell Kirby is.

"Dammit!" Nab cursed, chasing after him.

"A-ha! I'm catching up to you you little-"

But then suddenly the Skullkid ran into a bar.

'Kong!'

"Ow!"

Apparently Kirby at least knew to duck.

"Oh shut up!"

I snickered.

"What the heck? What's this bar doing sticking out of this tree?" Nab queried.

"Maybe the tree's having an-"

'SLAP!'

"You sicko! Keep it PG13!!"

"Sorry!"

"Hey, something fell off it when you ran into it."

"Ooh, it's white-"

'SLAP!'

"Ow! I'm just stating the obvious!!"

The gerudo simply scowled at him as she bent over and picked up the white object.

Nab examined the white object, "It appears to be a banner of some sort."

"What's it say?" asked Skullkid.

Nab read it aloud: "Evil Hideout of Link Haters Anonymous

- This Way"

"Cool! Now we can go to that meeting!" Skullkid exclaimed happily, punching the air for joy.

"But we have to get to Termina!

"Well…..maybe someone there can give us directions"

"Hmm. I guess you're right. Let's go"

"Heh heh heh…..sucker!" Skullkid thought.

Group3

Ganon shuddered.

"What is it?" Mido asked.

"Evil laugh copying senses tingling!"

Mido raised an eyebrow, "Riiiiiiiiiight."

Group2

"Wait a minute!" Link gasped.

"What?" Darunia looked questioningly up at him.

"Why are we walking? We can warp to Lake Hylia!"

"Oh yeah huh."

A random passing deku scrub rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead.

After briefly wondering where the random deku scrub came from, Link took out his precious-

"My…..precious….."

O.O um…..anyways he took out his ocarina and played the Serenade of Water, vanishing in a whirl of blue light. The sages meanwhile transformed into balls of light and quickly departed in the direction of Lake Hyli-

"Wait a minute! The sages are heading for the mountains!" the random deku scrub cried, pointing.

Oh dear…..

A/N: "Well, that's it for today. I know it's short, and confusing, but I'm too lazy to completely rewrite the whole thing. Well, I'll try to crank out the next one even faster, and make it longer and funnier at the same time-"

"There is no try. Do, or do not." instructed Yoda.

"Er…..right. Well thank you everyone for reading and in some cases reviewing, and don't forget to review!"

"There is no forgetting. Review, or review not."

"Uh, yeah….."


	9. In the Bowels

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo."

Nintendo's lawyers glared.

"What?! I said it right this time!"

"Sorry, force of habit."

Disclaimer scowled.

A/N: Ok, I totally renovated a couple big scenes in this and the next few chapters, so if anything doesn't really make sense (well…I mean, besides the random insanity) please let me know so I can fix it. Thanks!

Chapter 9: In the bowels…..

Our story today begins deep within the bowels of the wicked fish of the west. I mean, in her evil fortress, not in her bowels. Anyway; here there could be heard much moaning, and gnashing of teeth. These noises came from two of the sushi queen's foul minions, who were in the process of moving a large table to the banquet hall.

"Ung…..urk...…dang this is heavy….."

"Uhg…..shut up and kick open that door"

"Um…..how?"

"What do you mean how?"

"We don't have legs, remember?"

"Ooh, right….."

They were not necessarily the best candidates for the job however, seeing as both of them happened to be scarecrows.

"Um…..try bashing it in with your head"

"What?! No! You do it!"

"I can't! I'm no where near the door!"

The table was not only really heavy but also ridiculously long. How the two scarecrows managed to carry a table of its size is a mystery for the ages. The two scarecrows had made it thus far by hopping, and had been lucky that Ruto's fortress had very few doors.

"You know, I don't think I could kick this thing open even if I did have legs and feet, so I really don't see how ramming my head into it is going to help."

"Well, it'd be good for a laugh."

It was also one of those big, fancy ornate doors that usually open into a banquet hall or similar gathering place.

"Look, let's just set it down somewhere so we can get the door open."

"Okay," said the one minion, who's name was Ted. He then promptly dropped his side of the table.

"Not here you idiot!" screeched the other, who had a ridiculously long name no one remembered and was known only as Dee.

"We can't open the door with this in the way! Pick it up, you bum!"

"Hmph." Ted harrumphed, picking his side back up. "Well where should we put it then?"

"I don't know. We really don't want to scratch the brand new tile-"

"Too late."

Dee glared at him.  
Ted swallowed nervously and hastily changed topic. "Hey, why don't we set it on that? It doesn't look new."

He nodded to a strange upraised section of the floor. It was a pedestal made of stone, and very old. The symbol of the triforce overlaid with the symbol of the water medallion was carved into its surface (hint hint).

"Oh, that? Yeah that was on the island when we started. We just kind of built around it….."

"Why did she build the place in the middle of the lake, anyway?" Ted asked.

"A better question would be: why did she build around the tree?"

They glanced at a nearby tree, which looked very much out of place in the middle of the fortress.

"Can we just set this down now?"

"Ye- oh wait. Only one pair of legs will fit on the old pedestal."

"Well set the other pair on that weird green stone over there"

"What green stone?"

"That! The thing with the inscription about shooting at the sun!"

"Oh that. Ok"

And thus they hopped into position and heaved a sigh of relief as they set the heavy object down.

This done, the two minions hopped back over to the door.

"Damn that's big. Looks heavy, too. Think we'll be able to move it?"

"We won't know 'till we try" Dee said sagely.

"True"

And without further ado, Ted braced himself and pushed against the door with all his might. Dee, however, stood by and stared.

"Urg…..little help here!"

"Uh…..Ted?"

"What?!" the scarecrow snapped irritably.

"You have to unlock it first."

"…I knew that. I was just…..um…..aw Shaddup."

And so Ted and Dee reached up and hefted the huge wooden bar that served as a lock (I don't know what they're called) out of the way. Then Ted once again began pushing away at the door, which still would not budge.

Dee sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Ted?"

"Now what?!"

"That's a pull door."

"….."

"Ted?"

"Just…..just shut up."

Now finally both scarecrows grabbed the door handles and pulled for all they were worth. They were rewarded for their efforts as the doors moved. About two inches.

"Day-um! This thing weighs a ton!!"

"Urp….maybe we should both pull at the same-"

Before Dee could finish, he was interrupted by a sickly ripping sound, followed by a loud crash as Ted fell backwards onto the floor.

"Uh oh. Ted, you alright?" Dee asked, letting go of the door.

"DO I BLOODY LOOK ALRIGHT?!!"

Dee shuddered. Ted himself lay prostrate on the floor, but his arms were…..well…..still attached to the door.

"This is the worst pain ever!"

"Hoo boy. I better call a doctor or something."

"Screw the doctor! Get me a seamstress!"

(A/N: Seamstress: a woman whose occupation is sewing)

At that moment, two blue tektites scuttled into the room. They were carrying a tray with an enormous cake on their backs, and each wore a chef's hat.

"Hey! What's with the hold up?!" snapped the first.

"Yeah! You slackers ought to have that table in the dining hall by now!" chided the second.

"Ah, well you see, we have a slight problem here…" Dee began, pushing the brim of his hat back.

"And that is?"

"We can't get the door open"

"Oh, is that all? I thought one of you had been horribly mangled in a freak jelly bean related accident"

Dee cocked an eyebrow at the first tektite.

"Uh…hello? Maimed scarecrow in need of assistance here!" Ted reminded them.

"What? I was right?" asked tektite one.

"Actually, this wasn't jelly bean related"

Or was it?

'Twilight zone theme music plays'

An evil cackle could be heard as a jelly bean rolled out from under door.

Everyone but Tektite 1 stared at the jelly bean with wide eyes.

"Er…..let's just put this down for a second" suggested the second tektite.

The tektitan (I made that word up) chefs CAREFULLY hopped up to the table and slid the tray onto it. This done they hopped over to Ted and with Dee's help picked him up and carried him off to get fixed, conveniently forgetting to bring his arms–which were still grasping the door-with them. At this point I should mention that the chefs had placed the cake on the edge of the table directly above the stone pedestal with the mark of the triforce and water medallion on it, so I will. The chefs had placed the cake on the edge of the table directly above the stone pedestal with the mark of the triforce and water medallion on it. Not long after the group's departure a mystical blue light fell from the ceiling. It spiraled around the cake a few times, then disappeared. The cake suddenly seemed to bulge slightly, its middle appearing fatter than its bottom. Then it shook ever so slightly, and then (gasp) it spoke.

"What the hell?" a slightly muffled voice drifted through the layers of cake and frosting.

As you have undoubtedly guessed-if you are the intelligent reader I think you are-the cake was not actually speaking, but Link, who was in the cake, was. Needless to say he was very confused. He felt surrounded by something spongy, but all he could see was black. With difficulty, he carefully moved his arms up through the substance to his mouth, where he pushed the material away from his nose and mouth. Now that he could breath proper (lucky for him, it was a very light, airy sort of cake), he got to pondering where on earth he was. His senses (mainly of smell) determined that the stuff surrounding him smelled like cake. But how did he get inside a cake? Was it some sort of trap set by the wicked fish of the west? He was wondering what to do when he heard a voice. It had a familiar ring to it…..

"What on earth? What is this doing out here? Those lazy maggots! This was supposed to be in the dining hall by no-"

It paused.

"What the hell?"

He heard footsteps.

"Are these- arms?!"

His confusion- and eyes- grew.

"Jonny!!!"

Someone scuttled into the room.

"Yes miss?"

"Why are there disembodied arms grasping the door handle? I certainly didn't order them there for decoration."

"Why, I have absolutely no idea. I didn't put them there."

Someone sighed.

"Well, whatever. Did you get him?"

"Hmm? Oh! Yes, I gave him the note."

"Ah, and he fell into the trap?"

"I don't know."

"…What do you mean you don't know?"

The voice now possessed a fierce intensity, and Link could almost see its owner's scowl.

"Well, I uh- I didn't hang around to watch or anything."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I just gave him the note and left."

There was a pause.

"You…..you left….."

Another pause.

The one named Jonny's voice cracked slightly as they spoke again, "W-well, to be precise, I gave him the note, threw some fish at him, and then I…..l-left….."

More pausing. The tension was so thick you could cut it with the sharp edge of a rampaging monkey.

"You were supposed to _lead him into the trap_, you _idiot!!!_"

Someone, most likely Jonny, made a small 'gulp' sound.

"Now my beautiful plans will have to be put on hold until we find some other way to capture him!!"

Someone shuffled nervously.

There was another pause, and it lasted so long that Link began to wonder if they had left without him hearing them. Therefore he was quite startled when the voice shouted again, so much so that he jumped slightly…..

"Well?! What do you have to say for yourself?!"

"…Did…did that cake just move?"

"Wah-?"

He heard a noise that he interpreted as someone whipping around very quickly. Then there was another moment of silence. Link stood perfectly still, hardly daring to breath. He now knew for sure that he was in a cake, and more importantly that his movements made the cake around him move also.

"What are you talking about? It's not moving at all! You're just trying to change the subject!"

"But- but I truly honestly just saw it move!"

More silence. The owner of the voice seemed to turn around again.

"It's not moving."

It's cold tone made Link shiver involuntarily.

"It did it again!!"

"Oh, now you're just stalling!"

"I-I…but I..." Jonny sighed, "I'm sorry ma'am."

"That's more like it. Now go! I want Ganondorf as my prisoner by noon tomorrow!"

Link gasped. He'd had his suspicions when he'd listened to their prior conversation, but to hear outright that this mysterious voice was indeed after the King of Evil was still a shock. The cake muffled the small sound of the gasp itself, but unfortunately Link accidentally inhaled a small piece of cake, which stuck at the back of his windpipe. Naturally, this made him want to cough, but he held his mouth closed and tried to swallow it. No dice. It itched terribly, and his eyes began to water. His lips puckered in his effort to hold back the dreaded cough, but he needn't have bothered. Coughs always win in the end…..

Link coughed.

There was a pause.

" Now you _had_ to have seen _that_."

Another pause.

"The cake …did it...?"

"Yup."

More pause.

"Go call the chefs, will you?"

"I'll get them on my way out."

Footsteps left the room. Link waited, his heart pounding. Now what?

"Strange…first a pair of arms on the door, then the table and cake left here, and now the cake is moving? Nothing like this ever happened the first time I invaded Lake Hylia." He heard a sigh, "Oh well. I'm sure the chefs will be able to explain things."

There was silence for a good five minutes. It was finally broken by a series of loud thumps and scuttling noises, followed by voices.

"You called, milady?"

"Yes. First of all, I want to know what that pair of arms is doing attached to the doorhandle."

"Hmm…they don't seem to be doing anything at all, milady, just grasping the doorhandle."

Link rolled his eyes. There was a moment of silence, and Link could imagine the owner of the voice glaring at whoever had just spoken. Finally there was a sigh.

"Nevermind. More importantly, what is all this doing out here? It was supposed to be set up in the banquet hall hours ago! How are we supposed to celebrate my victory if everything's out here? Hmm?"

"I'm sorry, milady, but Ted accidentally broke his arms off trying to open the door and we had to carry him off to the infirmary. We had to put everything out here because we couldn't get the door open."

"Did you unlock it?"

"Yes."

"Did you pull, not push?"

"Yes."

"Did you ask it nicely?"

"Ye- wait, what?"

"Well how can you expect the door to let you open it if you don't ask it nicely first?"

"Um…"

"Door, would you mind if we opened you?"

She was answered by a loud grating sound which rang from the door, startling the hell out of poor Link.

"There. Now you can open it. So get this stuff into the dining hall this instant."

"Er…yes…um…milady?"

"Hmm?"

"Did the cake just move?"

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Is it supposed to be moving? I mean, you didn't stick a squirrel in it or something, did you?"

"Of course not!"

"Hmm…strange. Well hurry up and get this stuff into the dining hall. I'll get a couple scarecrows to help you.

"Yes milady."

Footsteps left the room. There was a moment of silence, and then the newer voice spoke again.

"Are…..are you alive?"

Oh dear. It was talking to him. Link didn't answer.

"This feels so silly, but…..can you talk?"

Well…..why not?

"Yup."

He heard it stumble back in surprise. Obviously it hadn't been expecting an answer.

"Er……hi." Link said

"Uh, hi"

"How are you?"

"I'm fine."

Pause.

"No I'm not. I'm talking to a frickin' cake!"

"….."

"Uh, I didn't mean to offend you or anything."

"….." It wasn't that he really was offended, he just didn't know what to say to that.

"Well um, we have to take you into the dining hall now. We'll uh, we'll try to be careful. Right, Stan?"

"…I can't believe you're talking to a cake."

"Oh shut up and help me carry it."

Link felt a jolt as the cake was slid of the table, then a series of small bumps as the two tektites (he couldn't see them , but it was the tektitan chefs who were carrying him) carried him into the dining hall. Finally they set him down with a thump. More footsteps and voices could be heard after they put him down.

"Alright, let's get this into the dining hall."

"You know, maybe we should have moved the table before the cake."

"Well it's not like we could have moved the table without you! I mean, we don't even have arms for pete's sake!"

"Well you could use the pair that's attached to the door over there."

"Ha ha, very funny."

"Poor Ted. That must have hurt."

"Yeah. Alright, on three. One…two…thre- urk! Holy crap this thing is heavy!!"

"Did you ask it if you could carry it?"

"What?"

"Just- just try it, trust me."

"Ok…table, can we carry you into the dining hall?"

Another loud grating sound answered him, and Link couldn't help jumping even though he'd been half expecting it.

"Oh wow, it's much lighter now."

"…did that cake in there just move?"

"Probably. Come on, we have to get everything set up before she gets back."

As Link sat still and listened to the sounds of them working, s/he tried to sort things out it his head. From what s/he had overheard, s/he now knew several things. One, someone had built a building of some kind in Lake Hylia, as the voices kept mentioning door and halls and tables and such. Two, the master of this place was a bossy female type. Three, they were having some sort of celebration. Four, she had been the one to send the midget and the phony telegram with information about the Link Haters' Club. Five, she was trying to capture the King of Evil. Six, she was either suicidal or very, very stupid. He inferred this after thinking about number five.

Time passed, as it has a habit of doing, and Link's legs began to grow tired from standing. S/He shifted around uncomfortably, resulting in a chorus of "Did that cake just move?" S/He rolled his eyes and tried to stand still. After a while, s/he finally decided "screw this" and just plowed his/her way out of the cake. You can imagine the surprise of everyone present when a gerudo burst out of their cake, looking irritated and a little confused. The gerudo hopped to the floor (someone had set the cake back on the table) and stared around at them all, as if uncertain of what to do next. Everyone in the room was now staring at Link (who was the gerudo, if you'll kindly remember the incident with the transform mask). Link cleared his/her throat nervously, and an idea popped into his/her head.

"Um…I take it this isn't the bachelor party?"

A/N: CLIFFHANGER!! …sort of…

"Argh!!" cried the readers as the Author laughed maniacally.


	10. Cliches galore!

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fic by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to-"

Nintendo's lawyers glared at the disclaimer.

"Will you at least let me finish?!"

"No."

"ThewizardofOzdoesn'tbelongtomeeither!"

Chapter 10: Clichés Galore!!

"What IS this place?"

"I don't know, but I don't like it. Let's get out of here."

In a rather unusual little clearing we find two of our heroes-

"That's HEROINE!!!" Nab corrected me heatedly.

"You mean the drug?" asked Skullkid.

Nab scowled at him.

Anyways. The two her- er, I mean- the hero and the heroine-

"Hey wait a minute! We can't be the hero- I mean, the hero and the heroine! We aren't even the main characters!"

SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH!!!!

"Ok ok, yeesh! What, is it that time of the month again?"

"Er…Skullkid?"

"What?"

"The narrator isn't female."

"Eh heh…oops" Skullkid sweat dropped as my eye began to twitch.

"Well, I just figured…since the author's a girl…" The infernal maggot's stuttering did nothing to ease the vein that ticked in my forehead.

"I'll shut up now." The idiot squeaked.

"Wise decision. Continue, oh kind and merciful narrator."

Screw you guys, I'm outta here.

'Step step step step'

'Slam!'

"Oh, great, now look what you've done!"

"What? What'd I do?"

"You called him a girl, you idiot!"

"Oh yeah huh…"

"Sigh…oh well. Guess we'll just have to go on without him."

"Right."

'crickets chirping'

"Emm…maybe we should start by telling the readers what's in this clearing."

" 'k. Well, there's a lot of grass- not that prickly plains type grass, but that really plush blue-green stuff that feels good to your bare feet- and then there's some funky little purple flowers that kind of look a lot like a guy's-"

"Skullkid!!!"

"What?"

"Can't you go five sentences without being sick and perverted?!"

"No."

"You know what? I think I'll do the narrating."

"You do that."

"In most aspects it was a perfectly normal clearing, with plush green grass and the occasional exotic flower-"

"I already told them that!"

"Shut up! Now where was I…ah yes, there was however one peculiar little oddity so prestigious that one was bound to notice it the instant one set sight on said clearing."

"Wow. You're pretty good at this."

"Yeah, I know. Stop interrupting me."

"Sorry."

"You did it again!"

"Sorry!"

"Just be quiet."

"Ok"

"….."

"Oh woops…sorry."

"…do you not see the vein ticking in my forehead?"

"I'm shutting up now. You can continue."

"Right then. This oddity lay in the fact that directly in the center of the clearing there was a small hill, on top of which sat an old Victorian mansion surrounded by a very localized rainstorm. All the grass on the hill was black and brown, quite a startling contrast to the vivid green surrounding it. Both house and hill were very small, almost the size of a doll house, but the detail was far too precise for this to be any abandoned child's toy."

"Hey, wait a minute! You're reading this off the script!"

"Uh- no I'm not!"

"Than what's that behind your back?"

"Bobble head doll."

"Oh. My mistake. Continue."

"Heh heh heh…sucker. The words are written on my hand!" (A/N: She's thinking this, just so you know. Damn this is hard without the narrator)

'rustle rustle crash!'

"That's- !!"

"We know, we know!!"

"Who should come crashing through the bushes then but a lost and disheveled Ganondorf, who was currently locked in a bitter struggle with a craggy deku bush, but with a last mighty tug managed to disentangle himself-"

'Thud!'

"-only to fall face first onto the floor of the clearing. "

"Nabooru, what the hell are you doing?"

"Narrating."

"Narrating? Where's the narrator?"

"He got mad because skullkid thought he was female, so he stormed off somewhere."

"The narrator's a man?"

"Am I the only one who realized that?!"

"Looks like it. How did you come to that conclusion, anyway?"

"I saw him at the Christmas party."

"Christmas-"

"-party?!"

"Uh oh…"

"Why were we not informed of this?!"

"Hmm…you know, now would be a great time for a distracting plot twist."

Suddenly the three of them were struck by lightning from the odd centralized storm and were electrocuted horribly.

"Hey! You're back!"

Yeah. Whoopee.

"Author got on your case, didn't she?"

-- shaddup. The world around them lurched suddenly, and before they knew it they were lost in a tornado of whirling colors.

"Woah. The colors, Duke, the colors!" Skullkid ranted.

"Who the hell is Duke?" Nab asked.

Ganon sighed. "Well this is just great. Now all we need is some green hag on a broomstick to fly by laughing maniacally."

No sooner had he said that when Kotake flew by upside down, ranting about cheese.

Ganon shrugged. "Close enough."

"I'm gonna die!! We're all gonna die! I'm gonna HURL, and then I'm gonna die!!" Skullkid screamed. (I forget where that's from, but a friend of mine quotes it constantly)

Nab rolled her eyes. "Drama queen."

"Anyone have any idea what's going on?"

"I don't know, but I have a feeling we're going to crash in a land of midgets and have to track down some batty old wizard to get us back home all the while being chased by an evil witch with a skin disease."

Ganon rolled his eyes. "I meant a serious idea."

"I know exactly where we're going!" Skullkid announced.

"Really? Where?"

"Some wheeeeeeeeere over the Raaaaaaaaaaaainbow!!!"

Ganon scowled darkly.

"I think he's lost it." Nab said.

"Skiiiiiiiiiiies are filled with angry monkeys!!!" Skullkid continued to sing loudly, sounding even more off-key than Link.

"Wouldn't that imply he once actually had it?" Ganon pointed out.

"Good point."

And so we leave the trio drifting in a whirl of color as we turn our attention to a certain cliffhanger left by the last chapter…

"A GERUDO??!!!!"

The tremendous voice shook the fortress, positively rattling it in its foundations.

"WHAT THE HELL IS A GERUDO DOING IN MY CAKE??!!"

Link whirled around to see a tall elegant Zora who easily could have been Ruto's twin striding angrily towards him.

"Uh- I-I'm not a gerudo!" Link protested weakly.

"Oh yeah? Well you sure do look like one to me!" She stopped in front of him, her ruby eyes narrowed.

"Listen, I'm not really a gerudo, I'm under a spell!"

The Zora rolled her eyes, "Oh, like I'm gonna believe that!"

"It's the truth! The Happy mask salesman gave me this gerudo mask and when I put it on, poof! I ended up looking like this!"

The Zora looked back at him, her features softening. "Hmm…that sounds like a transformation mask…well if that's what it is, then I can change you right back!"

"Really? How?"

In answer, the Zora grabbed the sides of his face and pulled.

"Owowowowow! What the hell do you think you're do-"

Suddenly there was a blue flash of light, and behold! Link was himself again!

"Yahoo! Now I'm a real boy!" He exclaimed, jumping into the air for joy.

The Zora raised an eyebrow.

"What?" He asked.

The Zora looked him up and down appraisingly. "Aren't you that kid my sister was obsessed with?"

"…sister? Wait, do you mean…Ruto? Are you Ruto's sister?"

Suddenly the Zora's eyes widened as she gripped the sides of her head and screeched. "Agh! Do not mention that name in my presence! She is a disgrace to me, I can't stand being related to her!"

"Ah, so you are the wicked fish of the west!"

"Aye, yes. I am. "

"Got a name?"

"But of course. I am-"

'thunder crash'

"WARUTO!!"

'more thunder crash, horse whinny'

"…..Waruto?"

"Yes."

"That's one of the stupidest names I've ever heard!"

Waruto blinked. "One of?"

Meanwhile, in the Mario dimension…..

"Waluigi get strange feeling joke being made at our-a expense!"

"Wario think Waluigi need medication"

"Waaaa!" Waluigi cried.

"Waaaa!" Baby Luigi cried.

Luigi sighed. "My alter-a egos make-a me sick!"

Back in Hyrule…

"Oh yeah? So what's your name then?"

"Link"

"Ha! See? That name's just as stupid as- wait…Link? …aren't you the guy that killed my sister?"

"Uh oh…" Link thought. "Er…" he said.

"Well? Are you or aren't you?"

Link gulped nervously and looked down at the floor. "Y-yeah"

Waruto dove at Link, and he braced himself for whatever sort of attack she was going to throw at him. He was surprised, however, when instead of punching or kicking Link, she crushed him in a mammoth hug.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank  
youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank  
youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank  
youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank  
youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank  
youthankyouthankyou thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank  
youthankyou!!!" 

"Can't…breath…gak!"

Waruto let go and jumped back, "Oh, sorry!"

Link leaned against the table, gasping for breath. "Never…do…that…again…"

"You know what? In honor of your great deed concerning my sister, I'm gonna give you a one time offer to join me and my forces of evil in our conquest of Hyrule!"

"Er…woot?"

"So, whaddaya say? Wanna join?"

"Hmm…I don't know…"

Meanwhile, in Link's subconscious…

A Link dressed in a white tunic with angel wings poking out of his back and a halo made out of tinsel sat on Link's right shoulder. "Now wait a second! You're not actually considering joining them, are you?"

A Link holding a red pitchfork who was dressed in a black tunic with red devil horns poking out of his hair and a pronged red tail coming out from his backside appeared on Link's left shoulder. "Oh, c'mon! Don't you wanna be on the fun side for once?"

"You're a hero! You have to be with the good guys!"

"You WERE a hero. Your future is yours to decide."

"Oh puh-leeze. You don't know the first thing about being evil! You wouldn't last five minutes as an evil minion."

"That sounds like a challenge! Come on, Link, let's prove to this sissy boy we can be just as evil the next guy!"

Link looked back and forth from one to the other. "Wait a second. Isn't this all just a little bit…cliché?"

"Er…"

Meanwhile, in the real world…

A random scarecrow leaned over and whispered in Waruto's ear: "How long as he stood there muttering to himself now?"

" 'bout five minutes" she replied casually.

Back in Link's subconscious…

"Okay, how about this. I join her for now-" Link began.

"WHAT?!" his good side shouted indignantly.

"Yes!" his evil side punched the air for joy.

"Will you let me finish?!" Link snapped.

'silence'

"Thank you. Ok, so I join her for now. That way I can see what it's like being evil, and if I decide to be good after all, I'll just sabotage her operations from within. If I like being evil, well…than I'm all set to go."

"Sounds good to me" said evil Link.

"I don't know…" Good Link muttered.

"Got a better idea?" Link asked.

"Well no…alright, fine."

Back in the real world…

"Alright, I've decided. I'll join you."

"Yayness!" Waruto jumped for joy.

"But there's just one little problem…"

"What's that?"

"Well…there is-"

"ME!!!" cried a mysterious evil disembodied voice.

Everyone present gasped.

"Great. More evil disembodied voices. Just what I needed." Link muttered.

In Link's subconscious-

"Hey! I resemble that remark!" snapped Evil Link.

In reality-

"Who are you? What do you want?"

"…Seven days…"

"Huh?"

"Er…I mean…never mind. I warn you, hero, you shall not live past midnight!"

"But…but you just said seven days!!"

"So?"

"Look, no creepy evil voice is going to threaten one of my minions and get away with it!" Waruto snapped threateningly.

"Heh…We shall see…"

'Thunder crash, woman scream'

"…I think it's gone now." Waruto ventured.

"No, I'm still here. The sound effects guy was just getting bored."

"Hey, I think I've figured out where the voice is coming from!" Link announced.

"Gotta go!" the voice said hurriedly, before exiting. At least I think it exited…

"Weird…" Waruto murmured. "So where was it coming from?"

"I dunno. I just said that to get rid of it."

Waruto snickered. "So what were you saying before we were rudely interrupted?"

"Well…I've never been evil before, and I'm not really sure how…"

"Say no more! I know exactly what you mean!"

"Really?"

"Yup. Tell you the truth, this is my first time being evil too."

"Really? You don't look it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean you're really dressed for the part."

Link had a point. Waruto was wearing a long black dress with a waterfall front, accented by purple earrings and purple eye shadow. She looked like a goth. Um...not to say that goths are evil, or anything...

"Hmm…so neither of us have any experience being evil. This could be a problem."

"Yeah…"

"Maybe we should hire an advisor or something. You know, someone to give us a few tips on being evil?"

"That's a great idea! I'll go put out an add right away!" Waruto said, and exited.

Link watched her go with misgivings. He had a strange feeling that the voice was still there, lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And now he was completely alone. Well, except for the hoards of random minions still setting up the dining hall, he was completely alone. Anyway, Link was getting pretty nervous. It was getting kinda dark outside, and it would probably start raining soon.

"Actually, there's a ninety-two percent chance this storm will swerve to the south and miss us entirely," corrected a random weather man.

'Thunder crash'

And then it did rain.

The random weather man's lip quivered as he sniffled. "Sometimes I think the weather just wants to spite me."

"Why does it always start raining here whenever I'm around?" Link wondered aloud.

"Oh not always. I remember seeing you come out of the water temple once, and it wasn't raining then," said a passing scarecrow.

"Yeah, it stopped after I defeated Morpha."

"Who?"

"The evil creature that took over the water temple during Ganon's reign."

"Weird. I wonder why it's started up again."

"Well, it all begins when water evaporates into the air…"

The scarecrow scowled at the weather man, then left to continue with his duties.

'shriiiiiik'

"…What was that?!"

Suddenly something flew through the air, grazing Link's shoulder.

"Wha-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed the random weather man.

'thunder crash'

"What? What's wrong?!" asked another scarecrow.

"Are you blind?! There's a frickin' knife in my chest!!!" the weather man screeched.

"Ooh…that's not good," said a tektite.

"No sh-t, Sherlock," Link said with a roll of his eyes.

"Should we like…do something?" asked yet another tektite. Quite a crowd was gathering around them now.

"Hmm…"

"Nah."

The random weather man pouted. "Aw gee, thanks guys." He then died.

"What was he doing here anyway?"

The random minions shrugged. "I dunno," said one.

"Better yet, what are you all doing here?"

"We're setting up for the big victory celebration!"

"Victory celebration? Cool. What victory are you celebrating?"

"Our conquest of Lake Hylia from the Zora!"

"…Isn't Waruto Zoran?"

"Yeah, but…it's complicated."

"Whatever. I'm going to go tell Waruto about the dead weatherman."

And with that he left the minions to their work.

A/N: And that's all for today, folks! . Thank you all for reading, and-

"REVIEW!!!!!!" Ganondorf commanded.

'Thunder crash, woman scream'


	11. Links Just Want to be Evil

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: Zelda and all related indicia are-

"Mine, all mine!!! Yeeheeheeheeheehee!!" Nintendo cackled evilly.

Disclaimer backs away slowly.

A/N: New Chapter! Yay! I don't have anything else to say! (hee hee, that rhymed) Read and review, dammit! And thank you in advance for doing so.

A note for all Wicked fans: I have never seen the musical "Wicked", nor read the book that inspired it, in fact I hadn't even heard of it when this story was originally written. As such, my Wicked Witch of the West is based entirely upon the _Wizard of Oz_ movie and my own crazy conjecture. Please to be not burning me at the stake for this.

Chapter 11: Links Just Want to Be Evil

Ganondorf groaned. His head reeled. They had fallen for what felt like hours through a whirl of nonsensical color before blacking out. Now he lay there on what felt like firm ground with his eyes squeezed shut. He dared not open them for fear that it would send him reeling again. A twig snapped nearby, and his eyes sprang open. The happy mask salesman's face swam into view above him. Their faces were so close together that their noses almost touched. Needless to say, the king of evil was quite startled.

"Aagh!!"

"Aah!"

"Aagh! "

"Aah!"

"Aagh!"

"Aah!"

"Will you two shut UP?!" Nab snapped.

"Never!" they cried in unison, before returning to their screaming contest.

Nab grimaced and massaged her forehead, trying to ignore her pounding headache.

"Aagh!"

"Aah!"

"Aagh!"

"Aah!"

"Aagh!"

"Aah!"

"Aagh!"

"Can I kill them now?" she pleaded.

"Nah, we may need him," Skullkid pointed out.

"d'oh…" Nab pouted.

Ganon looked over at Nab. "What was that about killing?"

"Let's just say we're getting REALLY annoyed with your screaming contest over there," Skullkid informed him.

"HE started it!" HMS cried, pointing an accusatory finger at Ganondorf.

"Well, you startled me! How would YOU like to wake up to MY face hovering a few inches above you?"

"Oh, I wouldn't mind…" Nab muttered under her breath without thinking.

Skullkid overheard Nab's mutter and balked, giving her an odd look.

"What?" Nab asked, blinking innocently.

Ganon turned to the HMS. "What did you think you were doing, anyway?"

"Researching!" HMS exclaimed with his usual over abundance of enthusiasm.

Ganon raised an eyebrow.

"What?" HMS asked.

"I thought you already made a gerudo mask" Nab said.

"Well yes, but that was a female one."

"I see…"

"So anyway, where are we, how did we get here, when did we stop spinning, what is the meaning of life, and why is there a chipmunk in my pants?" Skullkid asked.

Everyone else did a double take at that last question.

"Um…I mean…and why is the mask dude here? Yeah, that's what I meant to ask, yeah."

"Wait a minute…you're not wearing pants!" Nab exclaimed.

"I never said I was wearing pants. I just said there was a chipmunk in them."

"If you're not wearing your pants, how do you know there's a chipmunk in them?"

"Simple. My pants are in my hat, and the chipmunk is in my pants. "

"Wait…so that means the chipmunk is in your hat?"

"Well yeah…"

"Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

"Where's the fun in that?"

Everyone but Skullkid did a face fault.

Skullkid smiled happily.

"Enough of this nonsense. Where are we?" Ganon asked.

"Uh, guys? You remember that funky little house in the center of the clearing?" Nab began nervously.

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Eh-heh…it's…not so little anymore…" she said, pointing.

Everyone turned and looked.

Nabooru's words rang true, for there before them rose a great hill, the mansion at its crest. Thunder crashed as the lightning forked through the black sky above, illuminating the eerie scene. All were struck speechless. Well, almost all.

"Heh heh heh. Welcome to my humble abode." HMS chuckled and bowed.

Ganon glared at him.

"What?"

"You used his laugh." Nab informed HMS.

"So?"

Ganon's eye twitched.

"Er…come inside, won't you?" The HMS laughed nervously.

Ganon continued to glare daggers at him.

"…this way!" He directed, running off in the direction of the mansion.

"Should we follow him?"

Wordlessly Ganon drew his deku swordfish and ran after HMS.

"…I'll take that as a 'yes'." Nab remarked, following him.

"What IS it with that guy and his laugh?" Skullkid wondered aloud.

"Don't ask me." Replied the pants-in-hat-dwelling-Chipmunk.

Skullkid shrugged and chased after the others.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch- er, I mean, Waruto's lair…

Atop the tallest tower of the black fortress of Lake Hylia, Waruto's dark figure stood undaunted by the howling winds and pounding rain. Her dress flailed dramatically about her, as did her earrings, as she stood glaring at the fields in the distance. Her lips drew back into a menacing smile as she chuckled. "Ah, Hyrule…that golden paradise of green grass and blue sky…long have I envied your spacious lands, your rolling hills…but the day is coming when I need not envy, for your lands will soon belong to _me_."

'lightning strike, thunder crash'

"_Hyrule shall be mine!_" she cried, then somehow managed to spoil the effect completely by doubling over and giggling: "Teeheeheeheeheehee!!"

Her soliloquy finished, she turned to the figure behind her; a strange green woman adorned in black robes and a pointy hat with a battered old broomstick in hand.

"Well, how was that?"

The mysterious figure stroked her chin thoughtfully as she spoke in a raspy voice. "Mmm…not bad. A bit on the short side, but that's to be expected for a first timer. The insane ranting was good, yes very good, but there's just one little thing you need to work on."

"And that is- ?"

"You laugh like a giddy schoolgirl."

Waruto sighed and hung her head in her hands. "I know, I know," she moaned.

"You're going to have to manufacture your own trademark laugh, and use it often, yes very often."

"Right."

"Now focus, dearie, and remember what I told you."

Waruto closed her eyes and muttered under her breath, "Think evil thoughts, think evil thoughts…"

"Now try it with me. Yeeheeheeheeheeheehehehehe!"

"Teeheeheeheehehehehehe!"

"No, no, no get rid of that 'tee' sound!"

"Eeeheeheeheeheehee!"

"Are you laughing or screaming?"

Waruto scowled and tried again. "Umm…Buahahaha!"

"No, not evil enough."

"VUAhahaha!"

"Well that's better, but not by much…"

"Fu fu fu!"

"…No. Just, no."

"Argh! Who would have thought that being an evil mastermind would be so hard?!"

Suddenly the trapdoor opened, and out popped Link with a gaggle of tektites trailing close behind. He ran over to Waruto, but stopped as he spotted the mysterious figure.

"Waruto! The random weatherman, he's- huh?" Link paused as he noticed the mysterious figure. "Who the heck are you?"

"Don't hold back on the swearing now, you're supposed to be evil."

"Er…ok...who the HELL are you?"

"Much better." She cackled, then with a clear of the throat she laughed "Yeeheeheeheeheehee!"

'thunder crash'

"I am- the Wicked Witch of the West!"

'thunder, horse whinny'

"And you're here because…?"

"I've been hired as your evil consultant."

"Evil consultant as in consultant in matters of all things evil, or just a consultant who is evil?"

"The first one."

"Wow, that sure was fast," he remarked to Waruto.

"Well I hope you're ready for some hard work, my pretty, and your little tektite, too!"

Link gripped the sides of his head and cried "Ow!"

"What's wrong?" Waruto asked.

"Cliché overload."

"Riiiight…so what'd you rush up here to tell me?"

"No, no no, you need to be more demanding of your minions. Remember who's boss, and make sure they know that!"

"Er…right…um, what is it, puny one?"

"The random weatherman has been-"

Dramatic pause.

"Murdered!"

'dun dun DUN!!!'

"What?! Well don't just stand there, boy, find out who did it!"

"Very good!" The wicked witch cackled with approval.

"But I already solved it! The murderer is-"

Meanwhile, in the-

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Screamed the readers.

Just kidding.

"WHO?!" Waruto demanded.

"ME!!"

All present turned to the new arrival, who laughed evilly at their reaction and stepped out of the shadows to reveal-

"Dark Link!"

"Yes, it is I. But tell me, my ever despicable counterpart…how did you know it was me?"

"I didn't. I just knew you'd reveal yourself if I said I knew who you were."

Dark Link scowled.

"Wait a minute! This isn't right! You can't have dark as part of your name unless you belong to the evil party!" shrieked the witch.

"But…but I'm his shadow! I have to do the opposite of whatever he does!"

"Well then you'll just have to change your name."

"But I like my dark! You can't take it away from me!"

"Then you'll have to join the evil party"

"Ok, fine. Link, get out of here and go find those goodie-two-shoes you call your friends.

"What?! No! I wanna have some fun for once!"

"Li-ink!" Dark Link whined.

"No dice, shadow boy. From now on, I'M the evil one around here."

"But I'm supposed to be the evil one!"

"No, I am!"

"No, it's me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Zelda!"

"What?"

"Ha-ha! Gotcha!" Link laughed.

"Yeesh, can't you go five minutes without thinking about her?" Dark Link said, rolling his eyes.

"Who, Zelda?"

"SEE? There you go again!"

"But I-"

"You know Waruto, I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't trust a guy who's obsessed with the leader of the forces of good." Dark Link said silkily, working his way over to the Zora.

"Wh-what?! I'm not obsessed! Don't listen to him, Waruto, he's only trying to undermine us so he can take my place as the minion of evil!"

"Yes, and he's rather good at it too." Pointed out the witch.

"Of course! That's why I'M the evil one."

"Wait…you're the evil one because you're good?"

Dark Link scowled at his twin, "…Shaddup"

"You know, there's a way to get around that whole shadow thing. You could BOTH be evil…yes, and quite easily too." the witch cackled thoughfully.

"Really?!" Link and his shadow exclaimed in unison.

"Why yesss…it's not difficult at all, actually. I just do…this!" she cried, hitting Dark Link with a bolt of magic lightning.

"AAAGGHHH!! IT BURNS!!!" He screamed.

"Good. It's supposed to."

Dark Link whimpered.

"Oh, don't be such a crybaby," Link admonished.

Dark Link glared at him through the electricity cackling around his body. They were all momentarily blinded by a sudden flash of light, and when it faded a changed Dark Link stood before them. He was no longer translucent and his skin was the same tone as Link's. His clothing and hair remained black and his eyes, though still red, were no longer glowing pin points of light.

Dark Link smiled as he looked himself over. "Yay! Now I'm a real boy!" he cried, jumping for joy.

Waruto raised an eyebrow. "Why do I suddenly have this odd feeling of déjà vu?" she thought.

"Of course, you can't call yourself Dark Link anymore since you're not a shadow."

"But this was all so I could keep my name Dark!"

"Then just take off the Link part, stupid!" Link snapped.

"Alright! From now on, my name shall be…Dark!"

"Welcome to the dark side, Dark." Waruto greeted him.

"Isn't that kind of redundant?" asked one of the tektites.

"Oh, go clean up the random weatherman."

A/N: What? I didn't have anything to say up there, what makes you think I have anything to say down here? Oh wait, I do have one thing to say." She paused, closed her eyes, and then opened them to reveal a terrifying spectacle of puppy dog eyes!

"Pweeze review!" she cooed in a nauseatingly cute manner.

Ganon rolled his eyes and looked over at the audience.

"What she said."


	12. Plumbing, Bowling, and Giant Amoebas

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fic by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia are moist and squishy."

"AND…?" Nintendo's lawyers prompted expectantly.

"And all their moist squishiness belongs to Nintendo."

"YES!! HAHAHA, the squishiness is mine!! Heeheehee!!!" Nintendo cackled with glee.

The lawyers and the disclaimer exchanged glances and began to back away slowly.

A/N: Greetings, my pretties! I bring you an update of the squishiest kind. I realized the other day that I have been neglecting some of my characters and plan to reintroduce them to the story. I am of course referring to Rauru, Darunia, and the rest of the sages and side characters that you haven't seen since chapter 8. I have also noticed a large drop in the insanity related randomness of my recent chapters, so I will try to fix that as well.

Chapter 12: Plumbing, Bowling, and Giant Amoebas

Our story today begins in the vile fortress of Waruto. She, Link, Dark, and the Wicked Witch of the West had gathered in the throne room, where they were continuing to resolve matters.

"Who are you, anyway?" Dark inquired of the witch.

"Yeehehee…I am…the Wicked Witch of the West!!"

'Thunder crash, horse whinny'

Dark blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "The Wicked Witch of the West? What kind of a name is that?"

"It's not a name, you fool!" she huffed, "It's a title"

"So what's your real name?"

The witch cleared her throat. "They call me… Iukyxuxckygniattreehugnertlemecnertaytuosxt 'clap clap' shrittumyratiktiktikni 'whistle' kucanyoureadthisgyamatanuinikge 'gunshot' switeeohgaheighralkhskdjrghrs 'honk honk' eepopwhadabayu!"

Everyone present stared at her in bafflement.

"But you may call me Iukyxu."

"Can I call you Timmy?" Link asked hopefully.

Iukyxu raised a wicked black eyebrow.

"What? It's a cool name!"

"I wonder about you sometimes, Link," Dark confided to his twin. Link scowled.

"Shouldn't you two be getting to your…special assignment?" Waruto reminded them.

The pair groaned. "Aww, man…"

"Do we have to?"

Waruto's eyes turned a demonic red in answer. "GO." She commanded in a ridiculously deep voice.

Dark and Link made tiny "eep" sounds and ran like hell.

"There. Now that that's all taken care of…"

Waruto leaned back in her chair and pressed a small button on the side of the armrest. Seconds later the doors of the throne room swung open to admit a black tektite. Of course, it was really a red tektite but it had been dyed black to make it look more important. It scuttled before the throne and bowed awkwardly.

"Report!" Waruto commanded.

The black tektite, Nyx by name, promptly straightened and did so.

"I herald news both bad and goode, which doth thou wish to hear?"

"Hmm…give me the good news first."

"The evil king hath entered the House of Masks."

"Ahh! Excellent! And…the bad?"

"Jonny, thinking the plot foiled, hath disabled the trap there."

"Argh! So close, yet so far…"

'CLANG!!!'

"AAAAGH!!"

Waruto looked up questioningly as these strange noises sounded from somewhere far away. "…what was that?" she wondered aloud.

Waruto was not the only one who pondered the source of the strange noise. Not far away, two familiar figures crouched on a hillside and brooded over the source of the sound.

"It seems to be coming from the fortress," Rauru observed.

"No shit, Sherlock"

Rauru scowled at Darunia before turning his attention back to the fortress.

Yes, the two sages had finally found their way to Lake Hylia, after a series of hilarious misadventures that the author is too lazy to write down.

"Hey!!" The author screeched.

What? It's the truth, isn't it?

"The truth?! You want the truth?!"

Yes!

"You want fries with that?!"

Yes!

"_You can't handle the fries!_"

…what about the truth?

"It's a $1.50 with ketchup"

Okay, I said, giving the author a buck. Keep the change.

"Hey! I said $1.50!!"

Ok, I'll keep the change.

"Grr…fine Mr. Funny man, no ketchup for you!!" She growled in a poor impersonation of the Seinfeld Soup Nazi.

Waaa! I want my ketchup!

"Aww…here ya go!" the author gave in to my pleading and…poured a gallon of ketchup over my head.

…eww.

"And the truth is, I completely forgot about those two until now," she confided.

…and you're too lazy to explain where they've been all this time.

"…Shaddup"

"GET ON WITH IT!!!!" roared a mob of angry readers.

"Why on earth would anybody build a castle in the middle of a lake, anyway?" Darunia wondered aloud.

"Why would anyone build a temple in the middle of a volcano?" Rauru retorted.

Darunia thought for a second. "…point taken."

They stood in silence for a moment, gazing at the massive black towers of the castle that rose from the depths of the lake.

"I suppose we should go back and report now…" Rauru muttered.

"Hey wait a minute! If this fortress is in the middle of the lake, it must be covering the island and the water temple. And since Link used the serenade of water to warp here…" the goron chief trailed off.

"He must be in there somewhere!" Rauru caught on.

"Right. And I'm not about to leave my sworn brother behind!"

Rauru sighed. "Very well…"

'CLANG!'

"AAAAAGGH!!"

Darunia looked up as the noise rang out again. "What IS that?"

"Hmm. Come to think of it, it kind of sounds like…Link!!"

Darunia jumped to his feet in alarm. "Come on! We have to get in there!"

The two sages clamored over the hill and crept nearer to the bridge that served as an entrance to the watery fortress. Using the lakeside laboratory building as cover, they observed the entranceway.

"We must be careful. The entrance is heavily guarded."

Darunia rolled his eyes. Why must the light sage constantly point out the obvious? "I'm not blind, chubbo."

Rauru made a face, but said nothing.

What Rauru had obviously observed were the hard-to-miss legions of scarecrows garbed in strange uniforms and carrying pointy sticks as they marched around the entrance. Or rather, since they couldn't really march, they just sort of hopped in sync. It was pretty funny to watch, actually. They sang a strange chant that consisted of only one word.

"Oweeo, oweeeo. Oweeeo, Oweeeeo"

"What are they saying?" Rauru asked.

"I can't hear. Let's get closer," Darunia suggested.

They maneuvered around the side of the laboratory, getting as close as they dared. From there, they were able to clearly distinguish the words to the strange chant.

"Oreo, Oreeeo. Oreo, Oreeeeeo." (A/N: What? That's what I always thought they were saying in The Wizard of Oz!)

Darunia cocked an eyebrow.

"Mmm…cookies…" Rauru drooled in a very Homer Simpson-like manner.

Darunia rolled his eyes.

"What?"

"Never mind…so how are we going to get past them?"

Rauru stroked his chin thoughtfully. He thought he had an idea, but it turned out to be a moldy piece of cheese, which he ate. Darunia, however, actually had an idea.

Meanwhile, the scarecrows continued their…er… "march"

"Oreo, oreeee- huh? What's that?" asked one of the scarecrows, stopping his march and pointing up the hill.

Another scarecrow also stopped hopping and followed the gaze of the first. "Oh, you mean those aliens?"

"No, no, next to that!"

"Bigfoot?"

"Next to that!"

"The big angry goron rolling towards us at top speed?"

"Yeah that's it."

3…2…1…

"AAAAAAHHH!!!"

The scarecrows panicked, frantically trying to hop out of the way. They were unsuccessful however, and Darunia barreled them over like a super sonic cheeseburger.

"Mmm…cheeseburgers…" Rauru drooled. I wish Nab were here to put a bucket under that. Anyway.

Unfortunately, though the scarecrows were thwarted magnificently, Darunia – who could not see where he was going – sailed right over the bridge and plunged into the lake, where he sank like a rock.

"Glub glub."

"Ooh…that's not good," Rauru said, his bear trap of a mind making yet another brilliant deduction. And then he glared at me. Hey, don't pay attention to me, go save your friend!

"…glub…"

"Don't worry, Darunia! I'll save you!" Rauru cried heroically, striking a pose before diving into the lake. The sage of light tried to swim down to the goron, but his enormous amount of flab made him surprisingly buoyant. He floated upside down with his head and chest underwater and everything below the waist sticking up in the air. Anyone passing by would see nothing but a pair of legs thrashing above water.

"What the heck? Are those…pokemon boxers?" remarked a disgusted passerby.

"……glub….." Darunia…um…glubbed.

"Wait a minute! You're a sage! Warp out of there, you idiot!" Rauru snapped, his sagely spiffiness somehow enabling him to speak clearly underwater. Darunia complied, morphing into a ball of red light and alighting safely on land. Rauru followed suit.

"You know…we could just warp into the fortress through a window or something." Darunia realized.

"Oh yeah huh. Guess we barreled over all those scarecrows for nothing."

"…the…pain…" groaned one of the scarecrows.

Darunia shrugged. "Oh well." And with that, the flabulous duo warped into the fortress. They ran through several corridors, searching for the source of the noise and, hopefully, Link.

"How much further?!" Rauru panted.

"How the heck should I know?"

"Argh! I'm too old for this!"

"Well maybe if you lost a few thousand pounds…"

"Hey!! I'm in great shape for a 500-year-old!!"

After a bit more running, Rauru and Darunia finally made it to the room where the noises were coming from. Darunia, with his usual tact and cunning, kicked down the door and barged right on in. "What's going on here?!!" he roared.

The door, meanwhile, happened to swing back on its hinges and hit Rauru in the face. Despite being slammed into by one of Waruto Fortress's trademark super-heavy doors, the sage didn't fall down on account of his enormous weight.

"Ow," he squeaked, his voice ridiculously high-pitched due to his nose having been smashed.

"Oops…sorry, chubbo." Darunia grinned apologetically.

"Stop calling me that!" Rauru snapped in the same squeaky voice.

"Rauru? Darunia? Is that you?" Link asked, as he started to get up.

"Wait Link, watch out for that-" a familiar noise cut Dark off.

'CLANG!!'

"AAAGH!!"

Dark sighed. "I warned you…"

Link said nothing but carefully wormed his way out from under the sink and stood up. He and his dark brother had been battling that most evil, diabolical monster of homely conveniences: the plumbing.

'Dun Dun DUNNNN'

"Sink trouble?" Darunia asked, temporarily taking over Rauru's job of stating the obvious since the old man himself still hadn't moved out from behind the door and couldn't see what was going on.

"Yup. The tektites are saying the water tastes funny, so we have to check it out." Link explained, rubbing the back of his head sorely.

"Yeah. Can you believe it?" Dark piped up, "Out of all the expendable minions swarming over the place, she gets US - her personal advisors, no less – to fix the frickin' plumbing!!"

"Who's 'she'? And who are you, for that matter?" Darunia demanded to know.

It was at this point in time when Rauru, having finally pushed the door aside and entered the room proper, caught sight of Dark. He gasped as he recognized Link's twin for what he formerly was. "Begone, shadow! Vile minion of the evil king, begone!" He roared, conjuring a ball of white energy in his palm.

"Hey, hey!" Link cut in, stepping protectively in front of Dark, "It's alright! He's cool, he's with me!"

"But…isn't he the shadow creature you fought in the water temple?" Rauru asked, now utterly baffled.

"The one and only!" Dark announced proudly.

"Yeah, but he's on my side now. Timmy made him a real boy!" Link explained happily, punching the air for emphasis on the words 'real boy'.

Rauru and Darunia raised their eyebrows and gave him the exact same stare.

Link looked from one to the other. "What?"

"Real boy?" Darunia asked.

"Timmy?" Rauru asked at the same time.

"Local sorceress." Dark explicated, "Hey, mind passing me that wrench? Right next to your left foot…no, your other left…there ya go. Thanks."

"Sorcer…ess? Named…Timmy?" Darunia blinked, the concept bending his frail mind dangerously.

"Actually, her name is Hwuk- er, Hukyz- Hiukyzu…wu… aww screw it. Her name is really weird. He just calls her Timmy for some reason."

"It's a cool name!" Link snapped defensively.

Rauru glanced at Link, who by now had crawled back under the sink…hee hee, that rhymed. "Wait…did you say you were having…plumbing problems?"

Link sighed "Yup"

Rauru's eyes lit up (never a good sign) as he struck a heroic pose. "This looks like a job for-"

The sage of light jumped into a conveniently placed phone booth, then sprung out a moment later dressed as-

"Sailor Moon?"

Rauru blinked and looked down at himself. "Woops, wrong costume." He blushed, reentering the phone booth.

"Don't tell me what he does in his spare time. I get the feeling I don't want to know," Dark remarked to Darunia.

"Eh-heh…" Darunia scratched the back of head as he eyed the phone booth.

Rauru came back out, this time dressed in ratty blue jeans, a red plaid shirt, and a wide leather equipment belt.

He cleared his throat. "As I was saying- this is a job for: plumber man!!"

Dark raised an eyebrow.

Ignoring him, Rauru waltzed right up to the sink and roared "Out of the way, fairy boy!"

"Huh?!" Link started, the promptly hit his head as he tried to get up…again…

'CLANG'

"AAAAGH!"

Dark sighed as he rubbed his forehead. "He REALLY needs to stop doing that."

"He's got to have one major headache right now" Darunia sympathized.

Link, who had extricated himself from the sink by now, caught sight of Rauru's outfit and froze right in the middle of rubbing the throbbing bump on his head. "What the?"

"I'll take care of this! I am a fully certified plumber. I even have the pants!" Rauru gestured at his ratty jeans.

"Riiiiiight…" said Dark.

Link's eyes widened as realization set in. "Uh oh…"

"What?" inquired his twin.

In answer, Link tore down a nearby drape and tied it around his eyes.

Dark looked at him funny. "Um…what's with the blindfold?"

"You'll see…unfortunately."

Rauru then bent over

Dark and Darunia's eyes enlarged comically as they screamed: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone in the room except Link, who had the foresight to blindfold himself, fell down on the ground screaming in agony from the awful sight that was Rauru bent over under the sink with his- well, you all know what I'm talking about. If you don't, you've spared yourself the blinding mental image of Rauru's butt crack. Or not, since I just told you about it.

The readers promptly clutched their eyes in agony. "DAMN YOU REBELX!!!" they screeched.

The Author cackled evilly.

Darunia began muttering, his limbs twitching occasionally. "My eyes…so unclean…"

Dark was doing the same. "The horror…" he wheezed with a twitch, "the sheer, unadulterated horror…" and twitched some more.

'CLANG!'

"AAAAAGGGHH!!"

"Ha-ha! I'm not the only person who-"

Link's proud announcement was cut short by a strange noise.

'KABLOOP-BLOOP-AA!!'

"Wah?"

Link peeked out from under the blindfold. His eyes widened and he jumped backwards moments before a certain sage of light crashed into the floor where he had just been, leaving a large crater. Link ripped off the blindfold and regarded Rauru.

"Ooh…that had to hurt."

'KABLOOP-PLOO!'

"Huh? That sounds like…" he paused, looking up, "Morpha?!!"

Indeed, the gigantic violent aquatic amoeba her/him/itself writhed violently as it oozed out of the pipes. Its nucleus spun rapidly, keeping its body a mass of flailing tentacles.

"KA-BLOOP!!" He/she/it um…blooped indignantly.

Link smirked confidently. "Ha! I know how to take care of you!" he sneered, "I'll just use my trusty hook-" he paused, frantically fishing around in his magical items sack. "Huh?! W-where's my hookshot?!"

Elsewhere…

"Fuahahahahaa! It took days to gather enough magical energy for the equipment snatching spell, but it was worth it! Now at last, THE OCARINA OF TIME IS MINE!!!" Zelda cackled evilly.

"So…what are you going to do with all this other stuff?" asked a random minion.

Zelda looked at the floor, which was littered with all the various magical items and other gadgets that Link had collected on his recent adventure.

Zelda stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm…"

Back with Link…

"AAAAAAAAAAGH!!" Link screamed as he flew into the wall, "Owie…stupid amoeba…"

Morpha snickered.

"Ung…I could use some help here!" Link snapped in the direction of the floor, where Darunia and Dark were still writhing in agony and Rauru was snoring loudly. None of them moved. Link scowled.

"Never fear! Random Ninja is here!" announced a random ninja as he flew out of nowhere in super-cool ninja style and lunged at the aquatic villain. "Die, you evil fiend!!"

Link raised an eyebrow. "Oookay…"

Random ninja's slightly muffled voice somehow fought its way out from somewhere inside Morpha's mass of writhing tentacles to Link's ears. "Take that!" it said, "And that! Haha- argh! Blasted tentacles!! …wait a minute…_Oh_ _goddesses that's not a tentacle!!!_" (A/N: I so stole that joke from 8-bit theatre…)

Link's eyes grew wide as the meaning of that sank in. "I'll…just…be going now…" he said haltingly, then turned and ran like hell.

"-that's a Pepsi cup!" the random ninja finished. (A/N: -but not that one!)

Elsewhere…

Waruto sighed, still depressed over the latest news. "The one time he's right where I want him, and I'm not ready for him. Can things get any worse?"

No sooner had she said these words then a breathless and flustered Link burst through the doors.

"The plumbing's been invaded by a giant aquatic amoeba!!!"

Waruto glared tiredly at nothing in particular. "…I just had to say that, didn't I?"

A/N: "Fu fu fu! Another chapter hath reached completion-ness! "

"And a fine chapter it was, my pretty." cackled Iukyxu.

"And now I shall go watch the _Wizard of Oz_ for more inspiration!" the Author announced.

Ganon turned to the readers. "Don't forget to review!"

"Ah ah ah! Don't forget to be evil, dearie" Iukyxu chided him.

"WHAT did you call me?!"

"Uh…that's better"

"Hmph." Ganon scowled, "Review dammit!"

The Author broke out her trademark puppy dog eyes and added "Pweeze?"

"Hey, now that's not evil at- aww." Iukyxu broke off, having just caught the full blast of the Author's puppy dog eyes. The author giggled, somehow managing to sound both cute and evil at the same time.

"Bye bye now!" she waved.


	13. The Brief Return of Kirby

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia will fall before the might of my irresistible puppy dog eyes!!"

"Hey! There's only room enough in this fan fiction for one pair of irresistible puppy dog eyes!" protested the author.

"Grrrr!"

"Grrrr!"

A lone tumbleweed rolled by as author and disclaimer glared at each other.

'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly theme played:

'Doodle-oodle-ooo...dew dew deeeew... Doodle-oodle-ooo...doo doo doooo!'

"Er...Let's...not get involved here..." Nintendo's lawyers decided wisely before running away.

Author's note: I see dead people…

Chapter 13: The (brief) Return of Kirby

"Ganondorf!!!"  
"Ganon!!!"  
"Pig boooooy!!"

Voices echoed through the woods, startling birds and setting animals to flight. Or is it the other way around?

"C'mon guys, we've been looking for hours! Surely we should have seen some sign of him by now?"

"Yeah, for all we know, he might not even be IN the woods anymore... And don't call me Shirley!"

"Hmm...let's not give up quite yet. It's better we keep an eye on him, lest he try to resume his evil plans. At the very least, let us continue searching for Kirby."

"Whatever you say, Impa."

Yes, the voices belonged to that much neglected group of everyone who was not sent on a specific mission: Impa, Saria, and Mido.

"See anything in your uh...balls?" Mido snickered, trying and failing to keep a straight face.

Saria rolled her eyes. "I only have one, dipstick"

Mido's lip quivered for a moment, then he burst out laughing.

Saria scowled darkly.

Suddenly Impa stopped. "Hark; do I see a flash of pink in the distance?" she said.

"I don't know, do you?" Mido asked, his laughter subsiding.

"Forsooth! Let us hasten that-a-way!" Saria cried, striking a dramatic pose.

The trio hurried in the direction of what they hoped was a certain maniacal pink puffball. They were heartened as they drew close enough to discern what was indeed a small pink ball of fluff, and quickened their pace. They stopped a yard or so away from the creature, crouching in the bushes and trying not to draw attention to themselves. Yeah. Right.

"HA-ha! It looks like a giant pink marshmallow!" Mido guffawed stupidly.

"Will you be quiet?! You're gonna scare it away!" Saria whispered harshly.

Kirby, whose back was turned, did not seem to notice them. They crept closer, making as little noise as possible.

'KRUNCH KRACKLE SNAP TRUDGE TROMP KRICK KRACK'

Apparently, Kirby was deaf.

...And now they're all glaring at me.

"Aw, screw this!" Mido snapped.

The brash Kokiri stopped attempting to quietly sneak up on their target and trudged right over to it. Still, it took no notice of him. He cleared his throat loudly. Still nothing. He coughed. No reaction. Now thouroughly irritated, Mido made a face and socked it hard in the back. The punch was enough to send Kirby falling flat on his face, but other than that it neither moved nor responded in any way. Mido raised an eyebrow.

"Er...guys? I think it's dead."

"Wha- ?" Saria, who hadn't dared watch while Mido engaged Kirby, now looked out from behind her hands and walked over to them. Impa followed her, her shiekan brow furrowed in thought. Wordlessly Saria kneeled and examined Kirby's motionless figure. She gasped as she caught sight of the pool of red liquid pooling beneath it. Impa knelt beside her, considering the dead creature. The sage of shadow dipped her finger in the fluid she saw pooling under the puffball. She rubbed it around in her fingers for a bit, then leaned forward and smelt it. She jerked back, her face a mass of confusion. Then she leaned forward and, haltingly, tasted it.

"Eww!! Impa! That's blood!"

"Hmm...tastes like...cherry kool aid?"

Mido's mouth dropped slightly. Then he took hold of Kirby's arm and rolled the ball of flab over. Everyone present gasped at what they saw.

"It's a dummy!!" Saria exclaimed.

Mido scratched his head. "What kind of maniac fills a dummy with cherry kool aid?"

"THIS kind of maniac!" a strange voice called from above. A green-clothed figure jumped down from the tree, giggling maniacally as they landed and started dancing around weirdly.

"Ao-ohoho! You have fallen into the trap created by Tingle himself! Now you suffer the wrath of magic fairy princess!"

A trap door fell open with a loud grating creak. Unfortunately (for Tingle, anyway) it was nowhere near our gaggle of heroes.

"Dude, you're off by like...three feet." Mido pointed out.

"Ooh, not good, not good! Tingle will have to drive you into manor himself! Ao-ohoho!"

"Stop making that stupid noise!!" Mido snapped.

"Ao-ohoho! I know not what you speak of, mister fairy"

"Graaaa!" Mido screamed, the overall stupid gayness of the fairy-want-to-be finally pushing him to the breaking point. He tackled Tingle, his eyes burning with rage.

"Oh oh! No no no no-oof!" Tingle cried as the Kokiri threw him to the ground. Then he got an idea. "Wait, yes! Ha ha!" Unfortunately for our heroes, the strange little man had just realized that a 35 year old man (albeit a short one) could easily overpower a little Kokiri. He laughed in his extremely annoying manner as he threw Mido through the trapdoor.

"Uh oh..." Saria murmured.

"Now Tingle use magic fairy magic!" Tingle announced as he started dancing, "Tingle Tingle Koolooh Limpah!" He did a flip in the air as he finished, throwing confetti in the air. Nothing happened.

Saria and Impa raised their eyebrows.

Tingle paused, stroking his ridiculously pointed chin thoughtfully. "Hmm...someone must have stolen the magic words created by Tingle himself. What will Tingle do now?"

"Why doesn't Tingle tell us where Link's umbrella is?" Saria suggested.

"Ao-ohoho! Tingle made it more useful for himself! See?" he said, holding out the umbrella, which was now covered in marker drawings.

Saria stared at him "...You used it to make a map?"

"Yes, yes! Tingle need map of magic fairy princess's lair, but Tingle no have paper! No-ohoho! So this is the map improvised by Tingle himself!"

"Riiiiight...well we'll just be- Yoink!!" Saria exclaimed suddenly, grabbing the umbrella.

"Oh no you don't, mister fairy!" Tingle warned.

Saria froze, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "Did you say..._mister_?!!"

"Yes."

"Oh, ok. Just checking." Saria said calmly, her eyes returning to normal.

"Right."

"...not." and thus she lunged at Tingle with every intent of choking his brains out.

"Ha-ha!" Tingle guffawed as he grabbed Saria. "What foolish fools these fairies are!"

The insane little weirdo did a little dance and was about to throw Saria in after Mido when suddenly-

"CHEESEBURGER!!!" Kirby roared, flying out of nowhere and swallowing Tingle whole. "Eew! Tastes wike doity undapants!" he said, his voice muffled slightly by his full mouth, and then he spit him out. Kirby had regurgitated him with such force, however, that Tingle wound up sailing far off into the distance.

"Tingle Tingle Koolooh Limpaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!" He cried, his voice getting farther and farther away until he landed with a satisfyingly loud crash.

"Phew...thanks Kirby!" Saria breathed.

Kirby considered her. "Fries?" he squeaked.

Saria's eyes widened with panic. "Um...hey look! A McDonalds!" she said, pointing.

"Mmm! Clowns!" Kirby cooed, flying off in the direction she pointed.

Saria heaved a sigh of relief. "Double phew...well that's all taken care of, so now what?"

"We must retrieve our foolish young comrade from whatever terrible place lies beyond that trapdoor." Impa replied.

Saria groaned and rubbed her forehead. "I knew you were gonna say that..." She said before jumping in with a cry of "Geronimo!"

Impa followed wordlessly.

Meanwhile, in as certain creepy little house not far away...

"Where'd that little freak go?!" Ganon roared.

"Dude. Calm down. It's just a frickin' laugh." Nab remarked.

"It's not JUST a laugh! It's MY trademark! Copying my laugh is like stealing my identity!" He seethed.

Nab rolled her eyes. "Whatever"

"This place is so huge..." Skullkid murmured in awe.

Nab glared at him.

"What? I didn't say anything obscene!"

"Sorry, force of habit"

"If you would kindly focus on the task at hand?" Ganon sneered.

"Hmm..."

The interior of the house was dark and dusty, every nook and cranny bursting with cobwebs. Spiders scuttled off in every direction whenever they opened a door or disturbed a piece of furniture. The wood of the walls was gray with age and even rotting in some places, so great was the decay. Nabooru wrinkled her nose.

"Man, that guy needs to do some serious cleaning around here."

"Tell me about it...achoo! I'm not even allergic to dust, and here I am sneezing like crazy! achoo!" Skullkid wheezed between sneezes.

"Uh oh..." Ganon muttered, stopping.

The others stopped beside him. In front of them were three doors in various stages of decay. They were covered in intricate carvings and had undoubtedly once been very beautiful, but the ravages of time and a certain lack of housecleaning had stripped them of all glory and design. They stood like great grey monsters, waiting to devour any hapless individual who should wander into their cracked, hulking maws.

"Damn it Narrator! Achoo! Quit freaking us out!"

Nah, it's way too much fun.

Skullkid scowled at me.

"So...I guess we should split up, huh?" Nab said, suggesting the one thing they didn't want to hear.

Ganon narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Doesn't it strike you as a liiiittle too convenient?"

"How do you mean?"

"3 doors. 3 of us."

"Hmm..."

"Achoo! Sniff…If you guys don't mind, I'll take this one." The skullkid said with a sniff.

So saying, he walked over to the least decrepit ( and least dusty) of the three doorways and entered it. Nabooru looked over the remaining two thoughtfully.

"Hmm...I'll take the middle. It's most likely to actually go somewhere." Nab reasoned, approaching the aforementioned door.

"Then that leaves me with the far left." Ganon said to nobody in particular.

The instant he opened his door, he knew something was wrong. On the other side lay not a hall or stairway, as one might expect, but a vast field of grass blowing gently in the wind beneath a golden sky.

"Eh...that sky looks more yellowish than gold."

It's gold.

"Yellow."

Gold!

"Yellow!"

Gold!

"Yellow!"

"Stop arguing with the narrator!! Don't make me start speaking in all caps!!" The Author threatened.

Ganon rolled his eyes. "Screw this. I'm taking a different door." He turned, "What the?!"

The door was nowhere to be seen. All around him was nothing but grass, wind, and sky.

"...shit..."

Meanwhile, the Skullkid was having a similarly baffling experience. He'd open his door to find a perfectly normal looking stairway, and at the bottom he found another door. Behind this one, however, was a perfectly abnormal looking forest.

Skullkid stood staring at it with wide eyes.

Bewildered, he stepped beyond the doorway and closely examined his surroundings. This forest was somehow darker, more foreboding than the lost woods. The contorted figures of gnarled black trees stood grasping for him, their finger-like branches quivering in the dusky breeze. The leafless husks of craggly bushes crouched at the feet of the trees, their brambles and thorns forming an impassable net on both sides of the meager path. Fog wreathed the ground, coiling around the trees in delicate wisps.

" ...you know, this place wouldn't be half as bad if I hadn't listened to your description of it."

It's called 'atmosphere'. It's my job.

Skullkid made a face at me.

Suddenly, a twig snapped somewhere in the gloom ahead of him.

Skullkid's eyes widened and he backed away slowly. "I...think I'll go try a different door" he said hurriedly. But when he turned around...

"Agh! Where'd the door go?!!"

(A/N: I'm so evil )

Meanwhile, Nabooru was marveling at the scene behind the middle door.

"Wow. A corridor. Yippity-skip."

...in her own sarcastic way. Wonder and awe aside, she trudged down the small hall and opened the door at the other end. And there was the most baffling of all sights to behold-

"It's a stairway."

...yes, it was a stairway. A perfectly normal, creaky, decrepit, old stairway.

"You forgot 'filthy'," Nab reminded me, crinkling her nose as she ran a finger along a step and examined the mass of dirt and dust it collected.

She climbed the stairs and soon came to another door. Before she could enter it however, an extraordinary sound reached her ears.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh-oomf!!!!"

"What the?"

Curious, the gerudo went back down to investigate. Poking her head back into the corridor, who should she see in a sprawled heap on the floor then-

"Mido?!!"

"Ung...Nabooru?"

"How on earth did you get down here?"

"Long story...mind helping me up?"

"No problem." She shrugged, crossing to the fallen Kokiri.

"Geronimo!!!"

Nab stopped and looked around. "What was-"

She was rudely cut off when Saria came crashing down on top of her.

"OOF!!" They cried out.

"...ok...that hurt..." Nab gasped.

"Oh shit," Saria swore under her breath.

And a moment later, exactly what she had expected to happen, happened. Impa came crashing down on top of Saria and Nabooru.

"...but that hurt more..." Nab wheezed, her voice even more strangled.

"My apologies," Impa said, promptly getting off them.

"Sorry Nab..." Saria followed suit.

"Ung...ever heard the phrase "look before you leap"?" the slightly squashed gerudo snapped.

"Eh heh..." Saria rubbed the back of her neck nervously.

Mido, meanwhile, was examining their surroundings. "Damn this place is a mess!"

Nab rolled her eyes as she crossed back to the far door. "What, you were expecting maybe a fairy palace?" she opened the door and froze, staring. "...I hate it when the author makes me eat my own words."

Yup, you guessed it. Behind this door was not the staircase from before, but an exquisite stone palace.

"How the (beep) does all this fit inside a house?"

The young gerudo thief had a point. Said palace lay in the middle of a thick jungle that extended as far as the eye could see. Vines draped lazily over the gray stone, and the entire structure was choked with vegetation. Warily Nabooru approached the structure.

"Hmm...is it just me, or is this just a rip off of the Rorest Temple?" Saria remarked, ignoring the Author's ensuing glare.

"Only this one has spiky walls and towery-things," Mido pointed out.

"They're called "spires"," Impa informed him.

"...whatever." Mido rolled his eyes.

With that, the trio trudged forth after the sage of spirit. Together, the four clambered through the thick vegetation and climbed the cold indifferent stair of the ancient Forest Temple rip off.

...And now the Author is glaring at me.

"Dude, face it. It's just a creepy combination of Ganon's Tower and the Forest Temple." Mido told her.

"Wait a minute...since when did you see Ganon's Tower? Or the Forest Temple, for that matter?" Saria interrogated him.

Mido stiffened, his eyes glancing around shiftily. "Er...plot twist, please?" he whispered.

And suddenly the elaborate stone door withdrew into the wall, and there in the entrance stood a lady garbed from head to toe in luminous blue ornaments. A silken toga the color of a cloudless sky hung from her delicate shoulders and dangled but an inch from the stone floor, revealing the blue leather sandals that embraced her frail feet. Her pale skin glowed with an ethereal aura the color of ocean mist. Luxuriant cerulean hair tumbled from her crown and poured over her shoulders, billowing wildly in the strange, sudden wind that came seemingly out of no where and returned just as quickly. Ice blue eyes bore into their souls as a tender white hand stretched forth and beckoned with a slender finger.

And then the author keeled over from a purple prose overdose.

Meanwhile, in a certain barren field of grass...

"Does this field never end?!!"

...a certain king of thieves was slowly going insane.

"Grass. Nothing but grass. Here's a grass, there's a grass, everywhere there's grass GRASS!!"

Well, maybe not so slowly.

"The grass...it's everywhere...and it wants my soul..."

o.O actually...he seems to have already lost it...oh well.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!" He roared, running away.

...let's just go check on Skullkid, shall we?

In a certain room reminiscient of something from a cheesy horror flick...

"It's ok...it's ok...everything's ok..."

The timid forest creature was currently talking to himself – always a bad sign- in an effort to chase away that ever persistent fear that nagged at the very center of his being. He identified every sound out loud, reassuring himself that there was nothing lying in wait to mutilate and devour him like so much-

"SHUT UP!! I'M FREAKED OUT ENOUGH AS IT IS!!!"

"Great. Now they're arguing with the narrator _and_ speaking in all caps!" The author huffed.

"It's ok...it's ok..." the skullkid continued to mutter, pointedly ignoring the author.

'Crack'

"That was just a twig cracking under your foot..."

'Moan'

"That was just the wind blowing through the trees..."

'Ka-creek ka-creek'

"That's just a tree creaking in the wind..."

'Ka-bloopa! Bloopa!'

"That's just Morpha duking it out with a random ninja..."

'Ni!'

"That's just a knight demanding a shrubbery..."

'Grrrrrrrrrrrr'

"That's just a gigantic mutant wolfos growling in your general direction with an evil look in its- ...oh crap..."

The growling grew in volume as the wolfos slunk towards the tremulous skullkid, its eyes gleaming with hunger.

Skullkid, in an excellent display of his charactaristic courage, made a small "eep" sound and ran like hell.

The wolfos chased after him with a terrifying howl.

Meanwhile, in the highest room of the tallest tower of the desolate manor, a very familiar figure kept watch over these three groups with three of the narrator's balls. A musical, yet unquestionably sinister laugh escaped their lips as they stood and crossed to the only other figure in the room.

"And you thought I wouldn't be able to bend the witch fish's traps to my own ends."

"Oh, I knew you could do it. I just didn't care."

The first figure scowled. The second merely yawned.

"Tell me again what you hope to accomplish by this, princess?"

The first figure was none other than princess Zelda herself, the second, the happy mask salesman. But the HMS was not acting like himself. Perhaps this had something to do with the strange mask he was wearing...

"It's simple enough. Once I have all three trapped, I'll tap into the triforce of power and incapacitate the spirit sage- with your help, of course."

"And what of the third?"

"Oh, the Skullkid? Hmm...I suppose I could turn him into some wacked-out monster and use him to guard the spirit sage in some secluded, heavily booby trapped temple."

"Pardon me, but isn't that a bit...cliché?"

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Look who's talking..." she muttered, "and what would you suggest?"

"I agree with the monster part, but instead of sticking him in a temple, how about letting him wreak havoc inside the witch fish's fortress?"

"Hmm...I liiiiike...very well, I'll do that. But for now all we have to do is wait, and let the three behind the doors take care of that gaggle of miscreants" and with that she laughed evilly.

HMS laughed an eviler evil laugh.

Zelda laughed an eviler eviler evil laugh.

HMS laughed an eviler eviler eviler evil laugh.

HMS and Zelda continued their contest over who could laugh the evilest as the chapter ended.

A/N: "Yup. Zelda's evil. Ok, who many people saw that coming?"

The entire audience raised their hands.

"...I suspected as much. Oh well. Thanks as always for reading, and-"

"Don't forget to review!" said the disclaimer.

"What the- ? What are you doing down here?" demanded the author.

"THIS!" the disclaimer cried with a nauseatingly cute display of puppy dog eyes.

"WHAT?!! How DARE you! That's MY part!"

The disclaimer stuck her tongue out at the author and ran away giggling madly.

"...I feel so usurped..." The author said sadly, sniffling.

"There there..." Link cooed, patting the author on the back reassuringly.

"Hey, where's Ganondorf?"

"Uh..."

Ganon took this opportune moment to run by screaming: "THE GRASS WILL DESTROY US ALL!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"….."

"..."

The author broke out her puppy dog eyes, making Link's eyes go all swirly as he murmured: "Review...must...review..."

"I've still got it!" The author cried happily.


	14. The House of Illusion

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. Roundup belongs to…um…some guy. Yeah."

The Author stared at the disclaimer. "…"

"What?"

"Maybe you should have stuck with the puppy eyes."

Disclaimer made a face.

Chapter 14: The House of Illusion

A young woman raced through the desolate halls of the fairy palace that looked like the lovechild of Ganon's tower and the forest temple (A/N: -.- ), her footsteps echoing loudly through the stone corridors.

"Hmm…can't have that…"

Pausing for the briefest of moments, the woman snapped her fingers, then set off again. This time, however, she made no noise.

"Hee hee."

She continued to hurry along until she heard voices trailing in from the entrance hall. She screeched to a stop (actually, she didn't screech, since she still made no noise) and listened intently.

"You are probably wondering who I am and why you are here…"

A voice as delicate and pure as a crystal bell rang softly through the ancient air. The woman's lip curled at the sound of it. For all its graceful beauty, she could sense the ugly darkness that lurked within. The woman crept forward into the hall, slinking into the shadows to avoid detection.

"Allow me to explain. My name is Adarkun, and I am-"

"GOING DOWN!!!!"

And thus the woman leapt from her hiding place and clocked the blue lady over the head with- of all things- an encyclopedia. The blue lady promptly passed out.

"…well that was unexpected," Saria remarked.

"Indeed," Impa conceded.

"Is anyone else here as confused as I am?" Mido asked.

Impa, Saria, and Nabooru all raised their hands.

The newcomer straightened, looking around at them all sheepishly. Nervously she fiddled with her glasses as she cleared her throat to speak.

"Um…hi…I'm Nayru, and the chic on the floor is a shadow demon sent here by Zelda to-"

"_Wait a minute!_ Nayru?!! As in…after the _goddess_ Nayru?" Nab demanded.

"Who would have the audacity to name their child after a goddess?" Impa snorted.

Nayru stiffened indignantly, her shyness forgotten.

"I wasn't _named_ after her! I _am_ her!"

Pause.

"You're _what_?!!" Nab, Saria, Impa, and Mido all exclaimed at the same time.

"_You're _the Goddess of Wisdom?!" exclaimed Mido.

"The Creator of Law?" Saria gaped.

"The Golden Goddess of the Water?" Impa murmured.

"Yes, yes! I know all my names already, you don't need to recite them to me."

"But you're so…so…" Nab struggled for the right word.

"So what?"

Everyone else exchanged glances.

"Oh forget it. Do you want me to explain what's going on or not?" Nayru huffed.

"Please, explain," Impa invited.

"Very well." The goddess said, clearing her throat. "This mansion is one of the oldest and most treacherous of buildings in the history of Hyrule. It is known as _Mira a canar_, or "the house of illusion". The rooms within it are threaded with incredible magic that allows a competent magician to spawn complex illusions. A similar magic exists in one room of the water temple, I believe. This type of magic is powered by shadow demons, like that creature there," she gestured to the unconscious blue lady, "who can change their form at will. They often mimic the people they come across, like-"

"Dark Link!" Mido exclaimed suddenly.

"…beg pardon?" Nayru eyed the little Kokiri, adjusting her glasses again.

"Dark Link is a shadow demon, isn't he? And he likes to mimic Link!"

"Correct. Dark Link was the shadow demon that powered the room of illusion in the water temple. But how did you…?"

"Wait…_was_?"

"He's hylian now. A skilled sorcerer can easily transform a shadow demon into a flesh and blood hylian, if the demon has remained in a single form long enough."

"How do you know all this?" Saria asked her.

"I told you, I'm the Goddess of Wisdom! I know everything! …you do believe me, don't you?"

Everyone else exchanged glances again.

"Um…no offense, but…you don't really look the part," Saria offered daringly.

She had a point. The supposed goddess of wisdom was dressed simply in a short black skirt and a blue blouse. Her silvery blue hair was tied smoothly back into a ponytail at the nape of her neck, and the pair of tennis-ball glasses she wore made her eyes look positively insectoid.

"It is not the outside, but the inside that counts," Nayru said sagely.

"Alright. If you're a goddess, prove it," Nab demanded, crossing her arms.

Nayru grinned evilly. "Alright…" she said, snapping her fingers.

'Pop!'

A cloud of purple smoke engulfed the spirit sage. When it cleared, Nabooru had disappeared.

"Nabooru?" Mido gaped.

"Where'd she go?" Saria asked, her gaze darting wildly about the room.

"Down there," Nayru said, pointing.

The baffled trio followed her outstretched finger to find not the suave gerudo they knew, but a tiny siamese kitten who sat blinking in surprise.

"Mrowr?"

Everyone else stared.

"Welp, that's good enough for me." Mido chuckled nervously.

"Not ME!!!" roared an angry voice from behind Nayru. Everyone turned.

The mysterious blue lady had regained consciousness, and rose dramatically from the floor.

"As if the goddesses themselves would come down over such a simple trifle! You're probably just one of those author-characters!" she growled, pointing an accusatory finger at Nayru.

"There have been a lot of those hanging around lately…" Saria admitted.

"I am NOT an author! I'm the Goddess of Wisdom!"

"I'm an author!" said the author.

"Obviously." Saria rolled her eyes.

"But is SHE an author?" Impa asked, pointing to Nayru.

The Author looked Nayru up and down. "Nope."

"Oh. Okay then."

"I still don't believe it," the shadow demon snarled.

"Screw you," Nayru snapped at her. She turned to the others, "I'll hold this demon at bay. Go and meet the others. With the power of three, you will find the fourth door. Now go! Oh, and take this with you!" she hurriedly threw the encyclopedia to Saria.

Saria caught it. "Hey! She threw the book at me!" she exclaimed.

Mido groaned, and Nab bit Saria for that horrible joke.

"Ow!"

"Are you going to stand there all day or are you going to get going?" Nayru demanded.

"How shall we leave? The door disappeared," Impa pointed out.

"Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. A sheikah, of all people, I expected not to be fooled by such trickery. Now beat it!"

They obeyed, turning tail and running out of the strange palace.

Meanwhile, in a certain evil meadow of evilness…

Ganon stood hunched over, panting heavily. "Can't…run…anymore…" he wheezed, "…this is it, man! Game over, man!"

The grass snickered. Wait…did I read that right?!

"Oh shut up!" snapped an anonymous voice as a foot wearing a Nike shoe squished the grass.

Ganon looked up. "Moogle?"

"No, not moogle. Din."

"….."

"D-I-N. Goddess of Power. Your patron."

"…din?"

"Yes?"

"…loud noise?"

Din sighed heavily. "Forget it. He's too far gone."

The grass laughed evilly.

"Grrr…" Din growled, before proceeding to horribly mutilate the grass. She gave me an odd look.

"How the hell do you mutilate grass?"

I don't know. You're the one who did it.

Din made a face.

"Google?" asked Ganon.

"Ug…can't you even string together a full sentence?"

Ganon thought for a moment. "It is a baby carriage...from hell."

"…let's…just…start walking back toward the door."

Meanwhile, in a certain forest…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(gasp)AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Skullkid.

"Roar," said the wolfos.

"…now that's just sad," said a mysterious voice.

The wolfos looked around in confusion.

"Hi, I'm Farore, Goddess of Courage, and I'm here to kick your butt."

The wolfos's demonic eyes widened.

"BOOT TO THE HEAD!!!!!!!" Farore roared, and booted the wolfos to the head.

"Awoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!" The wolfos howled pathetically as it flew off into the distance.

With the shadow demon vanquished, the forest faded, revealing a small empty room in much the same style as the rest of the mansion. Farore took the skullkid (who was trying to run through the wall repeatedly) by the hand and led him to the door.

"Th-thanks for saving me, lady," he stuttered, "I don't know what's going on, but I'm getting out of here!" Having said this, he then bolted through door.

"Aww, he didn't even make an obscene comment about my skimpy clothing (Farore was bravely wearing nothing but a glittery green bikini, some leather gloves, and a pair of leather boots). Must be scared. Hey kid!" she shouted, "Take this with you!" and threw her boot after him.

"Wha- ? What would I need with a stinky old boot?" Skullkid asked, wrinkling his nose as he held it up.

He looked back in the room inquiringly, but the goddess had already disappeared.

Skullkid shrugged. "Oh well. At least I can freak out Saria with it. Hee hee…"

Let's check back on Din and Ganondorf, shall we?

"…and then the queen takes out a pistol! And it's not the king's pistol, either."

"Ok, that's it. Stop talking in complete sentences!"

"I've got a better idea! Why don't you both just stop existing?!!" snapped the grass.

"Arg…I thought I killed you!"

"Fool! You can never defeat the grass, never! NEV-VER!!!!"

"We'll see about that, foul capslock abuser!" the goddess snarled, whipping out a giant hammer.

"Uh-oh…"

"Hi-yah!" she cried, wholloping the grass with the hammer.

'Wham!'

The grass was smashed, but relatively intact. "h…ha…you cannot…"

'Wham!'

"…defeat…"

'Wham!'

"…the…"

'Wham!'

"…grass…"

'Wham!' 'Wham!' 'Wham!'

Din rested the end of the hammer against the ground, panting heavily from the effort of swinging it. "….." she said.

"….."said Ganon.

"….." said the grass.

"Phew. I guess that takes care of-"

"Hoiyah!!!" the grass exclaimed, springing back up with a funny 'boing' sound.

Din's eye twitched.

"Heeheeheehee!" the grass cackled.

"Aah!" Ganon screamed as he turned to run away.

Din caught him by the collar before he got any farther. "Oh no you don't. We're not finished yet."

"Oooh, whatcha gonna do now? Swear at me?"

"No. something much, much worse." She grinned, pulling out a bottle of Roundup.

The grass made a small eep sound. If it had eyes, they would have gone wide.

"Fuahahahaha!" Din laughed maniacally as she sprayed the deadly round-up all over the grass.

"…damn you…roundup…urk…" the grass wheezed, then died.

"Wahoo!" Din cheered.

"Remember kids, just pass on grass!" Ganon said.

Din made a face at him.

"What?"

Din said nothing, but clocked him over the head with the bottle of Roundup.

'Cong!'

"Ow!"

"Hey wait a minute…you're speaking coherently again! That must mean-"

Din looked around in excitement as the meadow faded around them.

"Wooooot! The shadow demon is vanquished!"

"Er…right…and who the hell are you exactly?" Ganon asked, eyeing her quizzically.

"Loud noise."

Ganon blinked, then raised an eyebrow.

"Just kidding. I'm Din, goddess of Power."

Ganon pondered this for a moment, looking her up and down. The goddess was dressed in sweatpants, a gray tank top, and stark white nike shoes. She also had sweatbands on her wrists and forehead to complete the anachronistic outfit. Not exactly what you'd expect the powerful Fire Goddess to be wearing.

"…_you're_ the goddess of power?" he repeated.

"That's what I said, isn't it? Why?"

"…suddenly the world makes a lot more sense."

Pause.

"_What's that supposed to mean?!_"

"Nothing!" he said hastily, making a run for the door.

"Get back here, you!" Din roared, chasing after him.

Meanwhile, back in the room with the three doors…

"Well, that was strange," Saria admitted.

"No kidding," Mido concurred.

"Mrowr."

Saria's gasped as she turned back to Nab. "Uh oh…"

"What?"

"Nayru forgot to change Nabooru back!"

Impa brought a hand to her mouth. "Oh dear…"

"Ha-ha!" Mido laughed Nelson-style, pointing to Nab.

Nab growled and sank her fangs into Mido's finger.

Mido made a funny choked noise and cradled his bleeding finger. "…ow…ok…I deserved that…"

At that moment, Skullkid entered from the door to the left. "Huh? Where'd Mido come from? And Impa? And Saria? And that cat?"

"It's a looooong story." Saria said.

"No it isn't," Impa said, and explained everything to him.

"I see. So…Nabooru's a cat now?"

"Yup."

Pause.

"Bwahahahahaha!!"

Nab scowled. "I hate you all," she was thinking.

"Me too. So what do we do now?" Ganon asked.

Saria did a double take. "Wha! Ganondorf?! Where'd you come from?"

"How long have you been standing there?" Impa demanded.

"Since Skullkid came in."

Impa narrowed her eyes. "I see…"

"Well, at least we finally found him. So what DO we do now?" Saria asked.

"I asked you first."

Saria rolled her eyes.

"Hmm…Nayru mentioned something about a fourth door…"

"…and the power of three. Plus, she gave us this." Saria said, holding up the encyclopedia.

"Really? The lady in green gave me this" said skullkid, holding up the stinky boot.

"Ewww!!" Nab, Mido and Saria all cried in unison. My, aren't they mature?

"Lovely." Ganon remarked dryly.

"Hey Ganondorf, did anyone give you anything?" Saria asked the warlord.

"Well Din appeared to me, but she didn't-"

He broke off as the third door opened with a loud creak, and a bottle of roudup flew out and hit him right between the eyes. The door then closed.

Ganon stood in silence for a moment, his eyes squeezed shut. "…ow…"

"Ah-ha!" Saria exclaimed triumphantly, scooping up the bottle of Roundup.

"Could these be the three Nayru spoke of?" Impa queried.

"Maybe. But what do we do with them?" Saria asked.

"Try putting them all together." Skullkid suggested, holding out the stinky boot to her.

Saria eyed it with distaste.

With a wrinkled nose, the brave little forest sage reached out and took the stinky boot.

"Ewwww…"

Then she touched all three items together, and with a brilliant flash of white light they all melded into a single object.

"A key?"

"Looks like it."

"So we have the key. Now where's the door?"

"Hmm…the only other door I see is the one we first came in through." Ganon observed.

"Maybe that's it? It's the only one with a lock…"

Saria hurried to the other side of the room, where the lone door stood sagging against the decaying wall. Placing the key in the lock, she turned it. With a sharp 'click', the key turned to the side. At first, nothing happened, so Saria took the key out.

"…think that did it?" Mido asked.

"We won't know until we open it. Hey Ganondorf, what was behind this door when you first came through?"

"That was the entrance hall, I think. Wasn't it?"

"Yeah, that's the door to the entrance hall." Skullkid agreed.

"Alright…well let's see what it leads to now."

The door opened with a loud 'creeeeaak', and beyond it lay a staircase. But this stairway was different from the rest of the house. The steps were carpeted, the wood in good repair. Not a cobweb was too be seen, and the walls were bereft of dust.

"Well guys, this must be it." Saria breathed.

And thus the six adventurers nervously ascended the grand stairway. At the top lay another door, colored gold and engraved with elaborate symbols. The door was locked, but Saria's key opened it. The room beyond was wreathed in darkness, and they could barely make out two figures standing before them. The door closed behind the group with an ominous thud, and one of the figures began to speak.

"Welcome, fair travelers. We've been expecting you."

With a snap of their fingers, the room lit up, revealing the two shadowy characters.

"Gasp!"

"It's- !"

Author: "Cliffhanger!"

"ARGGGH!!" screamed the tormented Readers.

"Hey, you already know who it is anyway." The author pointed out.

"But…but…"

"Off with you now! Go on! Review!"

"But…"

The Author broke out the puppy dog eyes.

The readers went all starry eyed, "Must…review…"


	15. Evil Unveiled

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina

A Fan Fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to Mr. Squiggles!!" the disclaimer cried, holding up a metroid.

Nintendo's lawyers did a double take. "Hey, wait a min-"

"SQUEEEEEEE!!!!" Mr. Squiggles shrieked, attacking the lawyers.

"Aaaaaaaah!!" the lawyers screamed, running away.

A/N: "Nyeh hyeh heh…another chapter has at last reached completion!"

Ganon gave the author a funny look.

The author noticed his stare. "What?"

"Nyeh hyeh heh?"

"It's my new signature evil laugh."

"…right…"

"Well you wouldn't let me use yours!"

"True."

"Anyway, I'd just like to point out that this is the last of the rewritten chapters. The next one will be totally new material. Woot! I'm almost to the end! Ha ha…oh, and I'd like to point out that I added a little bit to this one to make it longer. So, enjoy!"

Chapter 15: Evil Unveiled (A/N: Do not let the title mislead you. There is no stripping involved in this chapter.)

"Gasp!"

"It's- !"

"The muffin man!!" Skullkid exclaimed.

"What?! No! It's me, Zelda!!"

"Oh…so…no muffins?"

"No." Zelda said firmly. She turned to the group of mismatched heroes and heroines. "You may have escaped my shadow demons' illusions, but now you shall face an even greater horror! Prepare to face the wrath of…plan B!!!!"

"Does it involve giving us muffins?" Skullkid asked hopefully.

"No! Enough with the frickin' muffins already!!"

"Aw…I wanted a muffin."

"We gathered as much," Ganon remarked.

"You were behind all this? Zelda, how could you?!" Saria cried.

Zelda turned slowly to face the forest sage, her eyes twitching dangerously. "How could I? _How Could I?!!! HOW COULD I??!!!!_"

"Stop saying that! You sound like a broken record," Mido snapped.

"I think she _is_ broken," Ganon said, tapping his forehead meaningfully.

"Just answer the damn question," Saria snapped at Zelda.

Zelda clasped her hands and bowed her head, her eyes glaring evilly as she began to explain. "When Link refused to go back to his original time and accidentally killed the water sage, I realized that people are just too _stupid_ to do what's best for them. They just keep on making the _wrong_ choices for the _wrong_ reasons and they'll keep doing everything _wrong_ until they destroy themselves and everyone around them! So I decided to gather the pieces of the triforce together to form the truforce. With it, I will have the power to control _every_ single person's life, and I will make them do everything the _right_ way!! And no one can stop me!!! A-hahahahaha! A-HaHaHa! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Zelda was forced to pause her evil laughing to gasp for air.

"Talk about your control freaks…" Mido muttered to Saria. Saria nodded, her eyes wide.

"Oh, and I suppose you intend to simply waltz up and grab the Triforce pieces from Link and I?" Ganon sneered, rolling his eyes. Zelda's display of insanity, though somewhat disturbing, was more annoying than threatening to him.

Zelda folded her arms and glared daggers at him, having long ago given up on sneering. "Why, do you think you can stop me?" She tried to chuckle darkly, but she ended up pulling off a Waruto-esque giddy school girl giggle. Somewhat embarrassed, she cleared her throat and drew herself up as menacingly as she could. "Fool." She hissed. "I warned you that I would get you someday, Ganon, and that day has come! I will make you _pay_ for the humiliation you caused me!" she pointed an ominous finger at him, the intensity of her voice rising with every word. "You'll be _begging_ for death by the time I'm through with _you_! Prepare to feel the wrath of the soon-to-be, supreme, almighty, Zelda!! I…will KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!!!"

There was a moment of silence when the group stared at her, several of their lips quivering dangerously. Ganondorf snorted and tried to hide his smile behind his hand. Impa and Saria turned away, their eyes squeezed shut as they desperately tried to keep from smiling. Mido and Skullkid were positively shaking with pent-up mirth. Even Nab, in her kitty form, was bobbing her head with silent merriment. With a dejected sigh Zelda rolled her eyes and lowered her arm.

"Oh go ahead."

There was a series of loud thumps as everyone present fell to the ground laughing. Zelda alone remained standing, a vein ticking visibly in her pale forehead as their hoots and hollers of merriment drifted all around her. As the mirth continued, the second, still unrevealed shadowy figure got back up from the floor and stealthily snuck towards Ganondorf. The evil king was completely oblivious to this, as he was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe, much less notice anyone sneaking up on him. The shadowy figure then accidentally tripped over Nabooru and knocked right into Ganondorf, who still took no notice of him. Deciding that stealth was an obvious waste of effort, the figure marched right up to him, grabbed one of his legs, and dragged him away from the rest of the group.

Once the figure had him in the right place, he stepped back a few paces and signaled to Zelda. Now, Ganon may not have noticed someone sneaking up on him, or knocking into him, or dragging him along the floor by the leg, but for some reason he did notice the loud metallic clang that rang out a few seconds later. You can imagine his surprise when he looked up to find himself trapped in a cage which had just dropped down from the ceiling.

Zelda giggled. "See? I told you we could sufficiently distract them with that speech."

"Yes…but as I recall, you were expecting them to be frozen in terror, not laughter." The shadowy figure replied. Zelda scowled, but said nothing.

Ganondorf stood up and brushed himself off, calmly examining his prison. "Very clever, Zelda," he admitted, "but you do realize I can simply use magic to blast my way out of here?"

Zelda merely smiled. "Can you? Why don't you try it?"

Ganondorf paused, eyeing her warily. "You did something to it, didn't you? Something to neutralize my magic?"

Zelda continued smiling, saying nothing. Ganondorf sighed heavily, then turned his attention to the shadowy figure. "And who is your partner in crime over there?" he asked. The shadowy figure ominously stepped into the light. Ganon's eyes went from 0 to positively demonic in 1.5 seconds. "_YOU!!!"_

The Happy Mask Salesman chuckled, his voice slightly muffled by the horned purple mask he was wearing. "Still angry about him- I mean, me- copying your laugh, hmm? Ha ha ha…"

Meanwhile, the rest of the gang had finally stopped laughing.

"Phew…oh man that was funny…"

"My stomach hurts from laughing so hard."

"Hey what the- ?! Ganondorf, what happened?!" Everyone looked up at Saria's exclamation. They gasped upon seeing the evil king imprisoned, Zelda and HMS sniggering evilly next to his cage.

"Now, for the rest of you…" Zelda began, turning menacingly towards them.

Saria swallowed nervously. "Oh crap…he was the only guy with a weapo- wait! Impa! You have a sword, don't you?"

"No."

"Then what's that thing on your back?"

The sheikah attendant reached back and drew the object out of its scabbard to reveal…

"…a flyswatter?" Mido queried, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yes. You'd be surprised how bad they get up near the castle."

Saria groaned and slapped her forehead. "Doesn't anybody have ANY weapons?"

There was a moment of shuffling as they all looked.

Mido shrugged. "Nope."

"I'm afraid not." Impa sighed.

"Mrer?" Nab held up her claws.

"I have a peashooter," Skullkid announced, holding it up.

Saria glared dispassionately at them all. "…you're all useless."

"Hem hm hm…" Zelda…ah, either laughed or cleared her throat. I'm not sure. And now she's glaring at me.

"It's my new signature evil chuckle, you dolt!"

"…right…" Mido said, taking the words right out of my mouth.

"Hey Ganon!! Stop chasing that maniac and help us out over here!"

"Huh?" Zelda blinked, confused, and turned to look at the cage. It was empty. At about that moment HMS ran by, swiftly followed by a very angry looking king of evil. Zelda looked from them, to the cage, back to them, and back again to the cage. "How on earth did you get out?!" She demanded.

Ganon skidded to a stop long enough to smirk ingratiatingly at her. "I _am_ the king of thieves, you know. I wouldn't have gotten very far in life if I couldn't slip out of a simple trap like that."

HMS noticed Ganon was no longer chasing him, and halted as well, heaving a sigh of relief. Ganon grinned evilly as he noticed this. 'Twas an excellent opportunity to catch his target off guard, and he wasn't about to waste it.

'Thwack!'

"OW!!!"

The masked mask salesman staggered under the blow, and the sudden movement was the last straw for a few of the masks hanging on the outside of his sack. They popped free of their straps and bounced to the floor, several of them rolling in the direction of the gaggle of unarmed heroes.

"MROWR!"

Er…and heroines.

"Huh? What's this?" Mido wondered aloud, picking up a mask that strongly resembled the love child of a dog and a pig. "Looks like some kind of pig…"

Saria glanced over, her eyes widening as she recognized it. "Mido! Quick, put it on!" She commanded.

"Wha-? Why-?"

"Just do it!"

"'kay." He shrugged, and put it on. "Now what?"

Skullkid's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. "Uh…Mido? Look down."

Mido looked. He didn't notice anything odd at first, just the red carpeted floor and Nab (who was currently twisted in some impossible position and licking herself). Wait…was he…taller than Saria?! He looked down at himself. "What the hell?!! I'm…I'm…"

"Congratulations! You've just transformed into Ganondorf!"

"WHAT?!!" Ganon roared, spinning around to get a view of his look-a-like.

"Cool! Check out this big ass sword!" he said ecstatically, swinging it.

Saria, Impa, Zelda, and Skullkid all ducked with a scream of "AH!"

"Be careful with that!!" Saria scolded him.

"Hey, I want to do that!" Skullkid said as he picked up another mask. He put it on and looked down. The Skullkid was disappointed to see nothing but a rather plump body stuffed in blue overalls with a red shirt.

"Wha? What the heck am I?"

Mido looked over at Skullkid. "…buahahahahahahaha!!"

"Aw shaddup. Seriously, what am I?"

"Hmm…it says "M" on your cap. Does that mean anything?"

"Aw what's it matter…I'm just some fat loser. Why couldn't I become something cool, like Mido? He has all the luck…"

Zelda grinned evilly. "I can help with that…" she said, and shot magic at skullkid.

"What the- AGH!!!!"

The others could only watch in horror as skullkid transformed into a giant-

"_MUFFIN?!!"_

Zelda shrugged. "I had them on the brain."

Ganon rolled his eyes. "Wow. A muffin. How terrifying."

"Hey, Ganon!" HMS called.

"Huh- mmph!!"

Ganondorf turned his head only to be cut short as the Happy mask salesman stuffed a mask onto his face. In no time at all the former king of evil had transformed into- of all creatures- a small white rabbit. The rabbit blinked, utterly baffled with this recent turn of events. When Saria, who had heard the mask salesman's cry as well, turned around to see what happened, she took one look at Ganondorf and…burst out laughing.

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!"

"What? What's so funny?" Mido asked.

"Hee hee…(snicker) it's (snort) bunny-Ganon!!" she managed to gasp out.

Mido raised an eyebrow. Saria pointed, and everyone looked.

"…buahahaha!!"

The gerudo-turned-rabbit scowled to the best of its lapin ability.

"Yes, I admit it is quite amusing," HMS chuckled, "But if you'll excuse us…" he trailed off, scooping up bunny-Ganon in his arms.

Zelda cocked her head thoughtfully. "Hm. Why didn't you do that in the first place, instead of making me utterly humiliate myself so we could use the cage?"

HMS shrugged, "Your misery amuses me."

She scowled.

Pointedly ignoring her, HMS turned to the others. "So long, suck-AGH!!!" He screamed as Ganon bit into his fingers. (A/N: Have you ever been bitten by a rabbit? Those suckers _hurt_!!!)

Sniggering, the princess flew over to the happy mask salesman, and the two of them (accompanied by a wildly struggling bunny-Ganon) disappeared in a flash of light. Skullkid, still in his giant muffin form, also vanished.

"Oh great…now what?" Saria asked.

"With Ganondorf in their power, they've only one more triforce piece left to capture," reflected Impa.

"Then that means…Link!" Saria gasped at the realization.

"We must get to him before they do!"

"He was in the group going to Lake Hylia, right? Let's hurry!"

And off they went. And the chapter was finished. And it sucked mightily.

A/N: "What?! What do you mean it sucked? That was a good chapter!! Albeit a short one…"

But it was so…totally random.

The Author glared at me.

What?

"Bunny-Ganon?"

Bunny Ganon flew at me and bit my head off. Literally. Damn you and your Monty Python references…

Ganon held up a sign that read: "Review Dammit!!"

Or he'll come after YOU!

The author broke out her puppy-dog eyes, "Pweeze?" she cooed.


	16. Party Crashers

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Author's note: (gasp) "I'M NOT DEAD!!"

"We'll see about that!" Nintendo's lawyers exclaimed menacingly.

O.O "Uh…shouldn't it be the disclaimer you're mad at?"

"We can't seem to find the disclaimer."

"I see…well in that case…bunny Ganon!"

Ganon held up a sign that read: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to the muffin man."

Nintendo's lawyers glared at him.

Ganon scratched something out, wrote something, and held up a revised sign that read: "Zelda and all related indicia belong in an insane asylum"

Nintendo's lawyers shrugged. "Close enough." They turned to the author. "But you still have to die."

"Aw, man…"

Chapter 17: Party Crashers

Another fork of lightning lit the sky. Link stood by the window, watching the rain stream down the glass. He folded his arms, his eyes narrowing.

"She's out there, Dark. I can feel it."

His shadow-turned-brother stepped out of the shadows to join him by the window.

"Hope she's got an umbrella."

Link rolled his eyes.

"Can't you be serious for a minute?"

"Nah. That's your job."

Link scowled, turning back to the window.

"So who's she, exactly?"

"You know who."

"If I did, why would I be asking?"

"No, no, that's her name. You know who."

"…I beg your pardon?"

At that moment, the door burst open with an ominous bang. A dark silhouette stood framed in the doorway, and even the sudden flash of lightning could not pierce the darkness that encompassed it. It entered the room slowly, every footstep making a squishy sort of 'glomph' noise. Dark made to step back, but Link stopped him. "Relax, she's just making an entrance."

Dark nodded, but eyed the stranger uncertainly. The figure stepped into the light, revealing itself to be a rather bedraggled, dripping wet, young woman with a pizza box.

"Tha's fify rupees" she slurred.

"_Fifty_ rupees for a pizza?! That's outrageous!" Dark exclaimed.

"Actually, that's a good deal. Even bottled fish won't go for less than a hundred nowadays." Link replied as he handed over the money.

She briskly dropped the pizza box-which seemed oddly heavy- into his hands and glomphed back out the door, slamming it behind her. Link handed the box to Dark while he fumbled to put his wallet away. Dark cocked an eyebrow.

"Hey, I thought all your stuff disappeared."

"Nah, just the things on the items subscreen"

"The what?"

"Um…I mean, everything but my wallet, the medallions, my heart containers, my quiver-although the bow's missing, my bomb bag-which is empty, my gauntlets, my swords and shields, my tunics, and my zora's scale."

"Huh. Weird." Dark murmured as he gently set the box down on the table. Link was about to join him when he stopped suddenly and slapped his forehead.

"D'oh! I forgot to give her a tip! And after she had to go out in the rain and everything- I'll be right back. Go ahead and start without me." That said, Link turned and bolted from the room.

Dark watched him go, then shook his head. "Yeesh, even when he's evil he's nice. Ah well." Licking his lips in anticipation, he opened the pizza box. You can imagine his surprise when princess Zelda shot out of it and walloped him over the head with a hammer, effectively knocking him out.

"Vuahaha! The triforce of courage is mine!!" she roared triumphantly, apparently unaware of who it was that she had just captured.

Meanwhile, Link raced down the hall in hot pursuit of the pizza lady, a ten rupee tip clutched in his hand. He screeched to a stop as he turned a corner and spotted her at the end of it. What had stopped him was the fact that the woman had just pulled her hair and face off, revealing herself to really be a man with a wig and a mask. But not just any man, mind you. It was the Happy Mask Salesman! Link stared at the deranged shopkeeper, who was now chatting animatedly with some small furry creature in a cage on the floor. He rubbed his eyes and blinked a lot, but the scene did not change. He crept closer, until he could hear what the Mask Salesman was actually saying.

"…quite an ingenious plane, wasn't it?"

The animal in the cage, which turned out to be a small white rabbit, actually seemed to be glaring at him in response.

"It was all _my_ idea, of course, though that arrogant princess will undoubtedly take all the credit."

Link's heart leapt into his throat at the word "princess". Could it be? The lunatic had found him? He shuddered as he remembered the madness he'd seen in her eyes when last they had met. The mask salesman, who had been droning on all the while, suddenly said something very peculiar.

"Well I say! Is that your paw glowing? Why that's the triforce mark, isn't it? And here I thought you'd have to be closer to one of the bearers in order for it to react. Unless- _she _hasn't got back yet, has she?" The mask salesman stood up abruptly and looked around. Link ducked behind a nearby Waruto statue to avoid detection, suddenly very glad of his boss's vanity. When he thought it safe again he peeked out at the pair, just in time to see the mask salesman sigh in relief and the bunny roll its eyes. It caught sight of him and froze, its ears sticking straight up. The mask salesman, unfortunately, caught sight of this.

"What is it? Is she there?!" He whirled, and Link barely managed to duck back in time.

"No…no she's not…you're playing with me aren't you? Pretending to see her when you really haven't…? But wait…you're awfully quick to agree, aren't you? You really did see something, didn't you! And now you're trying to hide it from me so I get in more trouble! You despicable beast! Why she's- she's hiding behind one of these statues, isn't she? ISN'T SHE?!!"

Link felt oddly calm as he watched the man dart from statue to statue, growing nearer and nearer to his hiding place. He shook his head sadly. This guy had really lost it since they'd last met.

Now let us switch for a moment to the rabbit's point of view. It watched with a certain feeling of trepidation as the mask salesman drew closer to where it had seen Link, its ears drooping down against its head. But then as he reached a certain statue, the mask salesman suddenly stopped, his eyes wide. He stepped back a bit, and the rabbit noticed a glint of metal at his throat. He backed up further, and Link came into view, stepping calmly out from behind the statue. Their voices drifted softly down the corridor, and the rabbit had to strain its enormous ears to hear.

"Link?! What on earth are you doing here?"

"Not exactly who you were expecting, eh? Heh heh…"

The rabbit cringed. He was a heh short, but still…

"I repeat, what on earth are you doing here? Shouldn't you be upstairs eating that yummy pizza you ordered?"

Link cooly raised an eyebrow. "Why, I forgot your tip. And after you had to fight your way through the rain and everything…you still want it, don't you?"

The mask salesman seemed to relax as he replied eagerly, "Why yes, of course!"

"Good. Then here it is." And with that, Link promptly knocked him over the head with his sword hilt, and the mask salesman crumpled to the floor. "Bloody lunatic…" he muttered, putting his sword away. His attention then turned to the rabbit. He trotted over and knelt to get a better look at it. "Poor thing…" he murmured as he went to open the cage door. As he lifted the animal out of the cage, he couldn't help but notice that its right paw was glowing. Upon examining it, he was surprised to discover the mark of the triforce of power inscribed there. "How on earth?!!" he exclaimed. He looked from the rabbit, to the unconscious Happy Mask Salesman, to the rabbit again, and a sudden light of understanding shone in his eyes. "I wonder…did he…? Well, let's find out. Now how did she do it again? Oh that's right." He set the animal on the floor, gripped the sides of its face, and pulled. There was a blinding flash of blue light, and Link toppled to the floor, a rabbit mask in his hands. Opposite him, Ganondorf Dragmire stumbled down to the ground as well, wincing as he crashed against the cage. Link groaned and rubbed his back, then looked up at the former rabbit.

"It is you!!"

"Yes, it's me. Boo hiss and all that. How'd you figure out how to reverse the effect of those bloody masks?"

"Oh, Waruto showed me. Notice how I'm not a girl anymore."

"Yes, I saw that." He paused, "who the heck is Waruto?"

"Ruto's evil twin. She's the one who was invading Lake Hylia with the dancing scarecrows."

"I see…" He muttered as he stumbled to his feet, rubbing the part where the cage had hit him.

"Hey, wait! Is Zelda really here or is that guy just insane?" He pointed to the Happy Mask Salesman.

"Oh she's here alright. She was in the pizza box that guy gave you."

"In the pizza- ?! Oh shit, Dark!!" and with that, Link bolted back in the direction he'd come. Ganondorf hesitated a moment, then followed.

"Who on earth is Dark?" Ganon asked as they ran.

"Why, he's the twisted creature of shadow that embodies everything dark and evil about my soul, of course!"

Ganon stared at Link. He stared so long and hard that he ran into a statue because he wasn't watching where he was going.

'Kong!'

"Ooh…that had to hurt…"

"Ow…and what exactly are you rushing off to do?" Ganon asked once he'd picked himself up off the ground.

"Save him from Zelda. I left him with that box of pizza, you see, and she'll probably mistake him for me and…" he gulped, "release her wrath upon him."

"And you care…why?"

"Because he's my friend! And Waruto would probably get really mad if my partner died…"

"Wait…the twisted creature of shadow that embodies everything dark and evil about you soul is your friend _and_ your partner?! How the hell does that work out?!"

"Because I'm evil."

"Since when?"

"Oh, a good couple of hours now."

"Indeed. And what convinced you to join the dark side?"

"Waruto just asked me, and I thought it might be fun so I went along with it."

"…so you mean, all I had to do to make you join me was _ask_?!"

"Yup."

"…damn. Wish I had known that sooner."

"Yup."

Meanwhile, Waruto sat in the banquet hall, overseeing the feast. Link and Dark had both expressed an extreme dislike of formal occasions, so she had let them go order a pizza while she celebrated her victory with the rest of her minions. The feast was going well, despite the fact that Link's two strange friends were eating most of the food, until suddenly out of nowhere a giant muffin appeared and landed heavily in the center of the table. All manner of eating, drinking, and being merry halted abruptly as every pair of eyes in the hall turned towards it.

"What the heck is that?!" Waruto exclaimed.

"Language," Iukyxu chided.

"What the hell is that?!" Waruto corrected herself.

She was about to find out. The muffin shuddered visibly, and then the many blueberries dotting its exterior (for it was a blueberry muffin) actually _opened_ to reveal themselves not as harmless giant berries, but eyes! The many eyes glared at the surrounding company, and the muffin trembled tremendously as four spidery thin leg-like appendages burst from its sides. The muffin drew itself to its full height, opening a gap between its top and bottom portions to reveal one-inch thick, razor sharp, silver teeth; and roared Godzilla-style. Iukyxu stared in a very un-evil manner, Waruto made a small "eep" sound in her throat, and there was a series of thumps as several scarecrows and tektites fell to the ground in a dead faint.

"…Nyx?" Waruto called weakly.

"What ho?" the black tektite answered immediately.

"…go find Dark and Link, and tell them to get their lazy asses over here immediately!!!"

Meanwhile, just outside the banqueting hall, a shimmer of blue light swirled into the room. It congealed in a small tornado of blue sparks-

"SHINY!! Shiny shiny shiny shiny shiny!!!!" Um…just ignore the author. She's obsessed with all manner of things sparkly and shiny. Anyways, the tornado subsided in a flash of light as the form of Mido (still in his Ganondorf body) materialized on the warp stone.

"Aww! You made the shiny go away!!"

Mido peered at the author curiously, then wisely chose to ignore her as he turned his attention to his surroundings. In case you haven't guessed by now, the sages had taught him the serenade of water so that he could warp to the lake quickly while they used their sage-magic to fly after him. They had told him he would appear on an island in the center of the lake, so naturally he was very confused to find himself in a room surrounded by stone walls with a tree sticking out of the marble floor and a pair of large ornate doors to his left. He paused as his eyes caught the doors. Was it his imagination, or had he heard something on the other side? Warily he approached and put his ear to the wood. He was horrified to observe the unmistakable sound of screams drifting in from the other side, and he backed up a few paces as he continued to eye the door. Should he play the hero, and burst in to see what was wrong? Or should he follow the wiser, more cowardly path, and simply run like hell in the other direction? The decision was made for him a moment later when the doors burst open and a black tektite scuttled into view in front of him. The tektite froze when it caught sight of him.

"…Ganondorf?!"

"What? Where?" Mido looked around wildly for a moment before he remembered the mask he was wearing. "Oh- oh no, I'm not Ganondorf."

"…thou art not?"

"Nope. See?" he held up his hand for the tektite to see his lack of Triforce-mark-ness.

"Oh. Curses. Hast thou seen Link? I must finde him immediately…"

"No. I'm looking for him, actually. Do you know where he is?"

"I canne not be sure, but I thinke I mightst."

"I'll go with you then."

And thus Mido went with Nyx to go find Link and Dark.

Meanwhile, in the highest room of the tallest tower…

"Oh, my love! May you awaken from the foul witch's curse with this, true love's first kiss! Mmm…" said a random prince as he bent down and kissed the sleeping princess. Her eyes fluttered open, and she frowned slightly as he pulled away.

"…you need a mint."

o.O …ok, in the highest room of the _second_ tallest tower…

"Vuahahaha! With Link in my grasp, now all three pieces of the Triforce are mine! Hem hm hm…"

"Honestly, couldn't you have done any better than hem hm hm? You sound like that Umbridge woman from Harry Potter! (A/N: Which I don't own, by the way)"

"Oh shut up, Majora."

The mask scowled at her from its perch on the table, but said nothing.

"Now re-establish that remote-control possession of the Happy Mask Salesman and have him bring Ganon over here."

The mask closed its brilliant green and orange eyes as it concentrated. For a moment it lay there, unmoving. Then its brow furrowed. Then it began trembling with the effort of its concentration.

"Something wrong?" Zelda asked.

The mask's eyes shot open, its pupils narrowed in panic.

"I…I can't!"

"What? What do you mean you can't? It was working just fine a few minutes ago!"

"I know, but now when I reach out for his mind I can only see darkness, as if…as if he were…unconscious…"

Zelda turned away, her expression worried. Why did her plans have to fall apart _now_, when she was _so_ close to her goal? It just wasn't fair!

"Mmmh…?"

Zelda and Majora turned to look at Dark, who was just waking up. You can imagine his surprise to find himself bound and gagged to a chair.

"Mph?!"

Zelda giggled evilly as she slunk up to the bound and bewildered former shadow demon.

"Have a nice nap, Linky?" she cooed.

Dark blinked in surprise. _Linky…?_

"Are you _sure_ that's him, Zelda? I mean, I don't remember his hair being that color, and his eyes…" Dark stared at Majora. _Did that mask just…talk?_

"Oh of _course_ it's him! He was probably just trying to disguise himself- and not very well, I might add." _And…and she's talking back to it…_

"Mmpht hmm hmmp mm mmphtmm mhmm?"

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"MMPHT HMM HMMP MM MMPHTMM MHMM?!!"

"One more time."

Dark spit out the gag and barked: "I _said:_ What the hell is going on?!!"

"Ooh, that's right, you've been rather out of the loop recently, haven't you? Well you see, basically I'm trying to round up all the pieces of the Triforce so I can get the Truforce and controls everybody's lives. Oh, and I'm evil, by the way."

"I see…"

Dark was about to ask about the mask when suddenly, the door burst open, only to slam into the wall and rebound (as the doors in Waruto's fortress have a tendency to do), slamming shut right in the face of the person who'd kicked it open.

"Ow!" Link exclaimed in a hilariously squeaky, high-pitched voice as he gingerly rubbed his nose. "Now I know how Rauru felt…"

Ganondorf snickered, stepped around the injured hero and opened the door like a normal person.

"Hel-looooo Zelda!" He grinned, letting the door fall shut behind him. Link was still nursing his nose out in the hallway, and neither Zelda nor Majora caught sight of him before the door closed.

"Ganondorf?! What- why- how did you- ?!"

"Surprised to see me like this, eh? Heh heh heh. It is dangerous to underestimate me, princess," he warned, wagging his finger at her. Being turned into a bunny had put him in a particularly evil mood, and he had every intention to toy with Zelda until she went mad with frustration. Er…mad_der_, that is.

"Well," she huffed, narrowing her eyes at him, "You may have escaped two of our traps, but as they say, third time's the charm!" and with that, she whipped out the megaton hammer and struck a fighting stance. Ganondorf raised an eyebrow, then shook his head and said, laughing, "You never learn, do you?"

Zelda glared at him and was about to retort when the door burst open yet again. This time however Link had the foresight to catch the door with his hands before it slammed back in his face.

"We meet again, Zelda!" He proclaimed evilly as he stepped around the door and let it close behind him.

Zelda gaped open-mouthed at him, then turned around to look back at Dark, then turned back to him, back to Dark, and finally back again to him.

"How in blazes…?" She exclaimed.

At this point I should point out that Link had been doing more than just nursing his nose in the hallway, he had also been taking advantage of the services of a nearby telephone booth. He was now dressed all in black, with red contacts and a black wig. He looked exactly like Dark.

"Link…?" Ganon ventured uncertainly.

"Close, but no cigar," 'Link' said with a wink.

"Then who are you?" Zelda demanded.

Link laughed evilly, "Tremble, mere mortals, for I am Dark Link, the twisted incarnation of darkness that embodies everything black and evil about the Hero of Time's heart, and I'm here to extricate my better half!" He gestured to Dark as he mentioned this last part.

Ganondorf caught on immediately, and had to fight to hide a smirk as Zelda burst out in confusion: "Wait a minute! If you're the twisted incarnation of darkness that embodies everything black and evil about the Hero of Time's heart, why would you want to help him?"

"Because he's my partner," Link replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Zelda blinked. "How the heck does that work?!"

"Oh, did I forget to tell you? I'm evil now." Piped up Dark, who had also caught on to Link's plan.

"Oh really," Zelda said, raising an eyebrow at him, "Since when?"

"Since Waruto asked him to join us," Link answered for him.

"That would explain why he's here in Waruto's fortress," reflected Majora.

Link blinked and looked around for the source of the voice.

"Who said that?" he asked.

"I did!"

Link traced the voice over to the table, where he spied Majora's mask. "What the? A talking mask?"

"And an _evil_ one, mind."

"Riiiiiiight…"

"Wait a minute! That's the mask the happy mask salesman was wearing when you two attacked us in the forest!!" Ganon exclaimed.

Link blinked, turned, and stared at Ganon.

"Long story. But before I explain, what say we beat the living sht out of Zelda here?"

Link grinned evilly. "Fine by me."

Link drew his sword and shield while Ganon snapped his fingers, making the sword he had from Super Smash Brothers Melee appear in his hand. Zelda gulped and tightened her grip on the megaton hammer as the two struck fighting poses.

Fortunately for her, the door burst open yet again, and (after it hit the wall and smacked the person who'd kicked it open in the face) who should be revealed to be walking into the room nursing his abnormally large nose than-

"Ganondorf?!" Zelda shrieked.

"What the- ?!" Majora gaped.

"How in the heck...?!!" Dark trailed off, his mouth hanging open.

Link blinked. "Ok, even I'm confused now."

"You could have warned me about that!" Mido (for it was Mido, still wearing the Ganon mask) snapped at the black tektite scuttling in behind him, his voice abnormally high-pitched.

Poor Zelda was _really_ confused now. She looked from Mido, to Ganondorf, back to Mido, back to Ganondorf, to Mido again, until finally she just set the head of the megaton hammer on the floor and clutched her head in her hands.

"You people make my brain hurt," she whined.

Majora looked Mido up and down inquisitively. "Don't tell me…you're Dark Ganon, the twisted incarnation of darkness that embodies everything black and evil about the King of Evil's heart?"

Mido looked around shifty-eyed. "Maaaaaaybe…"

A/N: "Dang. Couldn't think of a good cliffhanger for this chapter."

"Yaaaaaay!" exclaimed the readers.

"DIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!" screamed Nintendo's lawyers.

"Disclaimer, where are you?!!!" cried the Author as she ran away from Nintendo's bloodthirsty lawyers.

"Now go review!" Mido ordered the readers.

"What the- ?! Hey, that's my job!" protested Ganon.

"But I am you!"

"No you're not! You just look like me!"

"Oh."


	17. Final Fantasy Parody Time!

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A Fan fiction by RebelX

Author's note: "The disclaimer is still now where to be found, so, Nintendo and all related indicia belong to Zelda. All Final Fantasy characters and such belong to SquareSoft. Some guy owns Clorox Disinfectant wipes, and I hope he uses them well. Also, just to review, 'text' are sound effects and music, number is an amount of damage done by an attack, and text is an internal conversation between Zelda and Majora. And for some reason whenever I have a question mark and an exclamation point together, it keeps deleting the question mark, so some of the shouted questions only have exclamation points. Damn quick edit..."

Nintendo's lawyers suddenly appear wielding butcher knives and screaming "DIEEEEE!"

The author runs away yelling "may the Final Fantasy be with you!" over her shoulder.

Chapter 17: The Great Chapter of Final Fantasy Parodies!

"Where the heck is he!" Saria roared in frustration. She, Impa, and kitty Nabooru had been wandering around Waruto's fortress for hours in search of their cohort Mido, but the little Kokiri-turned-gerudo was nowhere to be found.

"What I would like to know is, why is that tree sticking out of the ground?" Impa queried. Yes, the sagely trio had finally happened upon the room outside the banquet hall, though they had not yet noticed the Triforce pedestal and therefore did not realize that this was where the island used to be.

"And while we're at it, who in their right mind builds a fortress in the middle of a lake?"

"I do!"

Saria jumped a little, looking around wildly for the voice. She turned to behold a panting Waruto struggling to hold the door to the banqueting hall closed.

"What the…Ruto!"

The fishy warlord froze, her eyes growing bugeyed.

"Agh!" She screamed, clutching her…uh…"ears",

"Never mention that name in my presence!"

Unfortunately, clutching her head made her let go of the door, and the doors burst open for a fraction of a second before she remembered to push them closed again.

Saria stood gaping open mouthed at what she had just seen beyond the door.

"Was that…!" she exchanged glances with a similarly surprised Impa, "A giant muffin!"

The two sages looked back at the door and exclaimed at the same time, "Skullkid!"

"Skull-what?"

"Here- let it through! I think we should be able to stop it." Saria ordered. Waruto looked back at her like she was insane, but the little forest sage took no notice and instead turned to Impa, "If we combine our sagely powers, we just might be able to transform him back!"

Impa shook her head, "I think we'll need more power than just the two of us. We couldn't even transform Nabooru back, how do we know we'll be able to have any effect on Skullkid?"

"Did you say…sagely powers?" Waruto asked suddenly.

"Yes, why?"

"Because there are two guys in there that were calling themselves sages…two really fat, weird looking guys that wolfed down food like nothing I've ever seen."

"Rauru and Darunia!"

"Yeah, I think those are their names."

Saria turned excitedly to Impa, "We have to get to them! Hey you, are they still in there?"

"Of course! They're trying some cock-a-ninny plan to barrel the monster down or something…that's why I'm here keeping it in locked in the banqueting hall."

"Oh no! We can't let them kill Skullkid! Let us in, quick!"

Waruto shrugged her shoulders, but obeyed. No sooner had she stepped aside and allowed the doors to burst open when a brown blur that could only be Darunia came rocketing through the muffin. Fortunately, the muffin had reared up on its spidery legs and roared at the exact moment when Darunia reached it, so the goron wound up sailing through the air underneath the muffin without touching it at all and crashed into the opposite wall. Darunia unrolled and rubbed his head, looking a little dazed from the impact.

"That didn't do it? Damn…" he muttered.

"Darunia! Listen, that giant muffin is really skullkid! We have to combine our powers to turn him back, quick!" Darunia turned to Saria and blinked.

"Saria? How'd you get here? Oh- Watch Out!"

But the goron's warning came too late, and the giant skullkid-turned-muffin promptly gobbled up Saria. Impa, Darunia, and Waruto watched in horror as the muffin seemed to chew for a little, then let out a little burp.

"You ate Saria! You bastard!"

The muffin froze suddenly, trembling a little on its spidery limbs. Its "eyes" squeezed shut, its mammoth form withering, and suddenly a tiny little fist poked out from the top of the muffin, followed by the tiny form of Saria. She climbed out of the hole she had made and calmly jumped to the floor while the muffin just sort of collapsed behind her.

"S-saria! How'd you do that!" Darunia exclaimed in awe. Saria looked at him oddly and shrugged.

"It's a _muffin_." She pointed out. (A/N: SO stole that joke from the Simpsons)

"Ok…let's turn him back now." Impa suggested. Then Saria, Impa, Darunia, and Nabooru all put their hands/paws forward as they concentrated, lights the color of their elements condensing around them. Four beams of colored light shot from their hands/paws and struck the muffin, who shrieked and writhed in midair for a moment before turning into a very confused Skullkid. They released their magic, and he clattered to the floor with a muffled "oof!"

"Yay! We did it!" Saria exclaimed cutely, jumping up and down in the same victory dance Wind Waker Link uses.

"Unn…wha? Where are we? What happened? I can't remember a thing."

"It's a long story…we'll explain it later."

"Yeah, we have to find Mido and Link before Zelda gets to them."

"Oh, are you more friends of Link?" Waruto asked.

"yeah, do you know where he is?"

"Highest room of the second tallest tower, which is down that hall there, third staircase on the left. Can't miss it."

"Thanks! C'mon, guys!"

Saria, Impa, and Nab all made for the hall, but Darunia skidded to a stop and looked back.

"Wait a sec!" He raced to the banqueting hall doors and poked his head inside.

"Rauru!" He called.

The sage of light, who was currently wolfing down the remains of the banquet, stopped shoving food in his mouth long enough to look up at him.

"What?" he asked.

"We gotta go!"

"Aw…oh well."

Rauru shoved a couple turkeys and pies in a sac for later snacking, and waddled over to Darunia. Together, the five sages ran off to find the highest room of the second tallest tower.

"Hey guys? Why is there a hole in my head?" Skullkid's departing voice drifted down the hallway to reach Waruto, who snickered into her hand and entered the banqueting hall to supervise clean-up.

Meanwhile, in the very place they were rushing off to find…

"What do you mean, 'maybe'? You're not my evil twin!" Ganon barked.

"W-well…you never know! I just might be your long lost evil twin, and you just don't know about me."

"Mido, you are not my evil twin."

"Aww, how'd you know it was me?"

Ganondorf glared at him, "I saw you put on the mask, genius, and there aren't that many people running around looking like me!"

No sooner had he uttered those words then three Ganondorf look-a-likes walked out of a nearby wall, crossed the room, and jumped out the window. Ganondorf blinked several times and stared in the direction of the window.

"…did anyone else see that?" he asked.

"Yes, but I wish I hadn't. I have a big enough headache as it is." Zelda moaned, leaning heavily against the handle of the megaton hammer.

Link caught sight of the hammer she was holding and exclaimed "Hey! That's my megaton hammer!"

Dark groaned and rolled his eyes while Ganon slapped his forehead.

"Hey! What're you slapping my forehead for?"

No no, I mean he slapped his own forehead.

"Oh."

"You know, I _should _slap you just for misinterpreting that expression."

"Wait…_your_ megaton hammer?" Majora exclaimed.

"W-well…I…I mean…actually it's not mine, it's the hero of time's…and I'm just…uh…saying that…to confuse you…yeah…"

Zelda narrowed her eyes at the stuttering Hylian, "You never were very good at keeping up a charade, Link."

Link moaned and drooped his head, then seemed to shake himself and looked up to glare at her. "Well, what's it matter anyways? You think you can take me and Ganondorf on all by yourself? I'd like to see you try!"

"That's 'Ganondorf and I', and for your information I would not be all by myself!"

"Oh? And who's going to help you, Mido?"

"No…him!" she roared, pointing dramatically at Majora. Link raised an eyebrow at her while Ganon fought to hide a chuckle.

"You…you're going to get _a mask_ to help you?" Ganon said, his barely contained laughter leaking into his incredulous voice.

"That's an _evil mask_, mind you!" Majora snapped.

Dark rolled his eyes. "Hey, you guys want to untie me so I can help you beat the crap out of these idiots?"

"Oh no you don't! The last thing we need is another person to fight against!" Zelda exclaimed, and with a snap of her fingers a pink crystal materialized around Dark, chair and all, and lifted him up into the air.

"Alright, that's it! You've copied me for the last time, princess!" Ganon roared, lunging at her with his sword raised to strike. Zelda gasped and somehow managed to grab Majora and stuff him onto her face before raising the megaton hammer to block the blow.

Surprisingly, she was able to hold her own against Ganondorf, and the two stood for a moment with their weapons locked, neither able to gain ground.

"What the hell? He's at least twice her size! How is she holding her ground against him!" Link exclaimed.

"Ha ha ha, fools! You all laughed at me, but what you don't know is that I am an ancient mask of terrible power! Tremble at my might, mere mortals!" Majora boomed, and with a roar of effort Zelda actually managed to force Ganon backwards, breaking the standoff. The gerudo king was taken by surprise at this, and didn't recover his wits fast enough to dodge her next attack. The hammer connected squarely with his shoulder with a sickening crunch sound, and Ganon cried out in pain as he was barreled over to the side by the force of the blow. The wounded king clutched his shattered shoulder, gasping for breath from where he lay on the floor.

"Holy !#!# that hurt…" he groaned. Zelda's foot did not help matters as it pressed into the middle of his back, forcing him against the floor.

"Who's laughing now, hmm?"

"I am! Tee hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

Zelda stared at Mido.

"What?" he asked.

"Hy-ah!" Ganon, who had been healing his shoulder with magic while Zelda was distracted, sprung up from the ground, making her lose her balance and tumble to the floor instead. Ganon grinned evilly as he pressed his blade against the white flesh of her throat.

"Checkmate."

"That's got to be the quickest battle I've ever seen." Link remarked, idly scratching his head.

"What do you expect? It's _Zelda_." Ganon pointed out. Zelda took advantage of his distraction, kicking the sword out of his hands. The blade flipped up in the air a couple times, then as it came down Zelda caught it by the hilt and pointed it triumphantly at Ganon's throat as she stood up.

"Ha!"

"…ok, you have to admit, that was a pretty impressive move." Link pointed out.

Ganon rolled his eyes, "Would you stop making editorial comments and help me out over here?"

"What's the matter? You don't need _help_, do ya Ganny? After all, it's only _Zelda_." Majora cooed mockingly.

Ganon glared at him, but the metal biting into his neck induced him to remain silent.

Zelda snickered, "Yes, we're not so confident now, are we? Hem hm hm…emmm…Majora, I think I see what you mean about my laugh needing work."

Mido leaned over and whispered in Link's ear, "_Should_ we help him out?"

"Nah…this is far too entertaining."

Ganon glared over at the pair of them while Zelda snickered again. Little did they know a plan was forming in his sly gerudo mind at that very moment.

"Oh, Zelda?"

"Hmm?"

"Before you get any more caught up in your mocking, there is something I should tell you about my sword."

"And what's tha- gyAAAGGH!" she screamed as the hilt in her hands suddenly burned white-hot. She promptly dropped the sword and shook her hands wildly.

"It burnssssss usssss, precioussssss!" Majora screamed.

Ganon merely smiled and bent down to pick up the sword.

Zelda glared at him, cradling her burnt hands to her chest.

Suddenly, the door burst open…

'Clang!'

"Ow!"

And, as usual, rebounded off the wall and slammed shut right in the person who kicked it open's face.

"I warned you." Rauru said.

"Shaddup." Darunia snapped in an unusually high-pitched squeaky voice. The goron grouchily shoved the door back open and trudged into the room, the other sages following him. The sages all did double takes as they entered the room.

"What the- two Ganondorfs!" Rauru exclaimed.

"No, one of them's just Mido…but two Links?"

Darunia froze as he looked over the inhabitants of the room. "One…two Ganondorfs…two dark links…what…but…that's not…I don't…" Darunia stood there twitching and stuttering for a moment, then there was a loud 'snap!' sound and he fell backwards, stiff as a board.

"Ah dammit, you broke him!"

"Well it's not our fault his mind is so fragile!" Ganon snapped.

"Enough of this witty banter! Let us engage in a REAL battle!" Zelda roared.

"Yes! Come, my precious, let us combine our spirits into one!" Majora sneered.

Zelda rose into the air, purple and black electricity cackling over her trembling form, and Majora's eyes glowed bright red. There was a brilliant flash of light, and when it ended, Zelda was again standing on the floor, only now she looked…exactly…the same…o.O

"Um…was there a point to that?" Mido asked.

"But of course! Now I am Zeljora, the combined form of Zelda and Majora! I am twice as powerful as either of them alone! Do you dare fight me now, mere mortals?"

Ganondorf and Link exchanged glances.

"Well…she shouldn't be too hard…should she?" Ganon ventured uncertainly.

'One Winged Angel starts playing' (1)

"Um…"

We'll soon find out!

BOSS BATTLE- RPG STYLE!

Choose your party!

1. Ganon

2. Link

3. Impa

4. Saria

5. Nab

6. Mido

7. Skullkid

8. Rauru

9. Darunia

"Ok guys…who should we pick?" Saria asked.

"Well, Nab's still stuck as a kitten, Darunia's…broken…and Saria, Impa, and Rauru don't have anything to fight with, so they're all out." Said Ganon.

Link mused over this. "That only leaves us with…"

1. Ganon

2. Link

3. Mido

4. Skullkid

Is this okay? (2)

"Yes! Start the frickin' battle already!"

Ok ok, yeesh!

The tower room disappeared as the battle screen came up. Basically it looks just like the tower room, only all the furniture, items, and people have disappeared. Ganon, Link, Mido, and Skullkid appeared in a row along the right side of the screen. Zeljora appeared hovering in mid-air on the left side. Link's action meter filled up first.

"Summon: Knights of the Round!"

The four heroes disappeared as 12 random knights came out of nowhere and started pummeling Zeljora. Then they vanished, and the party reappeared. A white number appeared under Zeljora, dictating the damage done by the attack.

1

"What the! One damage! That's one of my most powerful summons!"

"Maybe summons don't work on her. My meter's filled- let me try."

Ganondorf readied himself for attack.

"Magic: Ultima!"

A vortex of brilliant green light surrounded Zelda, growing larger and brighter as the attack reached a climax (3). It disappeared in a flash of blinding white light.

1

"Gah!"

"Argh! How frickin' high is her defense?"

"Um…well…my turn, right?"

Mido chose "attack", and simply ran up to her and swung his sword.

miss!

"Oh well. He wouldn't have done much damage anyways."

"Well, here I go!" Skullkid said brightly, and used his peashooter on her.

999999999999

Ganon, Link, and Mido all stood gawking at him.

"Holy Crap! What the hell do you put in that peashooter!"

"Cruise missile."

Ganon stared at him open-mouthed, "Next time I try to take over Hyrule, you're my right-hand man."

"Cool!"

Zeljora, meanwhile, disappeared with a "fwoomph", defeated.

'dew dew dew doo dooooo dew do-tee-doo!'

The battle screen disappeared, and everyone reappeared in the tower room.

"Wow. Even when we used RPG style the battle was still short."

"Hmm. You know, I've been wondering, where'd you guys get those awesome magic spells? I mean, you never used them before…" wondered Mido.

"Author" Ganon and Link answered simultaneously.

"Ah."

Zeljora, meanwhile, was leaning heavily on a nearby wall, bruised, bloodied, and out of breath.

Zelda, you bumbling idiot! How could we be defeated so fast! Ugh, maybe I should have just possessed that blasted Skullkid! He's obviously more powerful than you!

But Majora…surely you haven't forgotten the safety measures I took…in case I should be defeated…

What measures? You didn't rig the fortress to blow up, did you?

NO, I learned this…this very special attack…only performable when the caster has but one hit point left…

You mean…

Yes…

Zeljora suddenly raised her hands and screamed, "LAST RESORT!"

There was a blinding flash of light, and when it faded the entire party of heroes (even those who hadn't fought) were on their knees, too weak to stand.

"Aw dammit…she pulled a Beatrix! (4)" Ganon panted.

Zeljora laughed, but it broke down into a coughing fit and she had to brace herself against the wall. She pulled out a bottle of max potion an downed it.

"Phew…Much better…now then…"

Suddenly it began to rain.

"What the! How is it raining indoors!" Mido demanded.

"Dude? Think about who's writing this fic." Link reminded him.

At that moment the Author suddenly appeared and began running around upside down on the ceiling while screaming "death to the laws of physics! Yeeheeheeheeheeheeheeeee!" at the top of her lungs.

"…Ooh…right…"

'step…step…step…step…step.'

Zeljora's boots clicked ominously against the stone floor as she approached the downed heroes. She looked down at them, smiling evilly and tossing her sopping hair out of her eyes with a flourish. Suddenly, Kuja ran out of a randomly appearing vortex.

"Hey! Nobody steals my bit!" (5)

"Huh?" startled, Zeljora whirled around to look at him.

woOw! He's hot!

Oh for the love of…Zelda, stop thinking with your nether regions and get rid of him.

But he's soooo dreamy…

Oh goddesses…that's it, I'm taking over.

"Alright pretty boy, back off! I'm busy here!"

"Pretty boy! Ooh, that's it! You wanna piece of me?"

YES!

Shut up!

"Bring it, ya lousy bishi!"

BATTLE!

The battle screen reappeared, and Zeljora and Kuja both appear hovering in midair at opposite ends of the screen. Kuja's meter filled up first.

"Magic: Ultima!"

His spell was exactly the same as Ganon's, and had the exact same result.

1

"Ah? Well, looks like we might actually have a challenge on our hands. Interesting."

Now it was Zeljora's turn.

"Summon: Kaebora Gaebora!"

Zeljora disappeared in a flash of light, to be replaced by the annoyance incarnate itself.

"What the…a giant owl! What kind of lousy summon is that!" Kuja exclaimed. Little did he know of the evils of Kaebora…

"Hoot hoo hoo! Hello, strange blue-haired young man in a thong! Do you know how to fight an RPG style battle? Well I'll assume you don't, because everyone but me is an idiot who must be enlightened by my long-winded rambling. In an RPG, battle is based on a turn system. In some types, characters have meters which must fill up before they can do anything. In others, there is a specific order of attack. Basically there are four types of actions one can perform in an RPG battle. Attack, use magic, use an item, or in some cases defend or use a special skill. Selecting "attack" will make your character attack the enemy with their equipped item. Use the equipment screen to change your character's equipment. Selecting "magic" allows you to cast a magic spell. There are many types of spells, from black magic, which is attack magic like Fire or Ultima, to white magic, which is healing magic like Cure or Remedy, to red magic, which affects status, like Armor Break or Defense Up, to blue magic, which uses spells stolen from certain enemies, to summons, which summon various creatures to perform an attack for you (usually a powerful one). What kind of magic you can use depends on the class of your character. Black mages use black magic, white mages use white magic, etc. In some battle systems, there are no mage classes, and all characters can use all types of magic. Using magic consumes magic points. More powerful spells cost more Mp, or magic points, and are often more effective. Attacking with weapons or spells does damage to your enemies, lowering their Hp. Hp means your hit points, or the number of damage points you can take before you die. As you gain level by collecting experience points, which you get by defeating enemies, your Hp and Mp will rise in number. Replenish Hp with items like potions or with white magic spells like Cure. Replenish Mp with items like ethers. Of course, red magic does not directly affect Hp. Spells like poison do indirectly by slowly draining Hp with each turn, and other spells like Blind and Confuse affect the enemy's ability to attack. Spells can be learned either by gaining levels or buying them from a store, depending on the style of the RPG….."

At first, Kuja just stared at the owl as it went on and on about types of magic and items, but after a while his eye started twitching, then his fists clenched and he started trembling slightly, then his face screwed up and he held his hands over his ears, then he finally broke down and screamed "Shut up! Shut up you stupid bird! We already know all this stuff! Nobody cares what you have to say!"

There was a moment of tense silence, and then…

"Of course, magic spells are a lot different from special skills, which almost always grow more powerful as the character gains levels. Skills can range from things like Steal and Blitz to Focus and Dance. Some skills can be very useful, while others are just plain stupid. Blitz, for example..…"

"Gyaaaargh! I can't take it anymore!" Kuja screamed, falling to his knees as he clutched his head in his hands. "Sephiroth! Help me out here! I need you!"

At his word, a man dressed all in black with long, flowing white hair dropped down from the ceiling, his ridiculously long and thin sword poised to skewer. And skewer it did, effectively turning the rambling bird into a bloody shishkabob.

Kaebora Gaebora stopped talking (thank god!) and slid down off of the sword in slow motion, his beak falling off his face and bouncing along the floor with a loud echoing 'thud…thud…thud…thud…' as a piano began playing in the background. (6)

Kuja shakily stood up from the ground. "Phew…thanks, man…I nearly lost it there."

"No problem."

Her summon defeated, Zeljora appeared in a flash of light, and play resumed. Kuja's meter filled up first.

"Alright…let's figure out what her weaknesses are.

Magic: Scan!"

A textbox displaying her stats appeared on the screen.

"Hmm…she's weak against imprisoning crystals, Fierce Deity, Cruise Missiles, and…" he paused as he read the last item, then exchanged evil grins with Sephiroth.

"I think we know what to do here."

Still grinning, the two final fantasy villains tossed their hair and winked at Zeljora, then struck classic Anime poses. Zeljora immediately swooned, elimating her from the battle.

Ugh…you're useless!

………………

'dew dew dew doo dooooo dew do-tee-doo!'

And with that, the battle screen disappeared, and everyone reappeared in the tower room again. Zeljora remained unconscious on the floor. Sephiroth yawned and stretched.

"Well, it's been fun, but I gotta go mess with Cloud's mind. See ya!" that being said, up up and away he jumped, disappearing into the ceiling. (7)

"Wow. Well thanks for taking care of her for us." Said Saria.

The heroes had recovered, though it had taken a _lot_ of potions. Kuja waved her gratitude away.

"Bah, it was nothing. I had to teach her not to steal my bit, anyhow."

"What is it with you guys, anyway? Why do you hate being copied so much?"

Ganon shrugged, "it's a villain thing."

"Well it's great that she's knocked out and all, but what do we do when she wakes up? She's still off her rocker, ya know." Skullkid pointed out.

"How about untying me, for a start!" Dark snapped.

The crystal had disappeared with Zeljora's defeat, but he was still tied to the chair. So Link promptly ran over and freed his counterpart. While he was doing that, Saria turned to the others.

"Any ideas on what to do with Zelda? Er…I mean…Zeljora?"

"Seal her in the sacred realm!"

"No, Ganon, we can't do that without a water sage. Plus Darunia isn't looking too good, either…"

"Damn."

"Never fear! HMS is here!"

Cried the mask salesman himself as he rode in on a winged gravity-defying cow.

"What the!"

"Surprised to see me?"

"You could say that…though more surprising is the winged bovine which you ride." Impa said.

The flying cow landed and shrugged, "I got tired of being a dog, so now I'm a bird. Tweet tweet."

"Riiiiiiiight."

"Wait…aren't you evil?" Asked Skullkid.

"No."

"…you sure?"

"Yes."

"…okay…can we trust you on that?"

"But of course! 'Twas the vile mask of spiky evil bug-eyed ness which affected me before. Now that it is combined with Zelda, I am free of its influence. And I have come to tell you how to make the princess sane again."

"Make her sane? Really?" Saria repeated hopefully.

"Can that even be done?" Rauru wondered skeptically.

"This isn't going to involve finding some magical psychiatrist, is it?" Ganon asked wearily.

"Um…no…that would be Queenie's fic, The Troublesome Quest for Sanity, that you are thinking of." (A/N: it's not actually posted on this sight anymore, but if you look under her profile she had a link to another sight she posted it on. Read it, it is uber funny!)

"So how do we sane-it-ize her?"

"I'd suggest Clorox disinfecting wipes."

"…I meant how do we make her sane?"

"All you have to do is play my trademark song of healing for her!"

"song…of…healing?"

"Open your ears and listen well to the song that I, the great lunatic HMS, shall play."

And with that, he whipped an organ the size of the entire wall out of his sac (no wonder the thing's so heavy!) and sat down to play.

"Wow…that's…a big organ…"

"That's at least twice as large as mine!"

"…think he's compensating for some- ow! Nabooru!"

"Mrowr!"

"I said OPEN YOUR EARS!" HMS screamed demonically. Everyone immediately shut up and stared at him wide-eyed.

"Thank you. Now then…"

'Dewt dew do dewt dew do dewt dew do-dee-do'

The heroes all stood by quietly, listening to the mysterious song which the HMS played. Link was going to mimic it, but then he realized he didn't have his ocarina, so he rifled through Zelda's unconscious form and took all his items back.

"Are you _sure_ that's _all_ he did?" skullkid said suggestively.

…bite him for me, will you Nab?

'Crunch'

"OW!"

Thanks. Anyway, Link took out the ocarina of time and mimicked the Song of Healing.

'Oo oo ooo Oo oo ooo Oo oo o-oo-ooooo'

'Deedle-dee-deedle da dee!'

"You learned the Song of Healing! Play it to restore Princess Zelda back to full mental health!"

"Yahoo! Now all we have to do is wait for her to wake up."

"You can just play it now, actually, as long as you're close enough to her."

"Oh, cool."

Link walked over to the unconscious Zeljora and played the song.

As the soothing notes wafted over her head, an interesting chain of events began to take place inside Zelda's mind…

A/N: And we'll break it off there. Yeah, I know, I haven't had many good cliffhangers lately.

Readers: Yaaay!

A/N: …….

"Review!" Ganon demands.

"Or I'll come after _you_!" Kuja threatens.

"Oh hey, you're still here?"

"Yeah…I don't really have much to do, since everyone thinks I'm dead in my world."

"Ah. Don't feel like rousing up another evil plan for world domination?"

"Nah…I kind of reformed."

"Too bad. Being evil's the greatest."

"Can't argue with you there."

"Yeah…so…review!" The author pauses to implement her puppy dog eyes of doom, "Pweeeze?"

"Aww, isn't she cute?" Kuja says, ruffling RebelX's hair.

"Ack! Watch the ponytail!"

Post A/N: some small explanations for those of you who have not played final fantasy…Be warned that these explanations are somewhat spoilerific, so keep away if you ever plan to play final fantasy games.

(1) One Winged Angel is the name of the song that plays during the final battle against Sephiroth in Final Fantasy 7.

(2) In most RPGs, only three to four people can fight at one time. They make up your "party"

(3) Ultima is, as the name implies, the ultimate attack magic in most final fantasy games. Its appearance tends to vary from game to game, the one described here is a mix of how it appears in FF 9 and FF 6.

(4) Beatrix was an enemy in FF 9 who, after you got her Hp down low enough, would use an attack that brought your entire party down to 1 Hp. Evil, ne?

(5) That whole scene is a parody of a cinema in FF 9 in which Kuja, the main villain of that game, gloats over the defeated heroes.

(6) This scene parodies an FF 7 cinema in which Sephiroth skewers the hero's secondary love interest, Aeris. In the actual cinema, a ball of white materia called "Holy" fell out of her hair and bounced along the floor in time with the notes of Aeris's theme.

(7) Cloud is the Hero of FF 7, but he's kind of messed up in the head thanks to all these weird experiments they did on him, and Sephiroth can sort of enter his mind and control him/mess with him.

Feel free to ask questions about anything else you don't understand!


	18. Of Lunatics and Exgirlfriends

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Author's Note: "Still can't find the disclaimer. So, Nintendo and all related indicia belong to Zelda. Kuja belongs to Final Fantasy, which is the love child of Square Soft."

"I'm really starting to miss the regular disclaimer." One of Nintendo's lawyers groaned.

"Yeah. She didn't run quite as fast." Said another.

"Speaking of which…DIEEEE!" screamed the rest of the mob as they pulled butcher knives out of their briefcases.

"Agh! Disclaimer, where are you!" screamed the author as she ran away.

Chapter 18: Of Lunatics and Ex-Girlfriends

'Dewt dewt dew dewt dewt dew dewt dewt do-dee-doo…'

'Dewt dewt dew dewt dewt dew dewt dewt do-dee-doo'

Zelda floated idly in the dark void of her inner consciousness, the strange music drifting through the air around her.

'Dat dat da dat dat da dat dat da-dee-da…'

'Dat dat da dat dat da dat dat daw daw'

That is, assuming there is air there. I mean, it's just some random void inside her mind. There might not even be any air. There doesn't really have to be, since you don't have to _breathe _inside your mind.

'Dew dew dew dee dee dee'

'Do do do da do'

…do you?

'Dom dom dom do do do dom dum dae dom'

Well, anyway, Zelda was floating. And twitching occasionally. The music was starting to get annoying.

'Dew dew dew dee dee dee'

'Do do do da do'

I mean _really_ annoying. She could hardly stand it anymore. But she couldn't stop it or anything since she didn't know where it was coming from, and when she tried covering her ears she heard it just as loudly anyway since she was inside her own mind so covering the ears of her mentally projected self really didn't do anything.

'Dum dom do da dae dee'

'Dum dom dee dew!'

"Shut up!" she screamed finally. And, thankfully, the music stopped. And then there was silence. Until suddenly John Cleese appeared.

"Hello. I'm here to tell you how not to be sane."

Zelda blinked and looked at him quizzically.

"But I already know how not to be sane!"

"Oh really? Hm. Well then. And now for something completely different."

The british man disappeared in a puff of smoke, and in his place stood two random midgets with glasses. The midgets circled Zelda a couple times, making various "Hmm hm" noises in the back of their throats, then stopped and turned to each other.

"Hmm…she's really far gone. Too far for us to push her back onto the edge, I think."

"The curvilinear method, then?"

"Aye."

They snapped their fingers, and the black void warped into a blur of nonsensical color that made Zelda dizzy. Then the blur faded, and she found herself in a room of the dusty old mansion of illusion. Random figures began to appear from no where, shouting various phrases as they stampeded through the room.

"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

"No you fool, the ground is just rising!"

"You can't handle the friesss!"

"There's nothing like the music of thousands of voices screaming in unison!"

"Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese become your big fork and spoon!"

"With great power comes great responsibility!"

"You can't kill me, Victor! I'm already dead!"

"I'm a little teapot short and stout!"

"Oh goddesses that's not a tentacle!"

Puppy dogs with glowing red eyes and twitching kitty cats jumped out of the floor and ran into the ceiling. Giant Deku scrubs glared at Zelda then backed off into the distance and disappeared into nothingness. Random gorons ran by chasing winged, flying rocks. Zoras drowned in a shallow pool by the north window. Dozens of Ganondorf and Link look-a-likes ran out of windows and into walls. The author ran around the walls of the room in circles while cackling maniacally. Zelda looked around at all this, completely and utterly confused by the strange antics she saw. She looked over at the midgets.

"Um…what's going on?"

"We're driving you insane, of course!"

"But…but I already am insane!"

"That's the point! See, because you're already insane, if we drive you crazy enough, you'll snap, but since you already snapped once you'll become sane again instead of crazy!"

"…that makes no sense. In fact, it is so nonsensical that it just might work. Off to the llama trench, my duck loving friends!"

And with that the princess ran into the wall.

"…ow…"

"Er…sorry, you can't run through walls the way everyone else does."

Zelda simply remained where she lay on the floor, twitching occasionally and giggling madly.

"He he…hee hee hee…hehehehe…hahahaha…haHAhahaha…HAHAHAhaha….

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Well. Looks like she's coming along nicely."

"Excellent."

Meanwhile, in the real world…

"Are you sure this will work?" Dark asked, folding his arms and eyeing HMS skeptically.

HMS smiled. "Oh don't worry. It'll make her sane. Eventually…"

"Eventually?" Link repeated.

"Well, it needs time to work, you see. It's different with cases of insanity than with anything else…say, troubled spirits or curses. Oh, by the way, she won't be cured yet when she wakes up. In fact, she'll probably get more and more insane and embark on a murderous rampage before she is cured of the insanity."

"_WHAT?! _Wh-why didn't you tell us this before I played the song!"

"'Cuz I'm an ass."

"…."

Zelda chose that most inopportune moment to awaken, rising slowly to her feet as her eyes burned manically.

"And now…to destroy the Lilac system!" she roared in a Jamaican accent.

"Oh dear…" Link moaned, rubbing his forehead.

Ganondorf sighed and rolled his eyes. "Anyone got a straight jacket?"

"I do!" Piped up the cow.

Ganondorf raised an eyebrow as he turned to look at the winged bovine.

"You just have a full assortment of random items, don't you?"

"Yup. Here ya go!"

'Dun dun dun dunnnnnn!

You got: straight jacket!'

Ganondorf, who was not used to receiving items, stared strangely up at the white jacket floating above his hands.

"Um…ok…what the hell?"

Link shrugged, "It's the standard new item sequence. Well, except, since Navi isn't here you don't get a long-winded explanation about the item anymore."

"Where is Navi, anyway?" Saria asked.

Link looked around shiftily.

"Oh…she went on a little… 'trip'…"

Meanwhile, at the waterfall in Gerudo Canyon…

"HELP!" screamed the frantic high pitched voice of Link's former guardian fairy as she tumbled over the waterfall inside a bottle.

Back in the tower…

"Help me hold her down while I stuff her into this, will ya?" Ganon asked Link as he readied the straight jacket.

"Sure."

"You'll never take me alive!" Zelda screamed and ran away. Ganon and Link then proceeded to chase her all around the room trying to get her in the straight jacket. During this time, the long forgotten black tektite Nyx (he came in with Mido, remember?) scuttled up to Dark and asked him,

"Be that the _real_ Ganondorf who chaseth the princess withe thee straite jackete?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, that's the real one."

"It wouldst behoove us to fetcheth Waruto then, nay?"

Dark blinked as he took a second to translate the King James English.

"Oh right…the revenge thing…yeah ok. Buuuut….let's wait 'till they've got her in the straight jacket, 'kay?"

"Very well."

They hadn't long to wait. Barely a moment had passed when…

"Hieeeee-ya!" Link cried, making a dive for the princess. He managed to catch her legs and send her tumbling to the ground. "A-ha! Gotcha!"

Link held Zelda down while Ganondorf put her in the straight jacket, then the two stood back to admire their work. Zelda fidgeted inside the jacket for a bit, then gave up and crashed to the floor. After that, she started kicking her legs and spinning in circles Homer Simpson style while singing something about yellow submarines. Link shook his head sadly while his dark counterpart turned to Nyx.

"Ok, now we can go get her." And thus the two departed to fetch their fishy mistress.

No one noticed their exit, as everyone else was gathered around the still unconscious Darunia, trying to wake him up. HMS cocked his head and asked: "I say, what is wrong with the rocky one? He didn't always just used to lie around like that."

Saria sighed heavily while Impa answered him, "Unfortunately the idea of there being two Darks and two Ganondorfs seems to have snapped his frail mind."

"Oh is that all? Well I can fix that right up, just play my song of healing!"

Link turned away from Zelda's antics in order to peer suspiciously at HMS. "It won't make him go on a murderous rampage, will it?"

"Oh no, that's only with cases of insanity."

"Alright then." And with that assurance, Link stood over Darunia and played the song. Darunia twitched a bit, then jumped to his feet with a cry of "Not the Deku Scrubs!" and ran around the room aimlessly shrieking about the wrath of the scrubs. Link turned to glare at HMS.

HMS merely shrugged. "I said he wouldn't go on a murderous rampage. I never said he wouldn't go crazy."

Everyone present rolled their eyes (except Zelda and Darunia, of course).

Then, the door burst open. Now, I suppose you would expect for me to say that it slammed into the wall and rebounded, hitting the person who'd kicked it open right in the face. But Waruto had experience with these things, this being her castle, and she managed to jump into the room before the rebounding door hit her. This meant that instead of crashing into her face, it hit Dark and Nyx, who had been right behind her.

"OW!"

"Ouche!"

Waruto snickered, then turned to survey the room. Her violet eyes caught sight of Mido, and she grinned triumphantly as she pointed to him and cried: "A-ha! We meet again at last, pencil nose!"

Mido blinked, briefly forgetting about the mask he was wearing (again). "Pencil nose? What are you talking about? My nose is clearly button shaped!"

Saria sighed and rubbed her forehead. "…Mido…look down at yourself…"

Mido looked. "Ohhh….yeeeeeah….um, look lady, I'm not who you think I am."

Waruto blinked. "You're not?"

"Yeah. See, I put on this mask-"

"Oh for pete sake not another tragic transform mask mishap!" Waruto groaned. "Well, we can fix that in a jiffy, just let me…" and thus she walked right up to him, grabbed the sides of his face, and pulled. After a brief but wimpy scream of pain and confusion, Mido transformed back to his adorable (roll eyes) Kokiri self.

"Oh wow. You really do have a button nose."

"Yup."

Waruto turned to Dark and Nyx, who had entered the room properly by now and were busy rubbing their aching noses.

"You idiots! You told me Ganondorf was here, but it's just another idiot in a mask!"

"But he _is_ here!" Dark protested in a high-pitched voice.

"Really? Where?"

"Over there!" Dark pointed.

Waruto turned to follow his finger and saw the real Ganondorf.

"Oh! My mistake. Ok, I have to get myself all worked up again now…" she closed her eyes and stood motionless for a moment, clenching her fists and shaking slightly, then stormed up to Ganondorf with a menacing shout of: "YOU!"

Ganondorf, who had no clue what was going on, simply raised his eyebrows.

"Er…hi."

"YOU TWO-TIMING, LYING, SLEEZY SON OF A TROUT!" she screamed, one hand upon her breast and the other stretched out in front of her like someone delivering a soliloquy.

"Um…do I know you?"

"Do you know me? _Do you know me?! **DO YOU KNOW ME?!**_

I'M YOUR **EX-GIRLFRIEND!**"

There was a series of thumping noises as the jaws of all present hit the floor.

Ganondorf stared at her. He couldn't have looked more horrified if you told him his manly bits had been chopped off at birth and sewn back on upside down. (Scary Movie 3, anyone?)

"I _beg your pardon?"_

"YOU USED ME AND DISCARDED ME LIKE SOME WORTHLESS TISSUE! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THE WAY YOU TREATED ME! FOR YEARS I'VE BEEN PLOTTING MY REVENGE, AND NOW…MY DAY HAS COME!" she continued.

"I…I don't even know you!"

"PREPARE TO TASTE THE GRAPES OF MY WRATH, MIKAU!"

"…Mikau?"

Waruto paused, her face falling. "Woops. Wrong speech." She switched her hands so that now her right one was on her breast and her left was in the air.

"What the- you write your revenge speeches down on your hand?"

"Well…you get that awesome inspiration, you know, and you don't want to forget it when the time comes…anyway…"

Ganondorf rolled his eyes while the rest of the room picked their jaws up off the floor.

"Wait…so she's _not_ his ex-girlfriend?" Mido asked.

"Guess not. Though it sounds like there's going to be some trouble for this Mikau person, whoever he is, when she finds him."

HMS glanced at Link, snickered, and tried to hide his smile behind his hand as Link looked at him questioningly.

"Ok, here we go. Wait…I have to get psyched up again first…"

Ganondorf sighed in exasperation. "Look, forget the fancy speeches and the performance! Just tell me what the hell you have against me!"

Waruto looked up at him, her lip quivering as her eyes grew watery. "You…you…you rejected my application!"

"…huh?"

"When I applied, to be an evil minion? You rejected me! And here I'd idolized you and wanted to become evil just like you from the day I first heard about you, and you rejected me! I've never felt so...so…"

"…rejected?"

"Yes!"

"_This_ is what you've been going on about all this time? He rejected your evil minion application?" Dark snapped incredulously.

"Geez! And she wanted to have him captured and tortured and everything! If that's how she reacts over this, I really feel sorry for that ex-boyfriend of hers!" said Link.

HMS, again, glanced at Link and sniggered behind his hand.

Ganondorf, meanwhile, was stroking his chin thoughtfully as his eyes traveled about the room, taking in the surroundings appraisingly.

"Say Miss…er…what was your name again?"

"Waruto"

Whatever Ganondorf had been about to say, it slipped his mind as his eyes lit up with recognition. "Waruto? I remember that application! I thought it was one of the sages trying to sneak into my organization to spy on me again."

"…again? You mean, the sages tried to do this multiple times?" asked Dark.

"Yes. And I have the applications from Warauru, Waimpa, Wasaria, Wadarunia, and Wanabooru to prove it."

The sages suddenly grew very red-faced and became absorbed in staring at their shoes after he said that, and Impa muttered something that sounded suspiciously like: "I knew that was a bad idea…"

"Well anyways, Waruto, would you still like to be an evil minion of mine?"

Her eyes lit up so brightly they could have used her as a lighthouse.

"_Would_ I?"

"He asked you first." Mido said stupidly. Skullkid rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead.

"_Of course_ I want to be your evil minion! Oh, can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I…" This continued for quite awhile, and Link marveled at her apparent lack of need for oxygen.

"On one condition."

"Anything!"

"Get off me."

Yes, Waruto, with that clingy tendency that seemed to run in her family, had firmly attached herself to the dark lord's legs. She quickly sprung off of him and started dancing for joy at the thought of being an evil minion. Apparently, the decrease in rank did not matter to her.

"Well. Everything seems to be sorting out quite nicely, eh?" remarked Skullkid.

At that moment, Zelda ripped out of the straight jacket with an angry roar, her eyes suddenly glowing blood red.

"…you just had to tempt fate, didn't you?" muttered Saria.

A/N: "Actually, it was I who he tempted!"

"You mean you're fate?" asks Mido.

"No no, I mean…well…ok yeah I'm fate."

"Drop something?" Ganon asks, holding up a single eyeball.

"Ha ha, very funny."

"…dare I ask where you got that?" Link queries.

Ganon points over his shoulder, where an "Eyes R Us" can clearly be seen.

"…Ooookaaay…"

"I don't get it." Says Mido.

"Well, you see, Link asked him where he got the eyeball, so he pointed to the "Eyes R Us", which is really quite comical since such a store is preposterous." Kuja explains.

"What the? You're _still_ here?" exclaims Link.

"Yes."

"Actually, I meant I didn't get why Ganondorf held up the eyeball in the first place."

"Ah. Well, in the disney version of Hercules the three fates are depicted as three women who share a single eyeball among them."

"…lovely."

"Yes isn't it?"

"I was being sarcastic."

"So was I."

"Oh."

"Oh indeed."

"Enough! Off with the reviewing, or I'll…I don't know…kill your dog or something. Yeah. …puppy dog eyes!" said the author as she did, indeed, use her puppy dog eyes.

"Review!" Ganondorf commanded.


	19. Attack of the OOCness

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A Fanfiction by RebelX

Author's note: "Behold, the final chapter of the longest alternate ending ever! Sorry, it took me so long to get this up…but it's the end of the school year you know, so all my teachers were assigning the huge end of year projects at the same time. But now that they're all done and over with, I can write again! Wee! Oh, and we found the disclaimer. …on a one-way flight to Australia. Yeah, apparently the lawyer's death threats and all really got to her…but she should be fine now."

The disclaimer twitched violently as she stuttered, "Nintendo…nintendo owns us all…Zelda…Link…Ganon…all related indicia…all belong to Nintendo…Only Final Fantasy is free…Final fantasy belongs to Square Soft…but soon…Nintendo will rule us all! AAAAAGGGHHHH!"

"Err…right…enjoy the final chapter everybody!"

Chapter 19: The Attack of the Out of Character-ness!

Syrril the tektite heaved a sigh of relief as he finally hopped over the final stair on the way to the second tallest tower. Now all he had to do was find his master, Waruto, so he could tell her they had finished cleaning up the banqueting hall, and then he could begin the harrowing journey back down the stairs. Syrril sighed. It wasn't easy being a tektite. Especially in a castle filled with long winding stairs and big heavy doors. Speaking of doors, he had just approached the one leading to the tower room when he heard:

"I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!" (1)

Syrril hesitated for a moment, then promptly turned tail and jumped back down the stairs.

Meanwhile, inside the room itself, our gaggle of heroes-

"Mrowr!"

…and heroines found themselves in quite a compromising situation. The insane princess Zelda had just cast Din's fire, making all the furniture, drapings, and other flammable materials in the room (including some of the heroes' clothing) catch fire.

"Welcome to my barbecue!"(2) she shrieked maniacally before collapsing in a fit of giggles.

"Agh!" Dark cried as he dodged a flaming drapery. "D-damn! We really could use some of that indoor rain now, author!"

"Hey, how come this room set on fire, even though over the multiple times I've cast this spell it's only ever hurt enemies and lit torches?" Link asked.

"I have no idea, but we have to find some way to put this thing out!" Ganon snapped.

"Run, run, or you'll be well done!"(3) Zelda squealed.

"Is it just me, or is she speaking entirely in Final Fantasy quotes?" Dark asked.

"Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison!"(4)

"…yep. Definitely Final Fantasy quotes."

Ganon yelped suddenly and dove to avoid a falling beam from the roof. He lifted his head with a groan, glaring in the direction of HMS. "If only you hadn't told Link to play that stupid song, we wouldn't be in this mess!" he growled.

Link froze, his eyes wide with sudden revelation.

"Idea!" he shrieked, striking a pose as a light bulb appeared above his head. He whipped out his ocarina and promptly played the Song of Storms. Rain soon began falling from the ceiling, accompanied by the occasional crash of thunder. The inhabitants of the room all heaved a sigh of relief as the torrential downpour put out the fire- except Zelda, of course, who was quite pissed. Not only had her beautiful fires of destruction failed to barbecue anyone, but now she was getting soaked again. But the anger did not express itself in outward form, instead merely feeding and deepening her growing insanity.

"Phew…that was a close one," Dark sighed.

"No kidding! My castle almost burnt down!"

"Um…Waruto? You live in a _stone_ palace. You wouldn't have lost more than the roof and the furniture."

"…good point."

Link got up from where he had dove to avoid some flaming debris, his eyes regarding the princess warily.

"…Zelda…?"

"Life... Dreams... Hope...  
Where'd they come from...  
And where are they headed?  
These things... I am going to destroy!"(5)

She rose from the ground, her arms spread wide as she roared: "I will destroy everything! I will create a monument to non-existence!" (6)

"Wait a tic…how can you _create_ a monument to non-existence? I mean, a monument is something that exists, so how can an existing object be a testament to non-existence?" Ganon asked.

Zelda leveled a glare at him, then hissed in response "The canary I'm after... she flew into her cage of her own free will." (7)

"…ok, that one didn't even make sense," Skullkid pointed out.

Zelda then laughed maniacally and fled the room, shrieking something about some guy named Edgar being a pinhead. (8)

"Um…should we go after her?" Mido asked.

"Probably. Who knows what kind of damage she could do, with the Triforce of wisdom at her disposal," Impa said gravely.

Link shook his head. "Hang on, guys…we need to formulate some sort of plan of attack before we go running after her. You know, figure out a way to keep her in check until this insanity wears off?"

Rauru turned thoughtfully to the HMS.

"Tell me, strange one bearing giant sack…how long can we expect her insanity to last?"

"Well I don't know. Were her eyes black yet?"

"Um… I think they were violet. I remember because the color reminded me strongly of the flowers in that one clearing that looked like a guy's- OW! Nabooru!"

"Still a while yet, then."

"Isn't there anything we can do to speed it up?" Mido whined.

"Well, you could try to drive her more insane. The faster and further she goes off the deep end, the more quickly she'll snap and return to normal."

"Ok…well…doesn't make sense to me, but it's worth a shot I suppose," mused Mido.

"A lot of things don't make sense to you." Saria pointed out. Mido pouted and crossed his arms, but said nothing.

"So how can we drive her any more insane?" Dark asked.

"Lock her in a room with the author." Link suggested. The light bulb which had been hovering above his head ever since he had his idea suddenly dropped down and crashed on him.

"Sorry," he said with a sheepish grin at the author, "couldn't resist."

"Hey, I know! Darunia's still insane, right? Maybe if we put them together, they'll drive each other more insane!" Skullkid suggested.

"…where is he, anyway?" Link asked.

Impa pointed to a corner, where Darunia could clearly be seen crouched in a fetal position and muttering to himself.

"The birds…the birds…! They're trying to sell me insurance!"

"Err…right…well, I really don't think he'll be any help. Why don't we just act really out of character and yell various cliché, confusing phrases?" Ganon suggested.

"…haven't we been doing that the whole fic?" Link asked.

Another light bulb fell from the sky and clocked him on the head.

"Ow…ok…I'll shut up now…"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Dark exclaimed suddenly, his eyes lighting up. Link looked at his twin strangely.

"What's the matter with you? Did you sit on a cactus or something?"

"No, you idiot! I just got an idea! Rauru!" he called, turning to the Sage of Light, "do you still have that Sailor Moon outfit?"

Everyone who hadn't been present during the Morpha incident exchanged glances.

"Sailor Moon outfit…?"

Rauru raised an eyebrow. "Yes…why?"

Link's eyes lit up in a manner identical to Dark's as he, too, caught on.

"There's a phone booth out in the hall. Quick, go change into it!" he instructed.

"Er…all right…"

The puzzled old man left the room.

Link then turned back around to Ganon. "You know, that out of character idea might actually work. Think we could put our heads together and write out some scripts for everybody?"

"No. But I think if we bug the author enough, she'll do it."

"Even better! Alright…let's get to work people! We're going to drive Zelda up the wall!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in the dark depths of Waruto's fortress…

"Life fears death,  
but lives only to die."

Princess Zelda sat curled in a fetal position in the middle of the room, rocking back and forth idly.

"It starts with anxiety.  
Anxiety becomes fear."

In the corner of the room, cleverly hidden behind…nothing…sat Mido, Saria, and Skullkid, who had agreed to find Zelda and keep an eye on her while the others got ready.

"Fear leads to anger...  
anger leads to hate...  
hate leads to suffering..."

Zelda continued murmuring to no one in particular.

"…great, now she's starting to sound like Yoda." Mido whispered with a roll of his eyes.

"The only cure for this fear  
is total destruction." (9)

His eyes bugged out. "…except that part."

"Urg…when are the others going to get here? My legs are starting to cramp up…" Saria complained.

Skullkid smiled at her and waggled his eyebrows (just pretend he has eyebrows) "Oooh, so your thighs are sore huh?"

Saria raised an eyebrow. "Er…yes, along with the rest of my legs…"

"What exactly were you doing last night?"

"…"

'SMACK!'

"…I deserved that."

"Yes. Yes you did."

Unfortunately, the loud 'smack' sound of Saria hitting Skullkid upside the head got Zelda's attention. She chuckled evilly, standing to her full height and turning to face them slowly.

"The end comes... beyond chaos..."(10)

"Eep." said Mido.

"Quick, we have to start acting out of character! Skullkid, say something that isn't sick or perverted! Mido, say something smart!"

They both opened their mouths to speak, then froze as the meaning of her words sunk in.

"Hey…are you calling me stupid?"

"And I'm not always sick and perver- …oh wait, I am. Never mind."

Saria rolled her eyes and turned to Zelda, standing up as she did so.

"I hate friends. They're so annoying. They're always following you and borrowing stuff from you and they never leave you alone. Friends are stupid."

Zelda paused, blinking. This didn't make sense. Saria was such a good friend to everybody. How could she not like friends?

"The human body is a wonderful thing. It is sad that society and the media have objectified it and turned it into such a sexual thing. There is nothing sexual, sick, or wrong about a woman's breasts, for instance. They are used to nourish young children and should be considered a sign of motherhood, not sexuality," Skullkid announced.

Now Zelda was really confused. Skullkid was an annoying little pervert who took everything the wrong way and saw everything as a sexual object. But now he was saying that the human body shouldn't be considered a sexual thing? It didn't…make…sense…

"Um…guys? I can't think of anything smart to say." Mido whispered urgently.

Saria rolled her eyes and whispered something into his ear.

"Er…ok…uh, the sum of the square roots of two legs of a right triangle is equal to the square root of the hypotenuse."

"Huh!" Zelda gasped, so confounded by this uncharacteristic behavior that she forgot about her murderous rage.

Mido frowned slightly. "Am I really stupid?" he asked.

Saria sighed and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm afraid so. Er…" she glanced sideways at Zelda, "you…jackass…"

Zelda whimpered slightly and backed away, her eye twitching.

"Yo dudes! We were like, wondering where you were, man."

Zelda and the others turned their attention to the far door, where they could clearly see Ganon walking into the room. Only he didn't look like himself. His armor was gone, for starters, and instead he wore a plain white t-shirt with the words "make love not war" on it in red paint, followed by a peace sign. He also sported a pair of sunglasses and ratty looking old jeans.

Zelda screeched at the sight of him. What little sanity that remained in her mind was bending dangerously.

Ganon raised his hands in humble supplication as he took a step back. "Woah! Peace, man! Chill out!"

"P-Peace is but a shadow of death,  
Desperate to forget its painful past..." (11) she stuttered in reply, trying to find some vague comfort in her Final Fantasy quotes.

"Whatever you say, dude. Hey, Link, man, come out and say hi!"

Their attention was then drawn to a hunched, quivering figure they hadn't noticed before. Link, the hero of time himself, nervously stepped through the doorway. He was trembling like a leaf, his eyes wide and fearful as they swept over the room.

"I-I-I-Is it s-s-safe?"

"Relax dude, nothing's going to hurt-"

"SPIDER!" Link shrieked, jumping into Ganon's arms. "HELP! HELP! SPIDER! EVIL EIGHT LEGGED HARBORER OF DOOM! HEEEEELP!"

"Aren't you overdoing it a tad?" Ganon whispered.

"Hey, it's working, isn't it?" Link hissed back.

It was indeed working. Zelda was twitching violently now, her eyes wide and confused. The last few constants of her world were falling down around her overly-large ears, taking the dregs of her sanity with them.

Impa entered the room next. Zelda turned her wide, panicked eyes to her guardian, a small hopeful smile playing around her lips. Impa…Impa would be normal…wouldn't she? Still as cold and serious as ever? Yeah…yeah she had to be…right?

Wrong. Impa took one look at Link and Ganon and burst out laughing. Not a normal laugh, mind you, but a high pitched girlish giggle that made everyone wince.

"Teeheeheeheehee! Aww, isn't that, like, the cutest you've ever seen? I mean, like, look at them! Teehee!"

Ganon blushed slightly, a vein clearly ticking in his forehead. He made to drop Link, but the Hylian hero desperately clung to his neck, wailing "NO! PLEASE, DON'T DELIVER ME TO THE SPIDERS! I-I'M TOO GOOD-LOOKING TO DIE!"

"Link…" Ganon hissed, "you're pushing it."

"Sorry, but I gotta stay in character…" Link whispered.

Fortunately Impa took care of the problem by going up to the imaginary spider and squishing it with the heel of her shoe, saying "Wee! Spider go squish! Teeheehee!"

"My hero!" Link proclaimed, promptly releasing Ganon and running over to hug Impa.

"Aww, you're, like, so _cute_!" she giggled, ruffling his hair.

It was then when Dark, Darunia, and Nab (who had somehow mysteriously changed back into a gerudo) entered the room. While Dark was still wearing his black clothing, he'd stuck a white collar around his neck and had his hand folded as if in prayer.

"May the peace of the goddesses be with you." he said in a soft, holier-than-thou sort of voice.

Darunia hadn't changed at all, of course, but was still shivering violently and muttering about evil insurance-selling birds. They hadn't bothered to give him a script, since he was already acting out of character enough in his insanity.

"AFLAC!" he screeched suddenly, and hid behind Ganon.

Zelda barely had had time to ponder these strange happenings when Nab walked up to Ganon.

"I hate you," she said brightly, "I hate you so much that it burns...just looking at you…like thousands of tiny fire ants are crawling inside my mind and nibbling on my brain…I hate you so much I just want to wrench your intestines out through your mouth and strangle you with them. Then beat your mangled carcass until every bone and blood vessel is broken and throw you to the wolves. That's how much I hate you." She smiled as she said this, bobbing back and forth on her heels and speaking as casually and innocently as if she were talking about picnicking in the meadow instead of wrenching someone's guts out.

"In fact, I hate you so much…" she jumped up on top of him, her arms wrapped around his neck and her legs around his waist, "That I love you." And then she kissed him. Yes, you heard me right, kissed him. The two gerudo then promptly began making out.

Zelda's mouth fell open. And then it closed. And then it opened again. And then it closed.

Link meanwhile, blinked and looked up at Impa.

"…was that part of the script?" he whispered.

Impa shrugged. "It's having enough of an effect on Zelda, anyway."

The Sheikah's words rang true. Zelda was not only standing stock still in the middle of the room imitating a goldfish, but was twitching like mad and trembling all over. Her eyes had turned black in color. It wouldn't be long now, before her mind snapped. Just one more little push…

Rauru entered the room. He didn't say anything, just sort of stood there. But his outfit was enough. Seeing the fat old Sage of Light dressed in the short skirt and form-fitting top of Sailor Moon was enough to send anyone over the edge, and Zelda was already teetering on top of it. With a loud 'SNAP' sound, the princess fell backwards, where she lay unmoving. The Heroes- and heroines- exchanged uneasy glances.

"Is…is it over? Is she sane again?" Saria's small voice spoke up over the din of the silence.

"I…I think so…" Link replied.

"Thank _goddesses_." Dark heaved in relief, tearing the collar from his throat and dropping his reverent attitude.

Link let go of Impa and stood up, dusting himself off. He glanced over at Ganon and Nab.

"Um…you guys can stop making out now."

"Hmm?" Ganon turned to look at him, but Nab grabbed his chin and pulled him back into another kiss.

"Er…"

"…why does this not surprise me?" Saria asked thoughtfully.

"Uh, maybe because the author has been hinting at it the entire fic?" Skullkid muttered, intently watching the two make out.

"Guys, knock it off. There are children present!" Impa scolded them.

"Sick, perverted children," Dark pointed out.

"Yes, well…they're still children."

"Woah, Impa. I think acting out of character loosened you up a bit." Link said in awe.

Impa rolled her eyes. "Like, shut up, like, dude."

"Unh…?" Zelda sat up with a moan, rubbing her head sorely. "Wha…what happened? Where am I? And why are Ganondorf and Nabooru making out?"

Link smiled tiredly. "It's a loooooong story."

Author's Note: YAHOO! IT's FINALLY OVER! …except the epilogue…but oh well! Yes, now I can focus on the thousands of other ideas that have been tumbling around in my brain…mweeheehee…

The Qutoes:

1) Black Waltz Number 3, FFIX

2) Kefka, FFVI

3) also Kefka

4) Kefka again

5) Kefka

6) ...give ya a hint…it starts with a K…

7) Kuja, FFIX

8) the official quote is "Edgar you pinhead! Why do you have to live in the middle of nowhere?" Again, by Kefka

9) Necron, FFIX

10) Kefka

11) Kuja

"Wow, there's sure a lot of…Kefka…" Mido observed.

"That's because that insane little clown has the awesomest lines ever!" said the author.

"Hey, how come you only used two of my quotes?" Kuja demanded.

"I couldn't find many of yours, actually. The site I got these from, chaos2 . org, didn't have many Kuja quotes."

"Ah…"

"I can't believe the story is finally over…" Link murmured.

"Yeah…this was the longest alternate ending I've ever seen in my life!" said Saria.

"Well, we've still got to do the epilogue. But anyways, Ganon, you want to give the final send off? …Ganon?"

"He's still making out with Nabooru."

"…GANON GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF HER THROAT AND TELL THE READERS TO REVIEW!"

A disheveled looking Ganon stumbled onto the stage, his sunglasses askew.

"Review dammit!" he commanded, before being tackled to the ground by Nab.

"Or the Author will drop a light bulb on your head!" Link added.

"Pweeze?" the Author said, busting out her puppy dog eyes.

"Aww….she's, like, so cute!" giggled Impa.


	20. Deleted Scenes

Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fanfic by RebelX

Disclaimer: "No! I won't do it! The lawyers…they'll get me…" the disclaimer whined from where she hid behind the author. The mob of lawyers in front of them cackled and unsheathed their knives.

"No need to fear! I have just acquired a body guard to protect against just this sort of thing." With this said, the author reached into her pocket and pulled out General Grievous from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

The lawyers stared up at the seven foot tall (I'm guessing at his height, but he is a tall guy), four lightsaber wielding alien cyborg with wide eyes.

"How the hell did she fit that thing in her pocket?" asked one.

"_THING_?" Grievous hissed, his totally awesome cat-like yellow eyes narrowing dangerously.

"…run now, ask later." advised another lawyer, and the entire mob promptly ran like hell, a pissed off Grievous chasing after them.

"He's just so awesome," the author beamed. "Now go on," she prompted the disclaimer.

The disclaimer straightened and actually did her job for once. "Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. General Grievous belongs to George Lucas, although the author kidnapped him and probably won't be giving him back."

"Hell no! He's way too cool to let them kill him off like any other villain of the week!"

"Right. So…that's the disclaimer."

"Good girl" the author patted her on the head, "You actually got it right this time. And now, the author's note!"

A/N: "Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm still struggling with how I'm going to format my epilogue. But I've decided that you have been tortured with this long waiting for too…well, long, so I have added another chapter…Deleted Scenes! Yes, just like the things you see on those special edition DVDs, these are the scenes which didn't make it. As you read them, do keep in mind that they didn't make it into the story _for a reason_. Some are short and totally random, some are long and only ha-ha funny, and most don't actually fit into the real plot (if there really is one) of the story. So, enjoy!"

Not Really a Chapter: Deleted Scenes

_Alternate Chapter 7: Zelda's meeting_

"So tell me again why we're all going to this Link Haters Anonymous (LHA) meeting?" asked Link.

Nab rolled her eyes. "So we can spy on the princess, duh!"

"Er…..won't she get suspicious when she sees I've brought the sages?" Ganon pointed out.

"Don't worry. We've all come up with good reasons why we hate Link," Darunia assured him.

"And they're all true, too," added Saria.

"They can't ALL be true. I mean, there aren't that many reasons to hate such a loveable guy like me, right?" Link said.

'Crickets chirping'

"…right?"

'More chirping.'

Link made a face.

"Maybe it isn't such a good idea for me to come, though, since she's seen me actively try to protect Link….." Nab murmured.

"Um…..guys? I didn't say anything before, but…I couldn't come up with a reason to hate Link," Skullkid said worriedly.

Mido stared at him. "You're joking right?"

Skullkid shuffled his feet. "Nope."

"Why don't Nabooru and Skullkid go off and figure out why Zelda's snapped and how we can possibly get her back to normal?" Impa suggested.

"That reminds me! The reason we were calling a sage meeting in the first place was because we thought we'd found a clue to that very problem!" Saria exclaimed.

Impa raised an eyebrow. "We?"

"Well, Rauru and I."

Darunia raised an eyebrow.

Saria noticed the way everyone was looking at her. "What?"

"Since when did you two hang out together?" asked Nab.

Saria made a face. "I could ask the same of you two."

The little Kokiri snarled at Nabooru, who was holding hands with Ganondorf.

"Ha! Told you it'd be Saria who'd notice!" Ganon cried happily.

Nab muttered darkly as she handed him a blue rupee. Now she wouldn't have a legitimate excuse to hold his hand anymore…

Link shook his/her head. "What is it with you two and betting?"

"Well…..not many people know this, but Ganondorf has a serious gambling problem. I'm just taking advantage of it."

"Trying to, more like. I haven't lost a single bet so far."

"Really?" Skullkid asked, amazed.

Link frowned. "Hmm...…you wouldn't be using psychic cheating to win these bets, would you?"

"Of course not! Where's the fun in that?" Ganon said hastily as he looked around shiftily.

"He's lying..." Link whispered.

"Probably." Nab whispered back.

"Wouldn't it be funny if we could get him to confess?"

"Yeah."

"It'll probably never happen though."

Nab grinned evilly. "Wanna bet?"

Saria noticed the whispered exchange, being the observant little Kokiri that she was. "Hey, what are you two gerudos plotting?" she asked.

Link glared at her, unhappy to reminded of his/her current predicament.

"What?" Saria didn't understand why s/he was glaring at her all of a sudden.

"What was that you were saying about a clue to Zelda's mind-snappage?" Link hastily changed the subject.

"Nice terminology there, Link," Mido muttered.

"Shaddup."

"Well, actually we just figured out that the answer to Zelda's psychotic spell is somewhere in Termina," Rauru replied.

Nab rolled her eyes. "Oh that helps," she said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

Rauru looked confused. "Doesn't it?"

Now Ganon rolled his eyes. "Do you have any idea how big Termina is?"

Everyone but Ganon and Nab shrugged. "Nope"

Ganon and Nab sighed.

"Why have you two been there?" Mido asked.

"We visit the gerudo there from time to time," Ganon answered.

"Yeah," Nab agreed.

Skullkid rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "I see…"

"We're here!"

The midget interrupted as they reached a small clearing not far from the sacred forest meadow. He had been their guide to the meeting place, as instructed by the telegram.

"Well, I guess this is where we part ways." Nab said.

Ganon nodded. "Yup."

Saria nodded as well. "Yup."

Link shifted uncomfortably. "Guess so."

"That's correct." Impa said sagely.

Mido looked at the ground. "Yeah."

"mm-hmm" Er…mm-ed Darunia.

"Yo-ho!" Rauru said brightly.

Skullkid blinked and raised an eyebrow.

Rauru noticed everyone seemed to be staring at him. "What?"

"Yo-ho?" Nab repeated dubiously.

"Yo-ho!" Rauru replied, just as cheerily as before.

Impa gasped suddenly. "What weighs 5 ounces, lives in a tree, and is very dangerous?"

"A sparrow with a machine gun!"

"Yes!" she cried, high-fiving Rauru in a most uncharacteristic fashion.

Link raised an eyebrow.

"You people scare me," Ganon informed them.

Mido shook his head. "Crazy sages….."

Skullkid scratched his head thoughtfully. "Isn't that from the old 60s batman movie?"

"I believe so." replied the midget.

"Big Jon? That you? Are they here yet?" Zelda's voice drifted over from the forest beyond.

"Uh oh! We better go!" Nab exclaimed.

And so, off Nabooru and Skullkid ran, deep into the lost woods. Meanwhile, who should appear but Zelda, still dressed as a Sheikah and still pissed off as ever. She paused when she saw the large group waiting next to the midget.

"Well…..I didn't know you had so many…..friends……"

"Oh, them? I just ran into them in the village and it turns out they all really hate Link," Ganon said easily. He was quite an accomplished liar, after all, even having duped the King of Hyrule himself once before.

"Oh do they?" She broke in, glaring at Saria suspiciously.

Saria straightened under her penetrating gaze. "Why yes, we do."

Zelda frowned. "Ganondorf, can I talk to you for a moment?"

So saying she grabbed the gerudo king's arm and hauled him off behind a tree.

"Were you implying that I don't have friends?" Ganon queried dangerously.

"Well you don't, but no."

Ganon glared at her.

Zelda rolled her eyes, "Oh come on, since when were you friends with the sages?"

"I told you, I ran into them in Kokiri village."

"I don't think you're lying about that, but you're definitely holding something back. They're here to spy on me, aren't they?"

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"I AM psychic."

"I was being sarcastic."

"Right. We need to get rid of them."

"May I ask how?"

"I hadn't thought of that yet."

"Grand."

Meanwhile, a little ways away…..

"She suspects," Saria said ominously.

"She IS psychic," Impa pointed out.

Mido looked worried. "Ooh, forgot about that"

"So what do we do?" asked Darunia.

"Think hateful thoughts about Link," Rauru told him.

Link made a face.

Saria elbowed him to make him stop. "And don't think about who THIS," she elbowed him again, "really is."

"Isn't there some way to block her powers?" asked Mido.

"Yeah, but it only works with psychic people" Saria replied.

Impa paused, then frowned. "Aren't we all psychic?"

Everyone else blinked with the sudden revelation. "Oh yeeeeaaaaahhhh"

"Alright! Everyone concentrate on a wall, and imagine that wall blocking Zelda from getting in," Saria instructed.

"But I have a hard time concentrating!" Link reminded them.

"Concentrating on what?" Zelda, done with her conference with the evil king, emerged from behind the tree and glared around at them all suspiciously. Fortunately, Link was not lying when he said he had trouble concentrating.

"On- ooh! Butterfly!" he said, staring.

"You'll have to excuse her, she's just an idiot." Ganon nodded to the Hylian- turned-Gerudo, frowning.

Link made a face.

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Well, let's get this thing started, shall we?"

She clapped her hands, and the floor of the clearing flipped over, revealing a metal floor with a large table in the middle.

"Er, maybe you should have warned us first…" said Saria.

Mido's voice drifted up from beneath the floor. "Hey! Get me out of here"!

"Oops…..oh well." Zelda said, not looking sorry at all. "Don't worry Mido! There's an emergency exit down there I built for just this situation! Just feel around the walls until you find a doorway! Do you understand?" she called.

"Yeah!"

"Well, come on in everyone"

Ganon raised an eyebrow. "In?"

Zelda frowned at him. "You know what I mean"

The sages, Ganondorf, and Link entered the clearing and sat down around the table.

"Now I'm not going to play the fool and pretend it's natural that the sages would want to join my little club. So tell me, why do you hate Link? Starting with you."

She glowered at Saria as she finished. The Kokiri was not intimidated.

"Very well. My reason is simple enough. Long ago I realized that Microsoft is trying to take over the world. I will spare you the details of their plot, but suffice it to say that the world was in mortal danger, and I was the only one who can stop it. I told everything to Link, my best friend, but he didn't believe me. I did everything I could to help him with his quest, but did he help me with mine? NOoooooo-" she paused, looking around at everyone.

Everyone else was fast asleep, snoring.

Saria made a face.

Zelda snorted and jerked awake. "Huh? Oh, are you finished? Ok, you next  
Darunia."

"He stole Mr. Snuggle-tuff!" Darunia said angrily.

Everyone else blinked slowly, their eyebrows all raising questioningly.

"Who, pray tell, is Mr. Snuggle-tuff?" Zelda was the only one brave enough to ask.

"The king of deflate-able puppy dogs!"

Link rolled his/her eyes. "He's a stuffed bunny with a hat."

Zelda looked over at the gerudo. "How do you know?"

Link shuddered slightly. "Trust me, you don't want to know"

Zelda's eyes widened.

Link suddenly remembered his/her current situation, and what he/she looked like. "No, it's not like that!" he/she exclaimed.

"Suuuuuuuure"

Link scowled.

"Next?"

"It's his fault that Ganondorf was able to steal into the sacred realm and cover Hyrule in darkness for seven years!" Rauru said hotly.

"Why should you care? You weren't even in Hyrule those seven years!" Zelda pointed out.

"He disturbed my nap!" the Sage of Light snapped, as if that were reason enough for anything.

Everyone else stared at him.

"Oooookay, uh, next?"

"I have no real hatred for the boy, but I will serve my princess to any end," Impa said sagely.

Link fought back a smirk. He/she knew there weren't enough reasons to hate him/her.

"Although I do find him egotistical, obnoxious, annoying and selfish," she continued.

Link was hard pressed to hold back his/her scowl.

Zelda smirked. "Very well. Next?"

"He is responsible for the defeat and imprisonment of Lord Ganondorf," Link said. He/she was a gerudo now, so he/she figured that would be good enough reason.

Zelda nodded. "All right. Last one."

"Do I really need to tell you all my reasons?" asked Ganon.

Zelda shrugged. "Might as well."

"Ok." he got out a roll of paper about one foot thick, "Here's my list." he droped the scroll in front of Zelda, where it landed on the table with a loud 'thump'.

Link stared at the roll with wide eyes.

Zelda also stared, a sweat drop rolling down her forehead. "Woah."

Mido psychically contacted Ganondorf, _"And you hate Zelda MORE? How long would that list be?"_

Ganon responded psychically, _"My hand would probably fall off before I finished writing it. So who's mind are you prying into to see what's going on?"_

_"Link, of course. Although everyone is only defending against Zelda."_

_"True. Lucky no one else is on her side."_

Zelda finally seemed to return to herself and continued, "Very well then, some of your reasons are questionable, but I am in need of members."

"Do you even have any other members besides us?" Ganon asked.

"Well there's them." She gestured to a bunch of midgets, who waved.

"….."

"What?"

"…That's it?"

Zelda sighed. "Apparently Link is very well liked in this country"

"Well he _did_ save Hyrule and all."

"Yeah. From you."

Ganon scowled.

Big Jon interrupted them suddenly. "Zelda, there's someone over here who wants to see you in private."

Zelda smiled. "Ah, finally."

With no explanation what so ever, the princess got up and left the clearing.

Ganon shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I don't like this….."

"Me neither" Link agreed, throwing his donut away.

Ganon blinked. "I meant the situation."

"Oh" Link got up and ran after his donut.

"Where'd he get the donut?" Rauru asked.

Saria shrugged.

Suddenly a wall of spikes shot out of the ground, surrounding and imprisoning everyone still at the table.

Saria looked around at the cage. "Oh…so that's what those strange, symmetrical holes in the ground surrounding us were for….."

Ganon stared at her. "You mean you noticed strange, symmetrical holes in the ground surrounding us and you didn't say anything?"

Saria looked down sheepishly. "yeah."

"Yeah, I noticed those too." Darunia said offhand.

Rauru nodded. "I did as well."

Ganon looked around in disbelief. "Am I the only person who _didn't_ notice?"

"Looks like it."

Ganon scowled.

"Don't worry, it's okay if you have poor observational skills," Darunia reassured him with a pat on the shoulder.

"And none of you were even slightly suspicious as to the nature of these holes?" Ganon asked.

"Nope," they responded cheerily.

Ganon slapped his forehead. "I'm surrounded by idiots"

Link chose that moment to run by screaming about evil fruit trees.

"…..and lunatics"

Zelda stepped out from behind a nearby tree, grinning from ear to ear.

"I knew I couldn't trust you all, but as I said I need more members. That's why I isolated the people I considered trustworthy before springing my little trap."

"What about me?" Ganon protested.

"Oh, I just don't like you."

Ganon glared at her.

"Some of you almost fooled me. Like Impa and that strange gerud-"

She stopped suddenly, her eyes frantically searching the area inside the trap.

"Where's Impa? And the gerudo?"

Ganon gave a start. "Impa's missing?" He looked around. Sure enough, the Sheikah was nowhere to be seen.

"It's ok, we know you have poor observational skills," Zelda comforted him mockingly.

Ganon glowered, but said nothing.

Meanwhile…

Link stumbled out from a bunch of bushes, his eyes wide and his limbs trembling as he continued ranting and running. "This is it! Game over man! They'll beat us all to death with their apples and pears and-"

"Link!" Impa snapped, grabbing his arm as he ran past.

"AH! Die you arboreal spy!" he screamed, beating Impa with a donut.

"You can stop now; I think they're out of earshot."

"Phew," he said, dropping the donut.

"Come on. We've got to find Nabooru and Skullkid."

"So we're just going to abandon the others?"

"None of the other sages are of use to us, and we can't trust Ganondorf anyway."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Now how do we find Nabooru and Skullkid?"

"We'll just have to wait for them at the entrance to Termina."

"You sure they'll be able to find it on their own?"

"Just have faith….."

Meanwhile,

Skullkid slumped in defeat. "Alright, I admit it. We're lost."

"Grand."

_End Scene._

"I loved that 'I'm surrounded by idiots…and lunatics' line. It almost makes me wish we could have kept that scene." Ganon said.

"Yeah, but I didn't like where it was going." replied the author.

"Not that you had any idea where you _wanted _to go, anyways." Link pointed out.

The Author scowled. "Shaddup. Next!"

_Alternate chapter 15: Plan "B"_

"Gasp!"

"It's- !"

"The muffin man!" Skullkid exclaimed.

"What? No!"

"Aww…I wanted a muffin…"

"Grr…It's me, Zelda! You may have escaped my illusions, but I'm not finished yet! Prepare to be foiled by my ingenius plan B!"

"…does it involve giving us muffins?"

"No! Enough with the frickin' muffins already!"

"So…no muffins?"

"No!"

Skullkid sighed dejectedly. "Aw shucks."

Ganon rolled his eyes. "Oh hey, Zelda, mind giving me back my swordfish?"

Zelda blinked. "…swordfish?"

"Yeah. You know, the thing I kept thwacking you with in chapter two?"

"Oh! Oh, the swordfish! Yeah, I uh…I sold it on Ebay. Sorry."

Ganon sighed. All that effort finding the damn princess for nothing. And he'd even had to join up with the blasted heroes! "Oh well. At least I have that deku swordfish."

Mido scratched his head in confusion. "Who on earth would want to buy a swordfish off of Ebay?"

"You'd be surprised…" Impa murmured.

"Yeah. I also sold every one of Link's weapons and items. Got a fair amount for them, too."

Somewhere in Waruto's fortress…

Link suddenly realized all his stuff was gone. "CRAAAAAAAAP!"

Back with the others…

"What was that?" asked Saria.

"It sounded like some far off cry of agony and despair…" Impa remarked.

"Enough of this!" exclaimed the second shadowy figure as it stepped into the light.

Ganon's eyes glowed demonic red as he pointed, "YOU."

"Uh oh…" HMS's eyes widened as he remembered their last encounter.

Ganon wordlessly unsheathed his Deku Swordfish.

"Aw crap." HMS cursed and ran away, Ganon dashing swiftly after him.

Zelda watched them with a raised eyebrow. "…right. Anyways, the time has come for me to reveal all my evil plans to you!"

"Huh? Why would you do that?" Asked a puzzled Mido.

"Well, egotistical villains like her always reveal their plans when they think they've got the upper hand," Saria calmly explained.

"Ah."

Zelda glared at her.

"Continue," Saria prompted.

"Hmph. Very well. Let me start off by telling you that I am not who you think I am."

"Don't tell me. You're really Wazelda, Zelda's evil sister?" ventured Skullkid.

Zelda rolled her eyes. "No. I was indeed once the one you call Zelda, but no more. The death of the water sage has changed me. I am a new woman. I am no longer Zelda."

Mido cocked his head. "Oh…ok. So who are you?"

"I am now the wicked sorceress known as- Agh! Watch where you're going, you idiot!"

The former princess of destiny was quite rudely interrupted as HMS ran by, knocking her off her feet in the process. He did not notice, however, as he was too busy running away from a certain pissed off Gerudo king.

"GYAAAAAAAGH!" HMS was yelling.

"Get back here and take it like a man!" Ganon roared after him.

Mido looked confused. "'Agh watch where you're going you idiot?' What kind of name is that?"

Zelda's eye twitched. "Urg…that's not my-ouch! Damn it Majora!"

HMS had run into Zelda yet again. "If you don't like it, than get this maniac away from me!"

Zelda pondered that for a moment. "Hmm…how about I just get _both_ of you away from _me_?" She suggested and snapped her fingers.

"AAAAAAAGGH!" HMS and Ganon screamed as they fell through a trap door.

Zelda smiled at the ensuing silence. "Ahh, much better. Now where were we?"

"I believe you were about to tell us how to foil your evil plans," Impa reminded her.

"Ah, yes. Well my evil plan is to capture all three pieces of the triforce and conquer Hyrule with them-"

"Um…Zelda? You already rule Hyrule," Saria interrupted.

Zelda was silent for a moment. Then she just glared at Saria. "Quiet you. Once I have the true force, I will be have the ultimate power to govern all. Hyrule may already be mine, but soon I will own much more than that! With Majora's help, my empire will spread to the far corners of the world!"

"Wait a minute…isn't the world round?" Mido pointed out in a rare moment of intelligence.

Zelda grit her teeth as she growled. "Grr…stop contradicting me!"

Meanwhile, under a certain trap door, two familiar figures were running in circles around a small room.

"For Pete's sake! It's just a frickin' laugh! It's not that important!"

To his surprise, Ganon answered: "You know what? You're right." And stopped running.

HMS also stopped running. "Really?" He asked hopefully.

"No."

'WHACK!'

HMS's mask fell off with the blow. ".…ow."

"There. Was that so bad?" Ganon asked.

"Ung…wah? Huh? Wait…the mask…it fell off…I…I'm free! Free! FREE! Yeewheeheehee!"

Ganon blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Um…ok…"

"I see you are confused. This mask, you see, it is called Majora's mask. It is a very evil mask that grants its wearer strange, mystical powers…at the price of one's free will."

"I see."

"It was used by an ancient tribe as part of their hexing rituals, but eventually it caused such great catastrophe that they sealed it in shadow forever, preventing its misuse. I went to great lengths to get this mask…"

Ganon stared at him like he was nuts. Which he was, but that's beside the point. "What the hell would you want with an evil mask that robs you of your free will?"

"But it's…it's purple! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a purple mask nowadays?"

Ganon stared. And stared. And stared. There was a long pause.

"…What?" HMS asked finally.

"…nothing."

"Will one of you cretins kindly pick me up off the floor! I'm getting dirt in my eyes!" snapped the mask itself, Majora.

Ganon's eyes widened. The thing could talk, too!

"Oh, sorry," HMS said apologetically as he picked up Majora.

"…did that mask…just…talk?" Ganon stammered, still unable to believe it. Why on earth he was so surprised, considering the things he had seen, is a mystery for the ages.

"Why yes it did," HMS answered calmly, as if it were perfectly normal.

"………"

Majora suddenly began shouting, "Hey Zelda! Zelda, help! I fell off the mask salesman!"

The princess-turned-evil's voice shouted back from above, "Do you mind? I've got problems of my own to deal with right now!"

HMS blinked. "Huh? Was that Zelda?"

"Yes. She's evil now, you know."

"Oh, right. Yeah about that…I know how to make her sane again."

"Huh! You do? How?" Ganon demanded.

"With the Song of Healing, of course! Here, let me teach it to you." HMS responded cheerfully as he pulled a giant organ out of no where.

Ganon stared.

HMS ignored his stare and played the song of healing. "There. Now repeat it back to me."

"Um…I don't have an instrument."

"Can you play the organ?"

"Move aside!" Ganon commanded as he bumped HMS off the bench. He then proceeded to play the Song of Healing perfectly.

"Good. Just play that to her on the ocarina of time, and she'll be all right again in the upstairs."

"Um…on the ocarina of time you say?"

"Mm-hmm. Why, is that a problem?"

"Er…well, Zelda kind of sold all Link's items on E-bay."

"Oh dear. That's…not good."

"No kidding. Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"When I first met you, you were a complete psychopath, but now you're…relatively sane. How'd that happen?"

"Medication. Lots and lots of medication."

"Ah."

And now, back on the high grounds…

"Enough! I'll not let you insult me any longer! Prepare to face the wrath of…plan B!" Zelda roared in a most un-princess like manner.

Pause.

Zelda frowned, than repeated herself in a louder voice. "Ahem…I SAID, PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF PLAN B!"

Nothing happened.

"That was your cue, you numbskulls! Turn it on!"

"We did! It's not working!" whined a voice from the shadows.

"What? What do you mean it's not working?!"

"Um…not operating, unable to function, not running-"

"Well what the hell is wrong with it?"

"…it doesn't have any fuel!"

Zelda blinked. "…do we even have any fuel?"

"Hang on, I'll check…..nope."

"DAMMIT! Now I have to find something else to sell so I can get enough money for fuel! Curse it all!"

"Hey, you're the princess of Hyrule aren't you? Don't you have some vast fortune stored away somewhere?" Skullkid asked.

"No, my dad spent it all."

"Really? What on?" Curious Saria queried curiously.

"Two words: binge drinking."

"Wow," said Mido.

"So THAT'S why he was so fat!" exclaimed Saria.

Zelda made a face.

"Oops…I uh…didn't mean any disrespect or anything…it just kinda came out…"

"You know what? Screw plan B. I'll kill you all with my bare hands!"

"Like hell you will!" exclaimed a suddenly appearing Ganon as he knocked her out with the swordfish.

'WHACK'

Skullkid blinked in surprise. "Hey, when'd you get back up here?"

"Couple minutes ago. We just climbed up the happy mask salesman's organ."

Saria raised an eyebrow. "Organ…?"

"Don't ask. Anyway, this guy says he knows a way to make princess copycat here sane again," Ganon said, indicating HMS, who bowed.

Skullkid brightened. "Cool."

"But we'll need the ocarina of time."

Skullkid slumped. "…crap."

"Is there any way to look up who bought Link's stuff through E-bay?" asked Saria.

"Well there's a letter here thanking Zelda for the authentic Zelda gear. Think that's it?" wondered Mido.

"What the- ? How'd you find that?" Saria asked.

"Um…"

"…you were looking through her mail, weren't you?" Ganon accused him.

"What can I say? It's a bad habit!"

"More like an obsession…" Skullkid muttered, "well, what's the return address?

"Supe R. Nurd, 427 Obscure lane, KO Hyrule 38473"

"Well what're we waiting for? Let's go!" Saria exclaimed excitedly.

"One moment. We cannot simply leave Zelda here unguarded. Some one must stay here," Impa pointed out.

Ganon looked around at the group. "…what? What are you all looking at me for?"

"Hey man, you're the only guy here who knows anything about keeping prisoners," Mido pointed out.

Ganon folded his arms across his chest stubbornly. "Well I'm not doing it. Nope. No way."

"Mrowr!" Nab mewed, insistently pawing at Saria's leg.

"Hmm? What is it Nabooru?"

The gerudo-turned-persian promptly ran off, only to return carrying a large block of wood. She began scratching words into the wood, which Saria read aloud.

"Ganon's weakness equals gambling problem."

Skullkid grinned over at Ganon, "Oh, you have a gambling problem?"

Ganon fidgeted uncomfortably. " …yeah…"

Saria grinned evilly. "Heh heh…alright, I bet you twenty rupees you won't stay behind and guard Zelda while we go retrieve the ocarina of time."

"….."

"Well? Wanna shake on it?" she extended her hand to him.

"…damn you Nabooru." Ganon cursed as he shook Saria's hand, "If I have to stay here, then someone has to stay with me. There's no way I'm going to be stuck here alone with princess lunatic. She'll drive me crazy!"

"Nabooru can stay. She can't really help us anyway, in her current form."

Nab glared at Saria.

"I, too, will stay," HMS volunteered.

"It is settled, then. Forsooth, let us hearken to Obscure street!" Impa exclaimed, striking a heroic pose.

And thus they hearkened.

_End Scene._

"I liked that scene. Why didn't we have it in?" asked HMS.

"Eh, I just didn't like where it was going." The author responded.

"What was plan B, anyway?" Link asked.

"Some sort of monster robot."

"…you do realize we're in a medieval time setting?"

"Didn't stop her from mentioning Microsoft" Saria pointed out.

"Next!" commanded the Author.

_These are just random jokes I planned to fit into chapter 17 somewhere, but was never able to. Enjoy!_

"I'm the ghooooost of Phantom Ganon!"

"Wait…how can there be a ghost of a ghost?"

"uh…"

_And the next one…_

Ganondorf!" Zelda cried in surprise.

"What? No! I'm Ganon_dwarf_!"

"Huh?"

"A-ha! There you are!" Another man who looked exactly like Ganondorf raced into the room. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"Ganondorf…?" Zelda ventured uncertainly.

"Close. Name's Sanondorf."

"Sanondorf…Ganondwarf…Mido…where the hell is the _real_ king of evil!"

"King of Evil? Where!" a mysterious new voice came seemingly from nowhere.

At that, no less than three Link look-a-likes popped out of nowhere.

"A-ha! There they are!" exclaimed one of them triumphantly, pointing his sword at the Ganondorf clones.

Zelda stared around at them all, dumbfounded.

"Who the hell are you people!" she exclaimed.

"What ho?"

"A damsel in distress!"

"How rude of us not to introduce ourselves!"

The three Links bowed to her.

"I'm Rink!"

"I'm Chink!"

"And I'm Shink!"

"And we're the Sailor Scou- I mean, Tri-Heroes!"

"Wait…it there's three of you, shouldn't there be three of them?" Zelda asked, gesturing to Sanondorf and Ganondwarf.

At this, yet another Ganondorf clone ran into the room.

"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late!"

Sanondorf groaned while Ganondwarf rolled his eyes.

"Took you long enough!"

"And who are you? Banondorf? Or maybe Ganondalf?"

"Oh hi, I'm that Ganondork you're always hearing about."

"…your name is really Ganondork?" Zelda asked incredulously, fighting hard to hold back a smile.

"Yup. Why- is there something wrong with your mouth?" he asked concernedly, for Zelda was covering her mouth in an attempt to hide her smile and stifle her laughter.

"I'm sorry, it's just…" she snickered. "G-Ganon…dork…buahahahaha!" needless to say, she couldn't take it anymore and fell to the floor laughing. Ganondork watched her in confusion.

"What's so funny?" he asked his counterparts. They shrugged in bewilderment.

_End…whatever that was, but I'm pretty sure it's not a scene. Anyway._

"Well that was…random." Link mumured.

"Shaddup. Next!"

_Alternate chapter 19: Return of the King_

"Quick! Get her, before she teleports to safety using Farore's Wind!" Rauru exclaimed.

"Oh great- you just told her how to escape, you moron!" Dark yelled.

And Zelda, indeed, cast Farore's wind and vanished from view.

"Aw crap, now she'll be running around terrorizing the countryside," Link moaned.

"Quickly! We must inform the king of Hyrule of this danger!" Impa announced.

"Um…isn't that me?" Ganon pointed out.

"Oh…yeah…well then…" Impa saluted him, "Sir! Princess Zelda has gone insane and is terrorizing the countryside!"

Ganon stared at her. "Uh…I know…I mean, I was here the entire time, you know."

"I know, but I had to inform you formally"

"…right then. Suggestions for catching the psychotic princess?"

"Sir, I think we should put the citizens of Hyrule on alert. Then they can contact us if they spot the princess," Impa suggested.

"Yeah! We could set up a hotline or something!" Skullkid exclaimed.

Ganon stared at Impa. "Why do you keep calling me 'sir'?"

"Well…you're the king. And it's my duty to serve the royal family. So…"

"Oh wait, I forgot to tell you guys, but I reinstated Zelda's father as King as soon as Ganondorf was locked in the sacred realm." said Rauru.

"Oh."

"Alright then…off to Hyrule Castle!" Link exclaimed, striking a heroic pose.

"All of us?" asked Waruto, who wasn't exactly sure what was going on.

"…nah, I think Ganon, Link, the sages and I ought to be sufficient to deal with the princess," reasoned Dark.

"Oh, ok. Have fun!"

The sages and Ganon rolled their eyes and warped away (except Darunia, who was still running around screaming about evil deku scrubs). Link put his ocarina to his lips and was about to play the prelude of light when suddenly Dark exclaimed

"Wait a minute! How am I supposed to get there?"

"Oh, um…do you have an ocarina?"

"No."

"Ok…here, you can have my old fairy ocarina. Just listen to what I play and copy it note for note."

"Er…Link, I don't know how to play an ocarina."

"Just put it to your lips and blow, stupid! It's not that hard. Now then…"

'dee doo, dee doo da dee…'

"Go on, repeat it now."

"Er…"

'Shree-squeak!-ee! Shrooo! Squeak! Shroo! Squeeeeak! Shreee!'

"……"

"Did I get it right?"

"…you know what? Why don't you just go on foot."

And with that, Link played the song and warped away in a ball of yellow light.

"Geeze, was I that bad?"

Meanwhile, at the temple of time…

Link appeared in a column of yellow sparks-

"Oooh! Shiny shiny shiny!"

Not again…hey, security! Get the author out of there!

"Noooo! Don't take away the shiny! Shiiiiiinyyyyy!" the author screamed as the security team dragged her away.

"Wow. When did you guys get a security team?"

Directly after we learned Zelda was going to go insane.

"Ah."

And thus, our heroic hero- damn that was redundant- exited the temple of time and entered the ruined market. There he found Ganon and the sages waiting, some of whom were conversing with the redeads.

"………."

"………."

"……….?"

"………."

"……….!"

"………."

…sort of.

"Alright, so where's the king?" Link asked.

"In the castle, of course." Rauru said, gesturing to where Ganon's tower had formerly stood. Only now, somehow, the old Hyrule castle had mysteriously reappeared.

Link stared at it. "Woah. They sure rebuilt that fast."

"Yeah. Those Extreme Makeover Castle Edition guys really know what they're doing."

"Alright, so…are we actually going to go in, or just stand here and stare at it all day?" snapped Ganon, who was a little grumpy to find that the ruins of his castle had been cleaned up so quickly.

"Ok ok, we're going in already," Saria said with a roll of her eyes.

"Hey Impa, come on!"

"………"

"Stop talking with the redeads and get over here!"

"…very well."

And in they went. Ganon paused when he saw all the guards roaming the corridors.

"Um…are you sure it's a good idea for us to just waltz right in like this? Especially considering…you know, who I am and everything?"

Link rolled his eyes. "Relax, Gan. These idiots wouldn't notice an intruder if it went up and bit them."

To test the theory, Nab slunk up to one of the guards and bit him. The guard cocked his head, but did not cry out or look down. Instead he said to his partner across the hall: "…I say, Phil, I'm suddenly experiencing stabbing pains in my leg."

"Oh bugger, mate. Perhaps you should look down and see why."

"Nah, it's probably nothing. Takes too much energy to look down anyway."

"Indeed."

"….ok…that was perhaps the most pathetic display I've ever seen." Ganon admitted.

"Yeah. You really didn't have to pretend to be an ambassador in order to get into the castle. You could have just walked in."

"……."

"So, where's the king?" Saria asked

"If this is anything like the old castle, he should be this way." Impa replied, leading them down the hallway. They continued through the castle without incident (one of the guards ran into Rauru, but still failed to notice him) and entered the King's chambers. The King was a fat man who looked like a somewhat younger version of Rauru. His hair and beard were brown flecked with gray, and his eyes were a dull blue.

"Oh hello." He said when he saw them. He looked over the mismatched group brightly, as if it was perfectly normal for a group of complete strangers to burst into his room. He paused when he caught sight of Ganondorf, leaning forward and peering at the evil king closely. "Say…aren't you that chap who seized my throne and turned my country into a wasteland full of monsters?"

"Er…" Ganon looked around shifty eyed, not quite sure what to do. "No?"

"Oh. Alright then. My mistake. What business brings yon party of adventurers to my presence?"

The sages and Link exchanged glances while Ganon stood there blinking, unable to believe how easily he had avoided discovery.

"Well uh, your highness…sir…um…see, we've come to report a…uh…problem." Link began uncertainly.

"Oh, you mean like a math problem? I hate math. It's so complicated. Two plus two equals four…honestly, what's that supposed to mean? What _is_ a two?"

The entire company sweat dropped as they stared at the king.

"Um…no, not quite that sort of problem." Ganon explained. "it's more like a…a threat, to the safety of your country."

"…and that's a problem?"

"Isn't it?"

"Well I don't know. Does it affect me?"

"Well…no…not really…"

"Then what's the problem, then?"

Ganondorf stared at the man. Then he leaned over and whispered in Impa's ear, "_How_ did this idiot get to be king?"

"Lot drawing."

"……."

"Wait, is this a matter of state?"

"Um…I guess so…"

"Then my wife should handle it. She takes care of all the matters of state. Oh Gloria!"

Ganondorf visibly stiffened at his words, then seemed to wilt somewhat as he muttered "Oh Goddessess no, not the queen…"

Saria looked up at him, puzzled. "What's wrong with the queen?" she asked.

"Er…she sort of has a uh…thing…for me…" he said miserably. Impa snickered into her hand, earning a heated glare from the gerudo.

"Ganondorf!" A shrill, feminine voice rang suddenly from beyond the doorway. Ganon visibly winced at the sound of it. Link and the sages (except Impa, who was used to this) watched in amazement as a regally dressed woman strode into the room, her skirts trailing magnificently behind her. Her long blonde hair was done up into a bun at the base of her neck, her bangs trailing delicately in front of her piercing blue eyes. She walked right up to Ganon and took him by the arm, her face beaming with delight.

"Why, I haven't seen you since you forced my husband from the throne. How _are_ you? Will you be staying long?"

"Er…I...uh..."

"Excellent! Why don't you come walk with me in the gardens and you can tell me what you've been doing all this time." She blathered on, turning to lead him towards the door.

"B-but…your majesty, we have business to dis-"

"Oh there's always some sort of business! We can talk about that later," she said dismissively, pulling him along despite his weak protests.

Ganon turned and mouthed "help me" to the group, and it was Saria who took action.

"Your highness, this is very important! It's about your daughter!"

The queen stopped and seemed to slump somewhat as she turned to face the forest sage.

"Oh dear…what has the little vagabond done now?"

"…vagabond…?" Link questioned under his breath.

"Er…well, she's just sort of gone crazy and is um…kind of rampaging about the countryside…"

"Oh is that all? Well I don't think there's much of a problem then. Now about that walk…" she turned, grinning, to the man she still held captive by the arm. Ganon swallowed nervously.

"I-it is a problem! Don't you understand, she has the Triforce of wisdom and she's a sage! She could cause a lot of trouble!" Saria insisted.

"Oh please, what harm could Zelda possibly do? She's just a little girl!"

At that moment, a guard burst into the room.

"Your highness! Princess Zelda has cursed all the T.V.s so they show nothing but Barney and Teletubbies!

"…CURSE YOU ZELDA!"

The queen roared, shaking her fists at the ceiling. Everyone stared at her as she stood there seething, her eyes narrow pinpoints of rage. With a resigned sigh she turned back and looked over the group.

"All right, all right, fine we'll talk. Come along to the drawing room so we can discuss things properly."

She led them through the doors and into a lavish room filled with beautiful couches and ornate windows.

"Why was she so anxious to get him alone?" Saria asked in a hushed whisper as they filtered into the room.

Link heaved a sigh and placed a hand on the little kokiri's shoulder. "Ahh, Saria. So young. So naïve."

"What? What am I missing?"

Impa rolled her eyes. "Isn't it obvious? She just wants him alone so she can…um…"

Saria furrowed her brow. "So she can what?"

"Er…"

"Uh…"

Link and Impa exchanged glances. "Where's Skullkid when you need him?"

Once they were all settled, the queen plopped down next to Ganondorf and idly examined her fingernails.

"So what were you thinking we should do about my psychotic misfit of a daughter?"

"Well, first we were thinking of informing the citizens of Hyrule…so they could keep an eye out, you know," Saria explained.

The queen looked mortified at the thought. "What! _Tell_ them the truth about my disgrace of a daughter? Are you _mad_? Imagine the scandal! Oh I can see the headlines now…"

"Headlines? But…Hyrule doesn't have a newspaper…"

"They must not find out. We must catch her before anyone sees her," the Queen continued, ignoring the forest sage.

"And how exactly do you plan to do that?" Ganon asked.

"Hey wait a second…Zelda was after the truforce before she went ins- er, before I played the song of healing, right? So isn't it logical that she'd still be after it now?" Link pointed out.

"So…what, are you suggesting we use ourselves as bait for some sort of trap?" Ganon asked incredulously.

"Sounds like a good idea to me," the queen said, "Call the royal cage makers!"

One of the accompanying attendants bowed and left the room. Ganon blinked in confusion.

"Royal cage makers? Why on earth do you use cages for?"

"Oh…I'll have to show you sometime…" she said with a smile that made Ganon instantly decide he definitely did _not_ want an answer to his question.

And thus a few hours later (those royal cage makers work even faster than the Extreme Makeovers Castle Edition crew) found the figures of Ganon and Link sitting in plain view out in the middle of Hyrule Field.

"I can't believe I'm doing this."

"My feet hurt."

"Where's the cage anyway? I can't see it…"

"That's the point, isn't it? I mean, Zelda wouldn't come if she could see that it was a trap. …I think…"

A sudden bout of evil cackling cut their conversation short. Zelda appeared in a whirl of green sparks, her eyes gleaming maniacally.

"Well well well,

if I couldn't tell,

It's Ganon and Link

hanging out by the sink."

"Oh great, now she's rhyming. And badly, at that."

"Sink? I don't see any sink. What's she talking about?"

"Dude, she's insane. She's probably hallucinating about sinks right now."

As a matter of fact, Zelda was not hallucinating about sinks. She was hallucinating about cows. They were everywhere, dancing and mooing and giving people umbrellas and straight jackets…she liked cows. Cows were so happy. She wished she was a cow. Maybe she'd use the Triforce to turn herself into one. Moo.

"I've been searching for you

and your Triforces too

now I've got you where I want you

and I'll have you before you can say 'moo'."

"On the contrary princess, it is we who have you!" Ganon's voice rang out loud and clear, followed by a loud 'snap' sound and the sound of something large heavy and metal hitting the ground.

Zelda cocked her head in confusion.

"What was that?

It's not Jack sprat.

I feel confused

I think I've been used."

_End Scene._

"…wow, that really fell apart at the end didn't it?" Link remarked.

"Yeah, hence my not using it."

"I'm glad. I hated that scene," Ganon said

"I'll bet you hated the next one even more!" the Author cackled.

"What? Oh no- not the alternate- !"

"Yes. Muahaha."

"Oh dear…" Zelda moaned.

_Yes, the alternate alternate chapter 19! Actually, this is a scene that would have taken place within the alternate 19, directly after the Queen is told about her daughter._

"Come now, let us go discuss what to do about the princess."

And before Ganon could protest, the queen yanked him out the door and slammed it behind her. Saria stared after them, blinking heavily in confusion.

"Um…shouldn't we _all_ be discussing that _together_?"

Link heaved a sigh and placed a hand on the little kokiri's shoulder. "Ahh, Saria. So young. So naïve."

"What? What am I missing?"

Impa rolled her eyes. "Isn't it obvious? She just wants him alone so she can…um…"

Saria furrowed her brow. "So she can what?"

"Er…"

"Uh…"

Link and Impa exchanged glances. "Where's Skullkid when you need him?"

Meanwhile, in the castle gardens…

Ganondorf had never felt more uncomfortable in his entire life. He'd sat down on a bench to rest, and the queen had sat down next to him…just a liiiiiittle too close for comfort. So he'd scooted down a bit. But then she scooted closer. Again, he'd scooted away, and again, she'd scooted closer. This had continued until Ganon had run out of bench, and now he found himself trapped. Oblivious to his discomfort, the queen leaned up against him, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes flirtatiously.

"So Ganondorf…how are things at the gerudo fortress? Have any girlfriends…?"

"I- er uh….n-no…no I don't…" Ganon stuttered, then instantly berated himself inwardly for answering truthfully. If he'd told her he'd had a girlfriend, maybe she'd have left him alone…no, not likely actually. Having a husband certainly hadn't deterred her, so him having a girlfriend probably wouldn't either. Still, when he saw that gleam ignite in her eyes he knew he'd given the wrong answer.

"Reeeeally? A handsome man like you, still on the market? How is that?" she cooed, running her finger down his jaw line at the word "handsome".

He blushed profusely (an odd sight, considering who he was and all) and stammered out a response.

"U-uh I…um…well…I am…the King of Evil… you know…"

"Oh yes…yes that's right…I suppose most women can't…_handle_ that…?"

"Er…sh-shouldn't we be talking about the princess?"

_End Scene_

Most of the characters by then were doubling up with silent laughter while a vein ticked visibly in Ganon's forehead.

"I really, _really_, hate that scene." he snapped.

"Me too." Zelda agreed.

"Why? You're not even in it!" Skullkid pointed out.

"Yeah, but, come on. _My **mother**_ hitting on _Ganondorf? _It's really kind of disturbing," she said with a shudder.

"Hmm…good point."

"Plus Ganondorf ends up acting _really_ out of character. I thought it was funny at the time, but in later revisions...well...I realized it's just painful," bemoaned the author.

"So, is that it?" asked Saria.

"For the deleted scenes, it is. We still have to do bloopers!" The author reminded her.

"And the epilogue," Ganon nodded.

"Right. So…Ganon, would you mind?"

"Hey, you said that the last chapter would be the last time I'd have to do it!"

"Oh, fine! Grievous!" The author called. The cyborg scrambled on stage, his armor splashed with several red stains which the rest of the characters eyed dubiously.

"Review, or else you're _doomed_…" he hissed, his reptilian eyes narrowing just like in the movie.

"Dude, that guy is just plain creepy." Link said with a shudder.

The Author grinned. "Pweeeese?" she added, turning out the puppy dog eyes on the readers.

"Not as creepy as that." Ganon pointed out. Everyone else nodded in agreement, and the chapter-that's-not-quite-a-chapter ended.


	21. The Despairingly Short Epilogue

The Despairingly Short Epilogue

Link still wanted to be evil, but due to reasons later to be explained Ganondorf and Waruto had both decided to give up their evil ways. So after sulking for a while Link stole Majora's mask and ran off to Termina, where he caused a great amount of turmoil and tried to destroy everything by making the moon fall down.

Nabooru, as it turned out, had not just been turned into a kitten by Nayru, but had been given the ability to turn into a kitten and back at will.

Ganondorf gave up being evil so he and Nabooru could start dating again, then after a while they got engaged and ran off to Termina to get married. Their marriage ceremony was almost ruined by Link, who spitefully turned Ganon into a child and tried to crash the moon down on the night before their wedding. Fortunately Skullkid saved the day.

Dark started a punk rock band by the name of "Pitchfork Mayhem" along with Waruto, Darunia, Mido, and a random scarecrow. Iukyxu became their manager. Their major debut in Termina was again, almost ruined by Link, who convinced the gerudo to steal Waruto's lucky eggs (which she couldn't sing without).

Zelda realized Link had run off without the ocarina or his horse, so she sent Skullkid off to find him and return them while she stayed all safe and happy in Hyrule with her new boyfriend, Kuja.

Skullkid dutifully departed with Epona and the ocarina to find Link. When he did, he discovered (with a few helpful hints) that Link had gone evil and was trying to destroy Termina. Skullkid spent the next three days undoing all the damage Link had done and eventually stopped Link and destroyed the evil of Majora's mask.

Rauru became a spokesperson for Subway and lost a tremendous amount of weight. Then he dyed his hair purple and became mayor of Clocktown, the major city of Termina.

Saria was mysteriously turned into a deku scrub (coughLinkcough) and was taken in by a colony of deku scrubs in Termina who made her their princess.

Impa started running around in a cloak and calling herself the "Garo Master". The whole mysterious ninja master of shadows effect was slightly spoiled by the fact that she still spoke like a valley girl.

Malon discovered a way to banish the Navi squad and also moved to Termina, where she found her long lost little sister and opened a ranch. Unfortunately she was followed by Ingo, who found _his_ long lost brother and opened a rival ranch.

Sephiroth got bored with playing with Cloud's mind and went into show business. His troop was supposed to open for Pitchfork Mayhem, but the whole show almost got cancelled thanks to Link.

The author was finally subdued and forced to take her medication, and she began writing actual serious stories, much to the consternation of the fans of Give Me That Blasted Ocarina. Should she manage to evade her caretakers and avoid medication, she may have insanity enough to write a sequel to this story detailing Skullkid's adventures in Termina.

And now...what you've all been waiting for…BLOOPERS!

A/N: Things that happen as they should in the script will be written in the past tense. Things that don't are in the present tense. This is how we manage to do bloopers in story format. And now, by chapter…

Chapter One, in which we were very cruel to poor Link.

Scene: Link is falling from the sky.

"GYAAAAAAH!"

'CRACK!'

"Oooh…ow…I think I broke something…"

"Cut! Link, that's not the line! Now we have to do it again!"

Link just groans in response.

Scene: the same

"GYAAAAAAH!"

'WHUMP!'

"Wait a minute, whump? What kind of sound effect is that? Cut!"

"…do I have to do it again?"

"Yes."

"………"

Scene: Ditto

"GYAAAAAAH!"

'THUD!'

"Hold on hold on, "thud"? How cliché is that? Try again!"

Zelda peers worriedly down at Link, who is still not moving.

"Link, you holding up ok?"

"…urge to horribly mutilate director rising…"

(47 takes later….)

Scene: ditto ditto

"GYAAAAAAH!"

'STASIOERFAHKLFE!'

"….ok, you know what? Screw the sound effects, we'll just have the narrator explain what happened! …Link, why are you looking at me like that? Link? Link, what- AAAAGGGGH!"

Zelda comes down from the clouds and looks at Link reproachfully.

"You know, it's not a very good idea to stab your director on the first day."

Link says nothing but wipes his sword off on the grass and sheathes it.

Scene: Mounting Epona

Link runs and jumps to mount Epona, but doesn't jump quite high enough. With a groan he falls back to the ground. Some random black dude in a turban who happens to be passing by shakes his head and says: "Man, white men can't jump!"

Scene: Rearing Epona

"Vuahaha!" Link laughed triumphantly, "You'll never catch me now, you deranged- OOF!"

'Crack!'

He cried as he suddenly hit the ground. They had reached the stone steps leading up to Kakariko village and Epona (who didn't like stairs) had reared, flinging the distracted hero from his perch on her back.

……………

"…um, Link? Link, it's your line! …Link?"

Link doesn't move.

"Oh dear…"

Chapter 2, in which Link has terrible aim

Scene: Cow rising

"Oom!" the cow cried as gravity suddenly shifted and it floated up into the sky.

"What the f-ck?" Nabooru said after a moment of confused staring.

"Oooooooh…" said Link, his fear temporarily forgotten. And so he picked up a rock and threw it at the spot where the cow had been. Or at least he attempts to.

'Thunk!'

"Ow! Link!"

"Whoops! Sorry Ganon, my hand must have slipped…"

(10 takes later…)

Scene: Same

"Oom!" the cow cried as gravity suddenly shifted and it floated up into the sky.

"What the f-ck?" Nabooru said after a moment of confused staring.

"Oooooooh…" said Link, his fear temporarily forgotten. And so he picked up a rock and threw it at the- oh for Pete's sake, Link!

"That's it, if you hit me with that F---ing rock one more time, I'm shoving my swordfish where the sun don't shine!"

Nab blinks, then looks at Ganon.

"Do you have any idea how suggestive that sounds?"

"…."

'THWACK!'

The Author meanwhile is desperately thumbing through a large packet.

"Is this in the script? I'm pretty sure this isn't in the script…"

"CUT!"

Scene: Link receives umbrella

Then a strange noise which sounded suspiciously like dun dun dun duuuuun came out of nowhere as Link held the umbrella above him (well…he wasn't really holding it, it was just sort of…floating…above his hands…o.O)

"You got: umbrella!" said a random text box.

"Yay!" Link said happily.

Then there is a loud snapping sound and the umbrella falls, thunking Link on the head.

"Dammit, I told you we needed stronger wire!"

"Cut!"

Chapter 3, in which we discover the true perils of cheap wires.

Scene: Ganon and Nab find Link

They walked on in silence for a few moments until they heard something which made them stop dead in their tracks:

"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!"

"Oh goddesses tell me that's not who I think it is…" Nab muttered as she slapped a hand to her forehead.

'CRACK!'

'WHUMP!'

Ganon stares down at Nab, upon whom Link has just fallen.

"Er…was that supposed to happen?"

"No. Cut! And sue whoever the hell made those wires we've been using!"

Scene: Nab picks up Ganon

"Alright. Can you support a full grown man with one arm?"

Nabooru grinned impishly and hefted Ganondorf off the ground easily with one hand.

"Ack! Put me down!"

Nab snickered as she continued to hold the wildly flailing King of Evil two feet in the air.

'SNAP!'

'THUD!'

"Dammit, the wires broke again!" Nab curses.

Ganon gets up off of Nab and brushes himself off.

"Wouldn't it be easier if we just gave Nab the golden gauntlets so she'd be able to lift me on her own?"

"…Link, give us your gauntlets! And cut!"

Scene: Ending author's note

A/N: Heh heh heh…ah, how I love cliffhangers.

"That's MY laugh!"

'Whack!'

Unfortunately the windmill guy's music box thing clocks the Author upside the head with a nasty 'thunk'. The author teeters for a moment, then falls to the ground unconscious.

"Er…cut?"

Chapter…7?

Scene: Waruto's monologue

Atop the tallest tower of the black fortress of Lake Hylia, Waruto's dark figure stood undaunted by the howling winds and pounding rain. Her dress flailed dramatically about her, as did her earrings, as she stood glaring at the fields in the distance. Her lips drew back into a menacing smile as she chuckled. "Ah, Hyrule…that golden paradise of green grass and blue sky…long have I envied your spacious lands, your rolling hills…but the day is coming when I need not envy, for your lands will soon belong to ME."

'KRACKA-FOOM!'

Waruto whips around and looks at Iukyxu, who has just been struck by lightning.

"Iukyxu? Iukyxu, speak to me!"

"……………"

Link pokes his head in from off screen. "Oh dear…we're going to need another Timmy!"

Chapter 13

Scene: Tingle's trapdoor

"Ao-ohoho! You have fallen into the trap created by Tingle himself! Now you suffer the wrath of magic fairy princess!"

Nothing happens.

"Ahem…I said, now you suffer the wrath of magic fairy princess!"

Still nothing.

"Why isn't the trapdoor opening?"

One of the crew goes to check it out.

"It's stuck!"

"Ah for the love of…cut!"

(One trapdoor fixing later…)

Scene: same

"Ao-ohoho! You have fallen into the trap created by Tingle himself! Now you suffer the wrath of magic fairy princess!"

A trap door fell open with a loud grating creak. Unfortunately (for tingle, anyway) it was nowhere near our gaggle of heroes. In fact, it somehow opens right beneath _him,_ and he falls with a cry of

"Tingle tingle koolo limp-"

'CRACK!'

The other characters just sort of stand there for a minute, blinking.

"…well that wasn't in the script…"

"Cool! Can we keep that in?"

"No. Cut!"

Chapter 14

Scene: Din throws Roundup

"Hey Ganondorf, did anyone give you anything?" Saria asked the warlord.

"Well Din appeared to me, but she didn't-"

He broke off as the third door opened with a loud creak, and a bottle of roundup flew out and hit him right between the- oh…

"….ow…." Ganon says in a very high-pitched voice as he slowly sinks to his knees, his face the very incarnation of pure agony.

The grimacing director glares over at Din. "The script clearly said "eyes", _not_ "thighs"!"

"Oh, oops! Silly me. My aim must be off today."

Chapter…16?

Scene: Ganon and Zelda fight

"What do you expect? It's _Zelda_." Ganon pointed out. Zelda took advantage of his distraction, kicking the sword out of his hands. The blade flipped up in the air a couple times, then as it came down Zelda caught it by the hilt and pointed it triumphantly at Ganon's - oops….

"Urk…"

Uh, apparently the momentum of Zelda leaping to her feet was too much and she accidentally kept going and speared Ganon in the chest…

"Oh my god I'm sorry! Ganon, Ganon are you ok?"

"….medic…"

A/N: "The End... for now. I may or may not add to this chapter if new ideas for bloopers come to me. But that's it! The End! People can stop bugging me now to finish this, because it is finished! At last! Nuahahahahahahaha!

Ahem...and about the whole sequel in Termina thing...

...don't get your hopes up. I've been a bit preoccupied by my art lately, hence my not updating in forever, so unless a lightning bolt of incredibly awesome inspiration strikes me, it ain't happening. Sorry.

Now you may or may not have noticed the lack of disclaimer for this chapter. Well we thought it was unnecessary, seeing as how..." the author paused and glanced over to her right, where a large mound of horribly mutilated bodies wearing suits lay.

"Nice job, Grievous."

The Cyborg nods, kicks one of the lawyer's (for they are the lawyers) bodies aside, and jumps back into the Author's pocket.

"Would you mind if I gave the very final final send off?"

"Not at all, my dear Dragmire."

"Ahem...REVIEW you foul pestilent mounds of Earth filth, before I gut you like a fish!"

"...you've been practicing with Iukyxu, haven't you?"

Ganon just grinned as Nab shook her head.

"So much for giving up his evil ways..." she muttered.

FIN.


End file.
